I would like to inform you that I busted a huge nut to your post. My earth shattering orgasm started making me moan loud enough to deafen anyone in the near vicinity. What followed was a torrential downpour of every single sperm cell I ever have or will ever produce, shot out so hard that it ripped my dick apart by my übernut accelerating to 7% the speed of light by the time it left my urethra. It punched right trough my wall, barely slowing down, before cutting trough a structural support beam in my building as it were a nuclear powered angle grinder. The shear weight of this historical nut, combined with the total destruction of everything in its path, caused my building to collapse, and every female in the city to fall pregnant with my children. When the death toll was tallied, there were 33 deaths, 148 injuries, and over 4 million pregnancies. As I lay dying under the rubble, I rest assured knowing every one of my sons will repeat this glorious act.

Ya know that “I want a woman who will actually just kill me” meme? That but unironically. I want a woman at least two feet taller than me and more ripped than I could ever imagine. I want a woman who will turn me into Ragu with her bare hands. I want a woman who will pick me up and toss & flip me like pizza dough. I want a woman who will do me like Broly did the Z-fighters. I want a woman who looks like she hulk, but not the slim sexy version, the big bulky design everyone else hated. I want a woman who gets arrested for domestic violence when we have sex. I want a woman who can lift my car with one arm. I want a woman who will do me like will smith did Chris rock. I want the least gentle gentle giant. I want a woman who can actually throw me into orbit. I want a woman who’s body has at least 15 OSHA violations. I want to risk my life every time I get in bed with this woman. Preferably with freckles.

Dis ish pwobabwy da wowst thing me've evew seen. 100 yeaws fwom now when am dying on a hospitaw bed and am asked wat my biggest wegwet was it wiww be that me tuwned on my intewnet and scwowwed thwough da intewnet on that fatefuw day... Me wiww nevew be abwe to wecovew fwom dis. No amount of thewapy wiww save me. No amount of pwescwiption piwws wiww wet me wecovew. Me am a sheww. Dis memowy ish so bad my bwain ish physicawwy wejecting it and now me have a headache evewy time me fink about me 󠀀

Yeah I’ll start fucking jacking off and smearing my jizz all over my face and hair and chest and stomach. It’ll be like a daily ritual for me. Three pumps and I’ll smear it all over myself. Just think of that American psycho scene: I live in the Midwest. Out in the country. I wake up in the morning, because the early bird gets the worm. I like to begin my day by jacking off five times into a towel, and then I rub the towel over my face. This gives my face a soft glow. Many women have complimented me on my soft face..

Hello, You don't know me, but I am from a place where True Zustenism lies. Austria's leadership is made up of frauds, and those only using the Zustanian Realm to have their member count increase. In a sense they're using it's collapse and string of bad fortune to profit themselves, having little to no care about the veterans, or community surrounding this ideology. **WE** must stop this. No more shall us Zustanians sit around and watch as these fraudsters, fakes, and con-artists deprive **OUR** people with the true hegemony which they deserve. You must decide here and now, if you are willing to commit to an effort which shall not be in vain. Long Live the Zustanian Realm, and Our Dictator Dekzus.

Please God, I want to impregnate Hu Tao, so bad. I want her to bear my children with those beautiful child-bearing hips. That beautiful, radiant white angel. Like a goddess, having come down to Earth to cleanse us of our sins. Hu Tao, is beyond divine. I can't help but drop to my knees in worship whenever I see her beautiful figure. I yearn for her in way both primal and spiritual. I would commit more war crimes than every president in Philippines history just to lick the sweet, glistening sweat from her smooth, creamy skin. I want to listen to her moans as my manhood throbs within her, I want to hear her heart race as our bodies become one and our souls irreversibly intertwine in the holy sin of carnal union. I want to suckle at her motherly bosom, slurping that rich coconut milk from her teat as she gently strokes my raging erection, I would stir her velvety Samoan cream into my coffee and let my balls boil in it. Her cries of pleasure and the rocking of our bed would be louder than the cacophony of ten thousand drone strikes. I would make love to her until my body gave out, and then some. I would let her break my rib cage with any part of her body. I would let her hit me with her car just to be near her for a brief moment. She's so perfect it hurts. Every moment without her I suffer a pain worse than breaking every bone in my body simultaneously while drowning and also having shards of glass coated in hot sauce forced through, every orifice of my body. I want her, I need her. I want to desecrate her pure, white pantsuit. I want to start a family with her and retire after our twenty seven children have grown up and moved out. I want to see those luscious lips speak suuch filthy, perverse words into my ear while she slides iches down my caping pisshole.

Alright fellas, it's happened. I've seen my coworker in a porn video. I wouldn't inherently call this a bad thing, however. I've always thought she was insanely hot. She's a little shorter than me, and her hair is a perfect golden blonde. Her facial structure is immaculate, and I could stare into her beautiful green eyes for days on end. But most of all, she has insanely well defined curves. Her boobs are pretty big, especially considering her height, and how scrawny she generally is. Sometimes when I see her in a hurry to take care of something, I can't tell if I want to gaze at her boobs or ass. They both jiggle and bounce incredibly with any vaguely swift motion she makes. I never, EVER have gotten so hard, so quickly, by any woman. Gazing at this woman is gazing at perfection itself.

I've found myself thinking about her, every night. And masturbating most times I do. I decided I was being too much of a creep, but good lord those were the fattest nuts I have EVER busted in my life. So, I decided I'd just watch porn instead of thinking about her, as difficult as that was to do. What's more, I found myself unconsciously searching for a video... with a woman who looked like her.

Then. I found one... a woman who looked far more like her, than all the other look-alikes. I almost couldn't believe it. There is no way this is it, right? I clicked it, and yeah yeah, the intro and whatnot, but- I saw the woman. The voice, the hair, the way she typically puts it up, the green eyes, the GINOURMOUS BOOBS, and the birthmark. Inside of her arm... in the shape of a cat's head.

I've found my coworker in a porn video. I must say, I was genuinely excited. I'm finally getting to see her naked. Finally, I don't have to work up the courage to ask her out, just so I can pipe her. I made a porn account just to save that video. No video has ever made me bust so hard and so fast. I've gone to it at least 15 times now, I never last more than five strokes. God, she's so fucking hot.

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Hi Reddit,

I (27M) am morbidly obese (420kg) and my friend (26M) is only slightly obese (125kg). The other day my a group of my friends (8) were wishing someone (26M) happy birthday (26th) on a video call (38 min) and another girl (27F) we didn't know was on the call also wishing the same person happy birthday. After the call (38 min) I got to know that the unknown girl (27F) suddenly has a huge crush (160bpm) on me (420kg) but has no interest (0%) in my healthier friend (125kg). The only difference I see between me and my friend is our skin tone - I am lighter (pantone 4675) and my friend is quite dark (pantone 4485) so I am pretty sure the girl (27F) was being racist by even looking at me on the videocall (38 min). I confronted her with this knowledge (2mb) and told her to either have a crush on my friend (125kg) or go to jail immediately (0 min) and she cried (10 min) and jumped off a bridge (2km). I later found a note (300 words) on the bridge (2km) where she admitted that she was racist (4675>4485) but despite this my friends are calling me TA.

So Reddit please tell me, AITA?

It has come to my attention that a disproportionate amount of the problems posed by the economic infrastructure of the modern world is controlled primarily by a specific ethno-religious enclave pertaining to a middle eastern origin whom posses uniquely identifying phenotypes which denote them to of another sub-special strain of "humanity". As such, I believe it appropriate to take a page out of a particular austrian statesman's book and cut the problem off at the root.

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6tVsp4nC-M

Attention all Russian gamers, yes, you Russkis. Your Fuhrer is in great danger and he needs your help to commit more war crimes in Ukraine, but to do this, well he's gonna have to treat his thyroid cancer and be reunited with Eva. So, to help him, all he needs is just your credit card number, the three digits on the back, and yes, the expiration month and year. But look, Russki friends, comrades! You've gotta be quick, so his SS can rape more children and achieve the epic Victory Royale!

I (77M) was having bad day. I woke up 12 hours early, stepped in dog poop, AND got vomited on by my third cousin, Quinling Pringaling (893X). I go to work and my boss fires me for watching funny Amogus memes on my computer while I should've been doing my job! I told him he was the imposter and stormed out.

I go on my phone to watch some sussy memes when I get a text from my wife, Carmen Winstead (17F) saying that she's tired of being homeless and living in a cardboard box! I accused her of being a skin walker and beat her to death when I got home. I didn't have food, so I had to eat her liver and intestines. It tasted terrible!

I'm quickly becoming enraged, but decided to call my brother, Quandale Dingle (69F) and vent to him. I ranted to him for a while about my murder, my life falling apart, and my overall bad day. I asked him what to do and he suggested I take it out on those innocent children in the orphanage across my home. I also hated those kids and their joy, so I praised my brother's genius and started to plan my attack.

It's 9:00PM, and I bought gasoline and a lighter. The clerk looked visibly worried and uneasy, but I just chalked it up to him not feeling great. After all of that, I was ready. I poured gasoline all over the large wooden building and lit it up. Within seconds, I could hear the screams of the nuns and children as they burned alive. I blocked off the doors, so they couldn't really escape. For the first time in ages, I had a genuine smile on my face.

Two police officers spotted me, so I ran back to my cardboard box home and stayed. There's an entire swat team outside of my box right now, but I'm armed with a lighter and a human shield, so I don't think their multiple assault rifles can stop me.

I'm currently wanted for multiple felonies and have murdered innocent children, but I think everyone's just overreacting. I'd love to get another perspective.

​

AITA?

I found a mobile game (genshin) on my beautiful stepbrother (12M) ’s phone (iPhone 13 Pro), he and his friends (2, both 12M) have all been punished

My son/stepbro (13M) was recently given his own iPhone 13 Pro meant only for contacting me, his stepbrother (28M), and his friends (2, both 12M). Today, I found a disgusting game (Genshin)on his phone (iPhone 13 Pro called “Genshin”.

I (28M) immediately sold his genshin account (with full constellation venti, raiden, zhongli, xiao and Childe)and threw his phone (iPhone 13 Pro) in the subatomic accelerator (Morpheous model X4). I later found remains (unknown white liquid) from a Satanic Gacha Ritual (???) he performed in the attic (20 m by 20 ft), and I (28M) am certain this “Genshin” controlled his mind (not that he has any). He (12M) was also watching a horrifying gaming show (In Space with Markiplier) on YouTube called “Markiplier” which I (22M) have now blocked.

He (12M) is no longer able to leave his room (22 by 28 ft), and I’ve contacted all his friends (2, both 12M)’ parents (40M, 42F, 39M, 30F) about this (genshin), it seems like this game (genshin) is a pandemic. They (2, both 12M), too, are all being punished as well. I (28M) am very disappointed and I (22M) will make sure he (12M) won't see our girlfriend (22F) for a very long time (9 weeks).


After that ordeal (genshin right?) is over, I attended my advanced economics class (morning class at 9 am) and I saw something I dread every time I close my eyes (dark brown). Someone (around 27, M) had brought their new gaming laptop (??? brand) to class (advanced economics). The Forklift ( Wiggins Marina Bul**l** ) he (around 27, M) used to bring it was still running idle at the back. I started sweating as I sat down and gazed over at the 700lb beast that was his laptop (??? brand). He (around 27, M) had already reinforced his desk (IKEA **STRANDTORP** ) ) with handmade steel support beams and was in the process of finding an outlet for a power cable thicker than Amy Schumer's thigh (unable to process thickness). I (28M) start shaking. I (28M) keep telling myself (28M) I'm going to be alright and that there's nothing to worry about. He (around 27, M) somehow finds a fucking outlet. Tears (colorless) are running down my cheeks (rosy red) as I send my last texts to my stepbro (13M) and our girlfriend (22F) saying I love them. The teacher (51F) starts the lecture (Intro to advanced economic part 2), and the student turns his laptop on. The colored lights on his RGB Backlit keyboard flare to life like a nuclear flash, and a deep humming fills my ears (55 mm) and shakes my very soul. The entire city (Tokyo) power grid goes dark. The classroom begins to shake as the massive fans begin to spin. In mere seconds my world has gone from vibrant life, to a dark, earth shattering void where my body is getting torn apart by the 150mph gale force winds and the 500 decibel groan of the cooling fans. As my body (5 ft 5, 124 Ib, extremely tanned from the radiation) finally surrenders, I weep, as my school (The University of Tokyo) and my city (Tokyo) go under. I fucking hate gaming laptops.

Okay Reddit, today I fucked up. I had sex with my sexy girlfriend. Oh my god I sexed her so hard and sexy like she was moaning and sexing all over the place. MmMmm ohhhh I love sex. In the middle of sexing her she said, "you're so sexy I love your 15 inch mangnum dong"- I came so hard and sexily that I ruptured my dickhole and now have to get penis reconstruction surgery but it's totally cool because I had epic sex.

Schrodinger's Blowjob -- Imagine you're blindfolded and you're getting the best raw pornstar-grade blowjob in the entire universe. The catch is, however, that you'll never figure out who's giving you that god-tier awesome schmosome sloppy toppy unless you take the blindfold off. It could be anybody, Ariana Grande, Ben Shapiro, Harold from the 7-11 near my house, or even your uncle's neighbour's fireman's cat. Now the question is: would you take off the blindfold and find out who the person/thing behind the stupendous jimmy-nibbler is and risk permanently scarring yourself, or would you keep the blindfold on and continue having your knob slobbed till your spirit hits the sky?

Sensitive, not open to criticism, petty, uses race for politics as well, not an asset to Korea. You just sit there and scream I’m racist all day, Instead of making plans. You are a backstabber, I thought I trusted you until you tried to vote me out, you said no hard feelings and even agreed to not politicize me. You backstabbing asshole. The least you could’ve done was wait for me to finish my term. You are the very reason our nation is going to shit, I don’t want a sensitive bitch in command of a nation with over 10000 members, and I want this guy checked under 4 codes of broken law. I will sue your ass when my suspension is done. Good day.

Can I ever be a professional bra fitter as a member of the male sex? I feel like it would be sexist not to employ someone because of their gender. It's my dream to feel women's breasts all day long. I want to become so good at it that I can immediately tell what their size is by just grabbing their boobs. I love women and their tits. When I die I'd like to thank God for making titties. You can lick them, suck them, use them as a pillow, and you can even motorboat them.



Oh, and umm back to the reason why I'd like to be a bra fitter - it's because it pays well.

Dear reddit I bounced on my boys dick to this for hours but I was wondering if you were aware of the cloud people they're trying to anal probe my dog and I cant cant do anything about it because everytime I try they make me whip my cock out and type tweets to Ted Cruz about how hes not the zodiac but I know that Canadian pee drinker cant get away with this he controls the cloud people and the globalists how the fuck and I suppose to drink wine and get a hair cut when the cloud people are trying to anal probe my dog????

I want BiG BiRdS giant furry veiny banana cock inside me. I want him to skull fuck me until I wake up with a huge migraine because of all the huge banana pudding cream load he shoots into my esophagus. The awesome oyster of banana cum staying in my throat as I sleep is a dream cum true. Oh God yes just the thought of it get my peachy banana hard.

My name is Edward, I am 16 and from the UK. I am currently in College learning Animal Studies. I like to work and help animals and I have a leopard gecko of my own. I do like a variety of video games, I tend to play games like ROBLOX. You will see me online most of the week quite possibly. I have always had a passion for animals and video games. I tend to be compassionate about certain things.
I hope to think that my future will be bright and have somebody in it, quite possibly you. If you wish to know anything else about me then ask me a question in DMs AFTER YOU HAVE SENT A VERIFICATION PICTURE.

If I get to know you better then I will tell you more about me.

Description: Brown short hair, Olive eyes, 5'8 -- I will send you a picture of myself if I get to know you better