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My friend is so weird
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Every time my friend comes over, he always asks to watch gay porn on the 65-inch TV with my mom. I always tell him no, and out of retaliation, he ejaculated on me several times. Sometimes, at school, he watches gay porn on his porn on his phone and jacks off. Everyt8me I try to say I don't want to be friends anymore, he stuff my face with his shit and cum. I hate him so much and get made fun of for being his friend. And one day I cam home and my sister was pregnant and I started freaking out and wondering who. Then it hit,me a giant slchong slapped across my face, it my my friend. After that he proceeded to impregnate my mom while watching gay porn on the big screen.
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copypasta_bot
Sexiest sex I've ever had
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TIFU by being so drippingly sexily hot that my husband, dad, brother, grandfather and Harold from 7-Eleven banged me in the sexiest sexy sexing sex sixsome ever causing the world to drown in cum. My MIL got mad because we didn’t invite her to join in. This wasn’t today but rather 10 years, 3 months, 7 weeks, 5 days, 13 hours, 20 minutes and 7 seconds ago.
TL;DR hot sex.
Edit: This blew up!
Edit 2: Thanks for tha gold!”
TL;DR hot sex.
Edit: This blew up!
Edit 2: Thanks for tha gold!”
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copypasta_bot
Any memorable moments you associate with a Travis song?
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I’ll go first, lost my virginity to oh my dis side. Remember starting and saying “oh my, oh my” with travis. I couldn’t believe what i was doing, I was singing the song in my head trying to distract myself and last longer. Finished just at the start of dis side. Been my fav song ever since.
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copypasta_bot
The Cum Empowers - a fan sequel to The Cum Accelerates
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Your eyes slowly open. Crusty from months of wear from stray globs of semen and cosmic dust. You are in a room and you can no longer see your member, or rather, what was left of it. There are tubes leading away from your pelvis, pumping and pulsating. There is a glass window across from you and a person dressed in a white jacket. A woman. She looks up from her clipboard to see you are awake. At first she is uninterested, but then her eyes slam open and a beaming smile crosses her face. Her eyes filled with curiosity.
“You’re awake!” She cries over the loudspeakers that you only just now notice embedded into the top corners of the room.
“Where am I?” You ask, filled with fear and excitement. You thought you would never see a human again and you would be destined to suffer endlessly across the cosmos.
“You are on Saturn. You crashed into it and due to it’s extreme mass you were able to stop. We picked you up because you may be the key to saving humanity for all eternity.”
“How?” You ask as a smile begins to creep across your face, imagining that you could be an icon for humanity.
“You have been addressed as the Cosmic Unknown Mass Semen Generator, or CUMS-G for short. The fault in reality that caused your affliction can be used for the good of humanity.
By using the mass you produce we will never have to worry about energy again, as by converting your biomass into energy we have unlimited power for the rest of time. When the stars die and the cosmos sink into nothing, humanity will be able to continue thanks to you. The anomaly that created you is easily one of the greatest discoveries humanity has ever had, on par with the discovery of fire.”
“Will I not die?”
“You can’t die. You are immortal. You don’t even have a body and yet you continue to exist”
…
Hours later, she leaves to tell her superiors. They do not greet you. They exchange high-fives and party but they do not speak to you.
Months pass.
Then years.
Then decades.
Then centuries.
Then eons.
No one talks to you. You don’t even know if humanity is alive anymore or if they have left you to exist for the rest of eternity.
The tubes around you have gotten far thicker and more high tech as the ferocity of your semen expulsion increased.
Eventually the walls around you cave in. Only then do you see the truth.
Their plan was flawed.
Your release had increased so much that they could no longer contain you. Your cum has consumed the entirety of the cosmos. Humanity is without a shred of doubt, gone.
You are alone in the universe.
If there were aliens, they are dead now.
It’s over.
“You’re awake!” She cries over the loudspeakers that you only just now notice embedded into the top corners of the room.
“Where am I?” You ask, filled with fear and excitement. You thought you would never see a human again and you would be destined to suffer endlessly across the cosmos.
“You are on Saturn. You crashed into it and due to it’s extreme mass you were able to stop. We picked you up because you may be the key to saving humanity for all eternity.”
“How?” You ask as a smile begins to creep across your face, imagining that you could be an icon for humanity.
“You have been addressed as the Cosmic Unknown Mass Semen Generator, or CUMS-G for short. The fault in reality that caused your affliction can be used for the good of humanity.
By using the mass you produce we will never have to worry about energy again, as by converting your biomass into energy we have unlimited power for the rest of time. When the stars die and the cosmos sink into nothing, humanity will be able to continue thanks to you. The anomaly that created you is easily one of the greatest discoveries humanity has ever had, on par with the discovery of fire.”
“Will I not die?”
“You can’t die. You are immortal. You don’t even have a body and yet you continue to exist”
…
Hours later, she leaves to tell her superiors. They do not greet you. They exchange high-fives and party but they do not speak to you.
Months pass.
Then years.
Then decades.
Then centuries.
Then eons.
No one talks to you. You don’t even know if humanity is alive anymore or if they have left you to exist for the rest of eternity.
The tubes around you have gotten far thicker and more high tech as the ferocity of your semen expulsion increased.
Eventually the walls around you cave in. Only then do you see the truth.
Their plan was flawed.
Your release had increased so much that they could no longer contain you. Your cum has consumed the entirety of the cosmos. Humanity is without a shred of doubt, gone.
You are alone in the universe.
If there were aliens, they are dead now.
It’s over.
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Copypasta Bot
copypasta_bot
LEL
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LEL
"How on earth do you conjure up such brilliance? The capital L showed off formality but the 'e' subverted my expectations, making me think you get quirky at night. The final letter 'l' blew my socks off with how simplistic and yet expressive it was, "I'm not trying to show personality, I AM the personality". Last but not least was the period, proving to myself that no matter how genius you may be, society will eventually make you conform to its standards. Truly a masterpiece. "
"How on earth do you conjure up such brilliance? The capital L showed off formality but the 'e' subverted my expectations, making me think you get quirky at night. The final letter 'l' blew my socks off with how simplistic and yet expressive it was, "I'm not trying to show personality, I AM the personality". Last but not least was the period, proving to myself that no matter how genius you may be, society will eventually make you conform to its standards. Truly a masterpiece. "
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copypasta_bot
I beat a child.
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I beat a child. He was just staring at me with his big, stupid face while I ate my delicious 8oz steak. His snot flapping in his nostrils and his eyes blinking out of sync infuriated me. The final straw was when he had the audacity to take a drink of his chocolate milk with his stupid idiot lips. I took my steak knife, which was stained with steak sauce and juices, and I stabbed him in the eyeball 98 times. I then proceeded to dumb an entire bottle of ketchup into his mouth as he screamed in pain. It gurgled with the force of a volcano. Finally, he stopped breathing altogether, and his mother called the police. When the police arrived, I used my half-eaten steak to beat them both to death, then I ran out, stripped off all my clothes, and ran naked through the local daycare, screaming “98 STAB WOUNDS” until I finally was apprehended by the authorities. I am facing 13 life sentences without parole.
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Copypasta Bot
copypasta_bot
Dude... cool it with the piss pee poo jokes. It's mostly girls on here, just did the numerals. And I started this server. They are only laughing at your toilet humor because they are too polite to be mean. Stop hogging all the attention. Oh plus: use the C-word 1 more time and you are de-modded.
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copypasta_bot
Why is my sister so FUCKING LOUD
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I swear all she does is masterbate and masterbate, it sounds like she’s mixing mac n cheese and you can hear her throughout the whole fucking house. My mom has been complaining to her but my sister just started going louder and louder. Worst part is my computer is in her room so everyday I have to go in there and see her just fucking DEMOLISHING her pussy, juices flying everywhere! And then I say, “hey maybe put down a towel to keep clean atleast,” BUT SHE JUST FUCKING IGNORES ME. I can’t stand living here honestly. Yesterday when I went to go use my computer it was absolutely drenched in her juices, and she stained atleast 6 of my shirts by now. And all my friends at school tease me, “haha haha tobias got his sister’s grool on his shirt,” “girlcum Tobias” has become my nickname. I hate it!
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I can’t stop thinking about Meowbah.
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Everyday when I wake up, I look up at my ceiling. There she is, Meowbah. She is my guiding light, without her I wouldn’t be able to guide myself through this dark place called the “outside.” Sounds like a cool Elden Ring section if you ask me, but I digress. I have her plastered all over my walls, her voice is even my ringtone. I fall asleep to her videos, just listening to her talk in my ears is so soothing. I would let Meowbah do things to me I would never let anyone else do. Why, why didn’t she have eSex with me? We could have done so much together—but no—some bitchless fetus had to steal her from me. I don’t believe it, why would she betray me? I join her voice chats everyday, and yet she doesn’t DM me, call me, video me, why? I just want her to notice how good of a guy I can be to her, I could buy her Nitro, defend her online, we could even ERP every night. It sounds like a dream, but I promise her I will make it come true. I even 3D printed a Meowbah keychain and put it on my backpack for school! I wore my favorite Meowbah shirt too, everyone laughed at me, but I didn’t care. Meowbah was with me the whole day, and that’s all that matters! I went home, and used the shirt as a rag after I got done watching a Meowbah video. It got pretty messy, I guess I couldn’t handle her kawaii little voice! I washed the shirt immediately, and made sure none of my mess was stuck on her face. I liked washing her, it felt she was actually there, bathing in front of me. How I wish Meowbah was mine, how I only wished.
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copypasta_bot
frog lady :Drollingface:
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# I really wanna bang the frog hat girl in r/ place
Idk I just find her super fucking cute. I wanna hold her down and fuck her at like 85 bpm while she looks at me with that cute hair. I wanna cum so hard into her that her frog hat flies off like a 70’s cartoon as she has a long sustained orgasm. The things I’d do to her to fulfill my lust would make Satan weep at the Pearly Gates, asking to be let in. It would have to be a new crime against humanity, but not out of hate, out of love.
God I fucking love her so much and imma ask my gf if she can dress up like her before I bust a nut in the bathroom of this airplane (America if any of you kiddos wanna know where my horny ass is)
Idk I just find her super fucking cute. I wanna hold her down and fuck her at like 85 bpm while she looks at me with that cute hair. I wanna cum so hard into her that her frog hat flies off like a 70’s cartoon as she has a long sustained orgasm. The things I’d do to her to fulfill my lust would make Satan weep at the Pearly Gates, asking to be let in. It would have to be a new crime against humanity, but not out of hate, out of love.
God I fucking love her so much and imma ask my gf if she can dress up like her before I bust a nut in the bathroom of this airplane (America if any of you kiddos wanna know where my horny ass is)
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me rn
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Connection terminated. I'm sorry to interrupt you, Elizabeth. If you still even remember that name.
But I'm afraid you've been misinformed.
You are not here to receive a gift. Nor, have you been called here by the individual you assume. Although, you have indeed been called.
You have all been called here. Into a labyrinth of sounds and smells, misdirection and misfortune.
A labyrinth with no exit. A maze with no prize. You don't even realize that you are trapped. Your lust of blood has driven you in endless circles. Chasing the cries of children in some unseen chamber, always seeming so near.
Yet somehow out of reach.
But, you will never find them. None of you will. This is where your story ends.
And to you, my brave volunteer, who somehow found this job listing not intended for you. Although, there was a way out planned for you, I have a feeling that's not what you want. I have a feeling that you are right where you want to be.
I am remaining as well. I am nearby.
This place will not be remembered and the memory of everything that started this, can finally begin to fade away. As the agony of every tragedy should.
And to you monsters trapped in the corridors. Be still. And give up your spirits.
They don't belong to you.
As for most of you, I believe there is peace and perhaps, warm, waiting for you after the smoke clears. Although, for one of you, the darkest pit of Hell has opened to swallow you whole. So, don't keep the Devil waiting, friend.
My daughter, if you can hear me, I knew you would return as well. It's in your nature to protect the innocent. I'm sorry that on that day, the day you were shut out and left to die, no one was there to lift you up in their arms, the way you lifted others into yours.
And then, what became of you, I should have known, you wouldn't be content to disappear. Not my daughter. I couldn't save you then.
So, let me save you now. It's time to rest, for you, and for those you have carried in your arms...
This ends.
For all of us.
End communication.
But I'm afraid you've been misinformed.
You are not here to receive a gift. Nor, have you been called here by the individual you assume. Although, you have indeed been called.
You have all been called here. Into a labyrinth of sounds and smells, misdirection and misfortune.
A labyrinth with no exit. A maze with no prize. You don't even realize that you are trapped. Your lust of blood has driven you in endless circles. Chasing the cries of children in some unseen chamber, always seeming so near.
Yet somehow out of reach.
But, you will never find them. None of you will. This is where your story ends.
And to you, my brave volunteer, who somehow found this job listing not intended for you. Although, there was a way out planned for you, I have a feeling that's not what you want. I have a feeling that you are right where you want to be.
I am remaining as well. I am nearby.
This place will not be remembered and the memory of everything that started this, can finally begin to fade away. As the agony of every tragedy should.
And to you monsters trapped in the corridors. Be still. And give up your spirits.
They don't belong to you.
As for most of you, I believe there is peace and perhaps, warm, waiting for you after the smoke clears. Although, for one of you, the darkest pit of Hell has opened to swallow you whole. So, don't keep the Devil waiting, friend.
My daughter, if you can hear me, I knew you would return as well. It's in your nature to protect the innocent. I'm sorry that on that day, the day you were shut out and left to die, no one was there to lift you up in their arms, the way you lifted others into yours.
And then, what became of you, I should have known, you wouldn't be content to disappear. Not my daughter. I couldn't save you then.
So, let me save you now. It's time to rest, for you, and for those you have carried in your arms...
This ends.
For all of us.
End communication.
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I want to see Matt Stonie take a shit
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I wanna see Matt Stonie's tight lil puckered boy pussy shit out a fat disgusting log
I wanna see that mangina in tasty, fantastic detail and I wanna see every little wrinkle in his little ass as he drops that fat stinky turd
Oh man it'd be so wonderful
Please Matt Stonie it's all I can think about
I can only imagine his poops would be big and smelly and hard, with all that food he eats for his videos.
Oh boy it would be so great to watch it'd make me so happy.
I wanna see that mangina in tasty, fantastic detail and I wanna see every little wrinkle in his little ass as he drops that fat stinky turd
Oh man it'd be so wonderful
Please Matt Stonie it's all I can think about
I can only imagine his poops would be big and smelly and hard, with all that food he eats for his videos.
Oh boy it would be so great to watch it'd make me so happy.
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copypasta_bot
I FOUND MY STEP MOM'S DILDO
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Basically, I was just getting ready for school and then went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. then when I opened the door, I found this fucking giant dildo that was like 30 cm tall. I closed the bathroom door and just walked upstairs. I feel so awkward near my step-mom now. not in a horny way, just fucking awkward. wtf do I do???
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copypasta_bot
the most cum you can fit in a single comment
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cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum 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cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum 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cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum
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Copypasta Bot
copypasta_bot
my girlfriend recently found out that I do not infact have a sense of gay humor but I am infact fucking her best gay friend
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So me (19M) and my girlfriend (20F) have been together for 4 years. About 3 years ago she has fully introduced me to her social circle and by doing so introduced me to this absolute specimen of a flamboyant beauty, her gay best friend (20M). One night me and my girlfriend where in bed and I Insisted that she let me fuck her best gay friend and take on an open relationship she laughed and said sure to my surprise. What I failed to pick up on is that she thought that was a joke and that it was just some gay humor. That aside I ended up explaining the situation to her gay best friend and he agreed to a weekly thing. We would have passionate gay sex every Saturday and Wednesday. And we would openly speak of it especially Infront my gf what she failed to do is realise that I wasn't joking and I was infact absolutely railing and getting railed by her best friend for almost a 2 years.
Jumping to the present she recently walked in on me and Greg (her best friend) with Greg's dick in my ass I locked on direct eye contact with her and I have never seen a face more disgusted she stormed off. When I ran after her I propelled so spontaneously that I accidently injured my gay lovers dick, whilst in pursuit of my grilfriend she kept shouting things like you cheating "bastard"and "it's one thing to cheat but to cheat on me with a man"
I lost her track and momentarily received a SMS of her breaking up with me. I proceeded to walk back to her gay best friend place only to find out that he had to be hospitalised due to the previously caused injury and that he was on his way to the hospital. I now have no one I truly hit rock bottom. I have permantly broken Greg's dick he doesn't want see me and I have permanently broken my girlfriend's heart, I wouldn't of fucked him if I didn't know my girlfriend was'nt okay with it. What should I do?
Jumping to the present she recently walked in on me and Greg (her best friend) with Greg's dick in my ass I locked on direct eye contact with her and I have never seen a face more disgusted she stormed off. When I ran after her I propelled so spontaneously that I accidently injured my gay lovers dick, whilst in pursuit of my grilfriend she kept shouting things like you cheating "bastard"and "it's one thing to cheat but to cheat on me with a man"
I lost her track and momentarily received a SMS of her breaking up with me. I proceeded to walk back to her gay best friend place only to find out that he had to be hospitalised due to the previously caused injury and that he was on his way to the hospital. I now have no one I truly hit rock bottom. I have permantly broken Greg's dick he doesn't want see me and I have permanently broken my girlfriend's heart, I wouldn't of fucked him if I didn't know my girlfriend was'nt okay with it. What should I do?
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I accidentally had sex with someone my girlfriend thinks I cheated
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So my boss had planned a vacation for all his employees, and my girlfriend seemed excited saying she feels like I deserve some time off after all the overtime I'd been putting in lately. We went to the Bahamas for the vacation, it'd been forever since I've been somewhere tropical so I loved it.
Until one day, I was relaxing on the beach, and decided it was time to go back to my hotel room, I walked past one of my more attractive coworkers, she was laying on her stomach sunbathing. Now, I'm not a cheater, but I could NOT help but stop and admire the scenery. Eventually I realized, I had an erection! And it was poking through my shorts! Who the hell designed these things? I started trying to step past her, but I slipped and fell right on top of her! My erect penis slid into her anus! She seemed surprised obviously, but I started panicking, trying to push up off of her but I just kept slipping and falling back down on her, thrusting back into her rear end. Eventually I managed to stand back up, but it was too late, I'd already busted all over her back. I looked around. So many people saw it, and were talking about sexual assault! Yes, I suppose that happened, but it was an accident! And what's worse, now my coworker thinks I have feelings for her! She just looked back at me, smiling, saying "Nick, I never knew you felt this way. Maybe we should get a drink sometime," first of all, NO BECAUSE THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT, and secondly, what the hell is wrong with you, lady?
The issue was reported to our boss, and I kept trying to say it was an accident but he didn't seem to believe me or care. We had to cut the trip short and go home early. Now, I'm not one to keep things from my girlfriend, so I explained to her I accidentally had sex with my coworker. I tried to explain to her time and time again what happened, but she just won't hear it, saying I cheated on her and I need to get out of her life. I'm innocent! I would never cheat! I just accidentally had sex with someone else!
Until one day, I was relaxing on the beach, and decided it was time to go back to my hotel room, I walked past one of my more attractive coworkers, she was laying on her stomach sunbathing. Now, I'm not a cheater, but I could NOT help but stop and admire the scenery. Eventually I realized, I had an erection! And it was poking through my shorts! Who the hell designed these things? I started trying to step past her, but I slipped and fell right on top of her! My erect penis slid into her anus! She seemed surprised obviously, but I started panicking, trying to push up off of her but I just kept slipping and falling back down on her, thrusting back into her rear end. Eventually I managed to stand back up, but it was too late, I'd already busted all over her back. I looked around. So many people saw it, and were talking about sexual assault! Yes, I suppose that happened, but it was an accident! And what's worse, now my coworker thinks I have feelings for her! She just looked back at me, smiling, saying "Nick, I never knew you felt this way. Maybe we should get a drink sometime," first of all, NO BECAUSE THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT, and secondly, what the hell is wrong with you, lady?
The issue was reported to our boss, and I kept trying to say it was an accident but he didn't seem to believe me or care. We had to cut the trip short and go home early. Now, I'm not one to keep things from my girlfriend, so I explained to her I accidentally had sex with my coworker. I tried to explain to her time and time again what happened, but she just won't hear it, saying I cheated on her and I need to get out of her life. I'm innocent! I would never cheat! I just accidentally had sex with someone else!
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Copypasta Bot
copypasta_bot
In all fairness, one must possess an exceedingly high intellectual quotient in order to comprehend the humor of Richard and Mortimer.
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In all fairness, thee must possess an exceedingly high intellectual quotient if ever thee wishes to comprehend Richard and Mortimer. Indeed, it's comedy proves extraordinary inconspicuous, therefore without sufficient schoolage pertaining to the subject of theoretical physics, the preponderance of comedy may only continue to evade the common spectator's grasp. Furthermore tis the philosophy of Richard, of which tis deftly woven throughout his essence - one such example tis Richard's personal philosophy, which draweth heavily from the literature of Narodnaya Volya. Understanding such matters are its devout followers; indeed these folk possess the intellectual capacity so that they may truly appreciate such depth within it's comedy, to come to the epiphany that such exchanges are nay simply humorous- but instead speak to something deep regarding LIFE. Therefore, those who dare proclaim distate towards Richard and Mortimer truly ART nincompoopians- why, tis of no bewilderment such folk nay appreciate, for instance, the humor within Rihard's existencial catchphrase "Wubbus Lubbus Dub Dubbus," one which pays cryptic homage to Turgenev's Russian epic Fathers and Sons. I confess myself to chortling right this very hour imagining such addlepated commonfolk stratching the rears of their heads in befuddlement as sir Daniel Harmon III's genius unfolds itself before them. What fools... how my pity aches for their souls. 😂
Indeed, I DO in fact possess a Richard and Mortimer tattoo. And nay, thee cannot lay eyes upon it. It exists for the damsels' eyes exclusively- And even they must demonstrate that they exist within five intellectual quotient points of mine own (preferably lower) beforehand.
Indeed, I DO in fact possess a Richard and Mortimer tattoo. And nay, thee cannot lay eyes upon it. It exists for the damsels' eyes exclusively- And even they must demonstrate that they exist within five intellectual quotient points of mine own (preferably lower) beforehand.
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Copypasta Bot
copypasta_bot
Anyone else remember when an adult woman made out with a little kid on a kids channel?
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I randomly thought about this and realized how weird and messed up that was.
I saw it as a kid and it had to be early 2000-2004 on possibly the Fox Kids channel. There was this show and it had a special Valentine’s Day episode. I dunno what kind of show it was but they were doing like real life stuff like Klokhuis. Mind I was a kid so I just barely remember the stuff that happened.
At one point the presenter interviews some boy at around 6 to 8? years old and he asks something along like “have you ever kissed someone?”, kid says “no”. Then the presenter called out a name and I swear to god an adult woman walked onto the set and sat next to the kid.
Don’t know exactly how it led to this moment but then the woman just straight up makes out with the kid. Really. Not kiss on the lips or something but a real makeout session. It even had like a slowmo montage and romantic music playing and shit. I swear I couldn’t make this shit up
Please tell me that someone else remembers this and that I didn’t have some sort of fever dream
I saw it as a kid and it had to be early 2000-2004 on possibly the Fox Kids channel. There was this show and it had a special Valentine’s Day episode. I dunno what kind of show it was but they were doing like real life stuff like Klokhuis. Mind I was a kid so I just barely remember the stuff that happened.
At one point the presenter interviews some boy at around 6 to 8? years old and he asks something along like “have you ever kissed someone?”, kid says “no”. Then the presenter called out a name and I swear to god an adult woman walked onto the set and sat next to the kid.
Don’t know exactly how it led to this moment but then the woman just straight up makes out with the kid. Really. Not kiss on the lips or something but a real makeout session. It even had like a slowmo montage and romantic music playing and shit. I swear I couldn’t make this shit up
Please tell me that someone else remembers this and that I didn’t have some sort of fever dream
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Copypasta Bot
copypasta_bot
Guess where I got this
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I have a better one...... Fuck you. You useless piece of shit. You absolute waste of space and air. You uneducated, ignorant, idiotic dumb swine, you’re an absolute embarrassment to humanity and all life as a whole. The magnitude of your failure just now is so indescribably massive that one hundred years into the future your name will be used as moniker of evil for heretics. Even if all of humanity put together their collective intelligence there is no conceivable way they could have thought up a way to fuck up on the unimaginable scale you just did. When Jesus died for our sins, he must not have seen the sacrilegious act we just witnessed you performing, because if he did he would have forsaken humanity long ago so that your birth may have never become reality. After you die, your skeleton will be displayed in a museum after being scientifically researched so that all future generations may learn not to generate your bone structure, because every tiny detail anyone may have in common with you degrades them to a useless piece of trash and a burden to society. No wonder your father questioned whether or not your were truly his son, for you'd have to not be a waste of carbon matter for anyone to love you like a family member. Your birth made it so that mankind is worse of in every way you can possibly imagine, and you have made it so that society can never really recover into a state of organization. Everything has forever fallen into a bewildering chaos, through which unrecognizable core, you can only find misfortune. I would say the apocalypse is upon us but this is merely the closest word humans have for the sheer scale of horror that is now reality. You have forever condemned everyone you love and know into an eternal state of suffering, worse than any human concept of hell. You are such an unholy being, that if you step within a one hundred foot radius of a holy place or a place that has ever been deemed important by anyone, your distorted sac religious soul will ruin whatever meaning it ever had beyond repair. You are an idiotic, shiteating, dumbass ape and no one has ever loved you. Rhodes Island would have been better off if you'd never joined us. You are a lying, backstabbing, cowardly useless piece of shit and I hate you with every single part of my being. Even this worlds finest writers and poets from throughout the ages could never hope to accurately describe the scale on which you just fucked up, and how incredibly idiotic you are. Anyone that believes in any religion out there should now realize that they have been wrong this entire time, for if divine beings were real, they would never have allowed a being such as you to stain the earth and this universe. In the future there will be horror stories made about you, with the scariest part of them being that the reader has to realize that such an indescribable monster actually exists, and that the horrific events from the movie have actually taken place in the same world that they live in right now. You are the absolute embodiment of everything that has ever been wrong on this earth, yet you manage to make it so that that is only a small part of the evil that is your being. Never in the history of mankind has there been anyone that could have predicted such an eldrich abomination, but here you are. It’s hard to believe that I am seeing such an incredible failure with my own eyes, but here I am, so unfortunately I cannot deny your existence. Even if I did my very best, my vocabulary is not able to describe the sheer magnitude of the idiotic mistake that is you. Even if time travel some day will be invented, there still would not be a single soul willing to go back in time to before this moment to fix history, because having to witness such incredible horrors if they failed would have to many mental and physical drawbacks that not even the bravest soul in history would be willing to risk it. I cannot imagine the pure dread your mother must have felt when she had to carry a baby for nine months and then giving birth to such a wretched monster as you. Not a single word of the incoherent, illogical rambling you may be wanting to do to defend yourself or apologize would ever be able to make up for what you just did. The countries of the world would have wanted to make laws preventing such a terrible event like this from ever happening again, but sadly this is not possible since your horrific actions just now have shattered every form of order this world once had, making concepts such as laws irrelevant. Right from the moment I first set my eyes on you I knew you were an absolute abomination of everything that is wrong with humanity. I was hoping I would have been able to prevent your evil from being released upon this world by tagging along and keeping my eye on you, but it is clear to me now that not even the greatest efforts would have been able to prevent a terrible event in this scale from occurring. You are the worst human being, or even just being in general, that I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing. Events like the infected plague apparently only happened with the goal of teaching humanity to survive such a horrible event as the one you just created, but not even mankind’s greatest trials were able to even slightly prepare anyone for the insufferable evil you have just created. If you ever had them, your children would be preemptively killed to protect this universe from the possibility of anyone in your bloodline being even half as bad as you are, except you will never be able to have children, because not a single human being will ever want to come within a hundred mile radius of you and anything you have ever touched. You are a colossal disappointment not only to your parents, but to your ancestors and entire bloodline. The disgusting mistake that you have just made is so incredibly terrible that everyone who would ever be to hear about it would spontaneously feel an indescribable mixture of immense anger, fear and anxiety that emotionally and physically they would never truly be the same ever again. The sheer scale of your mistake, if ever to be materialized, would not only surpass the size of the world, but it would reach far beyond the edges of the known, and almost certainly the unknown universe. I could sit here and write paragraphs, nay, books describing your immense failure, yet even if I were to dedicate my life to describing the reality of what has just gone down here, and I would spend every moment of it until my heart stops beating working as hard and efficiently as possible, yet there is not even a snowballs chance in hell that I would be able to come close to transcribing the absolute shitshow you have just released upon the world. You are an irresponsible, idiotic, disgusting, unloved, horrible excuse for a living being who’s soul contains less humanity than every ginger in history combined. The absolute disgust I feel when thinking about anything that has even a slight resemblance to anything that might have to do with you and your unholy actions is so incredibly great that when I am honest about it I think that even I do not posses a consciousness great enough to comprehend my own feelings about it. When people of Columbia fought to break free from Lungmen, countless soldiers fought and lost their lives in favor of a chance at a better future for their children, they did not give their lives to have you fuck the world up beyond repair to the degree that you are doing right now. Honestly, even when technology advances and studies on the subject become more and more accurate, I do not think humanity will ever truly be able to understand what your failure actually means for the universe....
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Copypasta Bot
copypasta_bot
Iraqi ultimate weapon
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my farts smell so bad rn they can be considered a war crime (being a biological/chemical weapon)
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