Dear President Vladimir Putin,

I'm so sorry that I was not your mother.

If I was your mother
you would have been so loved.

Held in the arms of joyous light
Never would this story's plight
The world unfurled
Before our eyes
a pure demise
Of a nation sitting peaceful under a night sky.

If I was your mother
the world would have been warm
So much laughter and joy
And nothing would harm
I can't imagine the stain
The soul-stealing pain
That the little boy that you must've seen and believed
As the formulation of thought
Quickly taught
that you lived in a cruel and unjust world.

Is this why you now decide no one
will get the best of you?
Is this why you do not hide
nor away shy
from taking back the world?
Was it because so early in life
All of that strife
racked your little body with fear?

If I was your mother
if the world was cold
I would've died to make you warm
I would've died to protect you from the unjust
The violence
the terror
the uncertainty
I would've died to give you life.

Oh dear Mister President Putin
If only I had been your mother
Perhaps the torture of unwrit youth
Would not within your heart imdue
Ascription to such fealty 'gainst the world that you thought was so cruel.

Perhaps you would hold dear human life
And on this night
instead of Mother Russia you would call me
And I would set your mind quite free
With the love that only a mother can give
And only a mother can take away
When holds she doesn't harm at bay
And leaves her boy for the promise of a man.

Whatever your story Mister President Putin
I can't imagine how it feels in your heart
But I know that if I was your mother that would be a start

Towards the awareness of what a powerful being of light you could be
if your mind was only free
From the violence you've seen
When you were just two or three
I cannot believe I was born too late
In a different place
When I would have loved you so
Watched you play wherever you go.

I’d like to think that the average IQ of a Reddit user is higher than the societal average.

I’d like to think that the average IQ of a Reddit user is higher than the societal average. I mean, we do write an awful lot on here. The fact we can form coherent sentences and express ourselves via writing definitely pushes us slightly ahead of a large portion of society.

My mother knows I'm a lolicon now.

I'm telling you all a bit of a story. I was playing a Pokemon game with a friend, and we're good friends. We make jokes against each other, yadda yadda yadda. My friend knows I like lolis, and during one of our conversations where I said "Cope seethe mald" because he lost in a Pokemon battle that I won in, he said "Cope seethe mald 'cause you're a pedophile!". Now obviously I'm not, but I don't know what his stance is on lolicons so I asked him if he actually thinks I'm a pedophile. He said "No, not actually", and my mother overheard what I said. She went into my room and asked "Why would people think you're a pedophile?" and I told her that I liked lolis (No hesitation, by the way. I'm shameless for a reason). She asked what a loli was, and I showed her an image of a loli. Her response?

"Yeah, she's a little on the younger side. At least depicted as the younger side. I can see why people think you're a pedophile, but it's just fiction"
(I don't remember her exact words, but that's close)

So now my mother knows that I like lolis, and seeing as she mentioned that it was on the younger side and I mentioned pedophilia, she knows I mean sexually. She's perfectly fine with me liking lolis and she, like any sensible person, chalks it up to "It's just fiction".

Best part is, she's a psychologist.
You know, the people that know the human mind and its function.

The people that STUDY human psychology.
The THERAPISTS.

Fuck acronyms. Why does everyone assume everyone else knows what the fuck they're talking about by using these random acronyms. It doesn't save that much time and is so fucking annoying. If you're going to use an acronym, use it, then in parenthesis out what it means, for example: fa (fuck acronyms) and fewuafya (fuck everyone who uses acronyms, fuck you all).

Sorry, this is an opinion and a rant, but seriously, stop using so many acronyms, it's not helpful.

Ever wonder where your business goes after you flush? Well, it goes down this pipe to the Peepee Poopoo man’s lair. He has pipes and collections from toilets nationwide. He keeps your fecal matter in his archives, similar to how the tooth fairy steals your baby teeth. You are completely unaware of his presence but he is there, taking your matter for keepsakes. What does he do with the pee, you ask? Well, he drinks it of course! The Peepee Poopoo man lives in exile because of this. They say when he gets hungry, he will eat other people’s fecal matter in his lair since he has no access to the outside world. With the brown smudged around his face like chocolate and coagulated urine dripping from his mouth, every man fears the Peepee Poopoo man.

"Hehehe" - The cultured man said with a smirk forming over his many bearded chins.


As he raised his ever-dripping right hand to grab a hold of his fedora, the moisture of his armpits was shown to all who could still see — for some had already poked their eyes out in search of relief from such a sight — and the reek was carried by a malevolent wind, melting skin and bone of all it reached.


For a moment, you hear the silent screams of the anime girls bound to his $4 ahegao shirt, as if they were given a soul just to suffer the touch of his flesh. You try to ward off these thoughts. Surely, not even unfeeling coincidence, much less a caring god, could possess the cruelty needed to allow such fate. But it was all in vain, for you knew his mere existence meant every line had been crossed, every hope lost. You raise your forsaken eyes one last time, your only dream left being the end of all things.


He stands in front of you, unaware of the despair he brings, yet feasting on it. His hand finally reaches his hat, and it squirms in agony while the screams get louder. His salivating maw opens once again.


"I see you're a man of culture as well."


Senseless strings of numbers poured from his mouth as the sky disappeared, replaced by an infinite swarm of flies. You scream, but the voice that comes out is not yours; it is the voice of an anime girl. The ground you stood on is now gone, but you do not fall, for the numbers are pulling you towards him, while your body starts to lose its form, liquified into ink. Now you understand, but it is too late. It was always too late.


With a tip of his fedora, silence falls once again. The cultured man pulls out his bento box, and takes an onigiri. But the once appetizing meal falls off his always-soaked hand, all over you. Now you understand the true nature of the liquid it was drenched in. He wipes your face with a dirty towel, all too used to that white substance.


And you scream, silently, along with the others, trapped in his $4 ahegao shirt.

Seriously are you trying to explain to me your penis doesn't react to Japanese Lolicon? You are lying to yourself. Your dick is throbbing when Konata is on the screen. Look. It's natural and normal we all have boners. In Japan, as an expert who lived there before while on a field trip I saw Lolicon everywhere! It's a part of Japanese culture and to act like you are better for not enjoying it shows a subtle racism on your part. Stop being so PC and go to exhentai right now.

You think I care? I'll I care about is that number of red thumbs going up and up. It's 4000 right know who knows what it'll it be tomorrow or next week. Do you relly think I didn't know it wassnt the "perfect fit" for this sub. I may be a doofus on the front page. Who are you?

Thinkpad Soft touch

It felt so fucking good. Her electrical cervix is what made it spicy. It was a pleasure doing her. Raiden is love, Raiden is life. It wouldn't be a surprise to see why I enjoyed it considering that she's one of the hottest anime characters of all time. Cumming on her felt better than doing the same to the animatronics from Fnaf. You guys should try her next time, 10/10 would smash again.

I never know how to reply to sup, I just immediately start to question my existence as a whole and wonder what truly life is. Does "sup" mean "what's up?" or does it mean "how are you?" or perhaps even "what are you doing at the moment?" or maybe just maybe "what's going on?". I'll never truly understand the definition of sup and how to reply to such a word.

I feel like the true nature of "sup" in our modern vernacular is to isolate the inherent ontological nature of the lexicon itself. Surely it is not a panacea that encapsulates all definitions in one polysemy? The numerous definitions of "sup" are offset movements of music that fuse to the polyphonic symphony of uncertainty. It bears no weight, lends no meaning, provides no clue for you to ascertain its nature. All we can do is wait — and pray.

The first nation to fall to the Great Gamer World Revolution was Russia. Due to a combination of critical shortages in the Nintendo and Playstation sectors of the economy, Russian Gamers began to rise up. No longer idol nor enduring such harsh deprivations, the shower-less mass of virgin flesh coalesced as if it were but a unitary being.

The results were devastating. Moscow didn't stand a chance.

Now the "Federal Gamers Republic of Greater Russia" (FGRGR) is declaring itself as the rightful government. But rumors have it that guerilla war is being waged against the FGRGR by the Gamers Liberation Army, the militant wing of the "Peoples Social Gaming Party" (PGSP), though the FGRGR is quick to deny this.

Whoever holds power when the smoke clears, let us not be so naive to believe the barbaric gaming horde will stop at Moscow. From their base in eastern Russia, the PSGP have already begun to wage a low-level revolutionary anti-microtransaction Jihad against the rest of Afro-Eurasia. Leading several Central Asian republics to preemptively criminalize micro-transactions and other "anti-gaming" activities. Even global powers, such as the People’s Republic of China are beginning to acknowledge the threat with the Standing Committee of the National People's Congress recently passing a series of emergency resolutions “to Protect the rights of the Chinese Gaming Community and promote national unity”. But although Asia is the first to make concessions, Europe in their decadent social-democratic malaise is expected to be the first to fall. Unable to face the numerous fundamental contradictions at the heart of their jokerfied civilizations, the European elites will fall to infighting as the pudgy, smelly, and racist gaming masses rise up and "break free of their chains".

It is too soon to tell if this “movement” will spread across the Atlantic. I pray for all of our sakes that it doesn’t, let the Americas be where humanity makes her last stand.

I hope Putin burns in hell for what he has unleashed; and I hope, god willing we survive, that humanity learns its limits, and to **never fuck with gamers**.

You know what is a circle? Yeah, a shape. You know what else is a shape? A square. You know what is a square that’s frozen?An ice cube. You know what I put in my ice cubes? MY CUM. THATS RIGHT YOU HEARD ME RIGHT MY CUM. YES I FREEZE MY CUM AND ITS VERY DELICIOUS. WHEN MY FRIENDS ASK FOR A DRINK AT MY HOUSE YOU KNOW WHAT I GIVE THEM? CUM CUBES WITH MY CUM INSIDE THEM. AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAID? THEY SAID IT IS VERY DELICIOUS!!!!

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣴⡾⠿⠿⠿⠿⢶⣦⣄⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢠⣿⠁⠀⠀⠀⣀⣀⣀⣈⣻⣷⡄⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣾⡇⠀⠀⣾⣟⠛⠋⠉⠉⠙⠛⢷⣄⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣤⣴⣶⣿⠀⠀⢸⣿⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣀⢹⡆ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢸⡏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢿⣿⣿⣷⣶⣶⣿⣿⣿⣿⠃ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣼⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠻⠿⣿⣿⠿⠿⠛⢻⡇⡇ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣿⡅⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⡇ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⡟⠉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⠀⠀⣿⡇ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣷⡄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣈⡇⠀⣿⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⢰⡿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠋⠀⢸⡟⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⠃⠀⠀⢰⠛⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣾⡇⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⣸⡟⠀⣴⠖⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣿⠁⠀ ⠀⠀⢠⣿⠀⠸⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣸⡏⠀⠀ ⠀⢀⣾⠃⠀⠀⠈⢀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣿⠁⠀⠀ ⠀⣸⡟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠪⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⣧⠀⠀⠀ ⢰⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣤⡾⠋⠀⠀⠀ ⣼⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣸⡟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⣿⠁⢀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣀⡆⠀⣰⡿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⣿⡆⡏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣄⠁⠀⣰⡿⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⢸⣧⢈⡅⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠶⠶⠋⢀⣼⠟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠈⢻⣦⠓⠂⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣤⣾⠟⠁⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠙⠿⠶⣶⣤⣤⣶⡶⠿⠛⠉⠀

Hi, long time lurker here, finally decided to ask Reddit
about my problem. (Names changed)
1 (17F) have been dating Carl (18M) for roughly 5
months now. Everything has been going well except
for one problem. Carl continues to make fun of me
doing regular
"woman things" (makeup, hair and skin
care etc) by yelling
"WOMAN MOMENT!" As loudly
as acceptable in that setting. If I'm having difficulty
finding a decent outfit (I have a lot of clothes) he will
say it. If he sees me doing my makeup or taking it off
it, it is a woman moment. When I go to my therapy
session, it's a woman moment. I can hardly live my
life without it being a
"woman moment"
I've asked him multiple times to stop, but he refuses.
His excuse is that it's "ust a joke" and that I'm
overreacting.
It's driving me crazy, I just want him to stop.
What do I do? How can I make him stop?
Edit/update: Thank you for comments, I'm going to
talk to him on Thursday again and then l'Il decide if
this relationship is right for me. Thank you for all of
your advice!

Howdy, my name is Rawhide Kobayashi. I'm a 27 year old Japanese Japamerican (western culture fan for you foreigners). I brand and wrangle cattle on my ranch, and spend my days perfecting the craft and enjoying superior American passtimes. (Barbeque, Rodeo, Fireworks) I train with my branding iron every day, this superior weapon can permanently leave my ranch embled on a cattle's hide because it is white-hot, and is vastly superior to any other method of livestock marking. I earned my branding license two years ago, and I have been getting better every day. I speak English fluently, both Texas and Oklahoma dialect, and I write fluently as well. I know everything about American history and their cowboy code, which I follow 100% When I get my American visa, I am moving to Dallas to work in an oil field to learn more about their magnificent culture. I hope I can become a cattle wrangler for the Double Cross Ranch or an oil rig operator for Exxon-Mobil! I own several cowboy hats, which I wear around town. I want to get used to wearing them before I move to America, so I can fit in easier. I rebel against my elders and seniors and speak English as often as I can, but rarely does anyone manage to respond. Wish me luck in America!

We need to talk about your balls. (pool balls clacking) Are they smooth, or covered in bits of annoying fluff? (blows) These are my balls. See how they glisten in the light? Your balls can be like these, but you got to use the right tools for the job.


This? No.
This? **No!**
This? Only if that's what you're into.


Balls are delicate, sensitive, easy to damage. Someone's taken a chunk out of that one. That's why I use The Lawn Mower 4.0. It's got SkinSafe Technology with a replaceable ceramic blade so you can trim with confidence. It's got an LED light so you can always see what you're doing. Lights please! And what's more, it's got a wireless charging system and it's waterproof. You can even drop it in your pint. (beer fizzing) You wouldn't want to drink it though. It's got pubes in it.


The MANSCAPED Lawn Mower is trusted by over two million men worldwide. That's over four million balls. So why don't you join them and use the right tools for the job because when it comes to balls, you don't want to muck about. (pool balls clacking)


Go to manscaped.com and check out the all new Lawn Mower 4.0 and receive free shipping.

I would like to inform you that I busted a huge nut to your post. My earth shattering orgasm started making me moan loud enough to deafen anyone in the near vicinity. What followed was a torrential downpour of every single sperm cell I ever have or will ever produce, shot out so hard that it ripped my dick apart by my übernut accelerating to 7% the speed of light by the time it left my urethra. It punched right trough my wall, barely slowing down, before cutting trough a structural support beam in my building as it were a nuclear powered angle grinder. The shear weight of this historical nut, combined with the total destruction of everything in its path, caused my building to collapse, and every female in the city to fall pregnant with my children. When the death toll was tallied, there were 33 deaths, 148 injuries, and over 4 million pregnancies. As I lay dying under the rubble, I rest assured knowing every one of my sons will repeat this glorious act.

Let me give you some personal insight on the matter.


I've been with my wife for 10 years now. We met in high school, and I got her pregnant.
She is and always has been a lazy person and a shit cook. I wouldn't even mind eating shit food if she at least made it on time. But she rarely did.


We'd get into screaming arguments constantly about how lazy and worthless she was. I felt like an asshole for it, but goddamn she was a real piece of work. The only reason I dealt with all this was for the kids, and also because the sex is great.


But one night, I got fed up. Not only did she get drunk, neglect the kids, and made me top Ramen for dinner, but she decided to give me attitude too. She was being real fucking bitchy. So I told my grandparents to keep an eye on the kids and told my wife we were going to go out and have dinner together. I drove maybe 3 blocks to a quiet area (we live in Oregon, it's not hard to find a quiet field) and I got out of the car, went around like I was going to open her door for her and let her out, and I just beat the shit out of her while she was still seatbelted. After a few punches, I asked her if she wanted to go back to her parents. She started screaming and yelling and said yes, so I beat the shit out of her again. Then I asked her what she wanted to do. She finally got smart and said she wanted to go home. So I took her home and dared her to start trouble. I even handed her my cellphone and dialed her mom's number on the drive home. I made her talk to her mom, while daring her to fucking say something.


Before that incident, I had never laid a hand on her. But I had always threatened it. I told her "one of these days, if you don't straighten up, I'm going to lay hands on you."


All my meals have been on time, and she just recently tried to make a meatloaf. It was mediocre, but I was just thrilled that she tried.


Do with that information what you will.

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠗⠀⠀⠀⣼⣶⣾⣿⣿⣶⡄⠀⠀⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⣽⣿⣿⣿⠿⢿⣿⡀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⠀⠀⠀⠀⠻⠿⠟⠛⠳⠿⢟⡀⠰⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⢰⣆⢧⣀⣆⢤⣾⡀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⠀⠀⡀⠻⣿⣷⣿⣷⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡀⠀⠀⠸⠭⢛⠟⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠄⠀⠐⢒⣺⣷⠟⠛⣱⡿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠀⠀⠛⠛⢛⣠⡾⠏⠀⠈⠿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⠀⢀⣠⣾⣿⡟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠙⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠛⢉⠃⠀⢘⡧⣉⠻⠏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠉⠉⠙ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠋⠀⠀⠀⢂⢔⣠⢀⣾⡿⠃⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⠀⠀ ⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⡠⣠⠄⠀⠠⠍⢁⣸⡟⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠐⠀⠄⠀⠀ ⡿⡿⢿⣯⠙⡻⣵⡶⣛⠁⢰⣿⡿⠏⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢀⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠃⠀⢙⣿⡞⢙⣿⠟⠉⠀⠘⢉⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣠⣾⣿⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠠⣿⣿⣤⣴⠶⠃⠠⠂⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠄⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⠿⠃⠀⠀⠀⢀⣠⠂