I am still shaking from a few minutes ago, rhis is what happened:
I went to go do my normal jerk off routine this arvo and everything is going welll, not great, not good, but as expected . So when i jerk off i hsve some paper towel scraps that I geyser into, sometimes for multiple uses. I prefer paper towel because it is sort of a cross between a sock and toilet paper. Not too weak but not too strong and you can recycle it which i assume is good for the earth. So, i grab my used papertowel square and I infold it from the crusty clump it was, and I geyser straight into it without ever looking and guess what i guess a little jumping spider snuck into it and made a little cum cave house. I geysered right all over the poor bugger and Im sure it just ruined his whole day, i tried wiping the cum off it but it wouldnt stop jumping around so fuck you asshole i tried to save you and you wouldnt let me. Im so pissed and sad i feel like i want to vomit because I love spiders but i also love to cum and i guess I accidentslly collided those worlds together and the outcome is pretty lame

I have been married to my wonderful wife Karen Pence for 27 years. I call her Mother, short for the Mother of my kids. I DO NOT HAVE A MOTHER FETISH.

I am have never seen her butthole because we only have missionary sex. After hours of consulting with my paster for 48 hours, I finally confirmed that doggle style sex isn't against the bible, as long as my pee pee does not go inside her butthole.

The night finally came, and she got on all fours, the moment I've been waiting for 27 years finally came. I saw it. It reminded me of something. It looked like Mother! Not Karen, but my biological mother.

It spoke. It said 'Mike Pence, I am very disappointed in you. You are in big trouble young man'.

I said 'I'm sorry Mother!' and freaked out and ran out of the house, naked.

1 week later I was enjoying breakfast when I got a call. I picked up and it was my biological Mother. 'Hi Mother, how are you'.

My biological Mother responded, 'I know what you tried to do Mike Pence. You should be ashamed of yourself'. I immediately hung up the phone, and ran out of the house, naked.

I have no idea what's going on or what I should do.

REDDIT YOU GOT TO HELP ME

Imagine you were born in the U.S to a homeless mother who got pregnant by some means. She has $0 in her bank account, no traceable identity or birth certificate to make income, and then you are born. Your mother immediately tends to your baby needs, one of them being pants. But since your mother has no money, she cannot buy pants, so she shoplifts but gets caught and dies in prison so you never see her again. So eventually, you survive long enough to go to the store and buy some pants, but you're denied of entrance to the store because you're naked. And even if you were allowed in to buy pants, you have no money and you don't speak english since you never went to school, as that requires pants which you do not have. So your instincts are to get a hold of pants, no matter the cost. So you pull people's pants down, trying to get some pants. But since you don't speak english because you never went to school because you cannot be enrolled due to your lack of pants and cannot justify being naked and trying to pull people's pants off, they think you're a sex offender and you go to jail. While now you're given mandatory pants, but when you go to trial, you do not have pants, and you do not speak english because you never went to school because you never had pants. Your mother is dead and you have no friends or family (because you have no pants) so you have no one to fight on your behalf. No lawyers in North America will argue on a defendant with a severe lack of pants, so you go to jail. You may have pants now, but you will always be known as "Pantless Paul." You're name's not Paul. Invest in pants.

I was honestly shocked when he told me his was into the idea of pegging and wanting to try it. He's a very old fashioned and masculine man's man so not the type at all you'd imagine would be into such things.

I figured why not? I've seen him fuck me it doesn't look hard and I'm not the one taking it (thankfully he dropped the idea of being in my ass years ago) so why not?

Well we went to the sex store, bought a strap on, bondage gear and plenty of lube and gave it a shot. Well it was hard to ease it into him but we finally got it in there. He seemed happy and once he loosened up I really started going to town on him. He was tied down and had a ball gag in. Which is new but it's what he wanted.

It was hard getting it into him at first but eventually we got there and I started getting into it and really went to town on him. He was moaning really loud and had multiple orgasms from what I could tell but then eventually he shook his head to tell me it was time to stop. So I slowly pulled out the strap on and liquid poop came gushing out of him like a river. All over our beautiful bed, our sheets, the sex towel we laid down and my legs and feet.

It wouldn't stop coming out of him so I did the only thing I could think of, I shoved the strap on back in to stop the flow when made him scream loudly behind his ball gag and really only made it slowly leak out. Then I threw up, all over his back and ass and he threw up all over the ball gag and nearly choked on his own vomit but thankfully I was able to release it so he could breathe but of course he continued gagging and vomiting as did I until we were both done.

We both were in tears, crying and in shock. He weakly asked me to untie him so I wiped the shit and vomit off of my hands and I did then slowly pulled the strap on out of his still leaking asshole.

We both stood there for a moment still crying and gagging occassionally. He said, "What do we do?" I told him let's just say fuck it and strip everything, throw it out and clean it as best we can. We both jumped in the shower to hose ourselves off then I opened the bedroom door to get garbage bags. Our dog was at the door and missed us so he rushed into the bedroom and before I could stop him immediately started licking up the diarrhea, vomit, lube and cum mixture. This of course caused my husband and I to painfully gag and dry heave more.

I grabbed the dog and sent him outside and we got everything into bags, took off the mattress protector to wash it and threw the bags into the trash, cleaned the carpet where it spilled. Then showered again and brushed our teeth and re-made the bed and sprayed air freshener and lit candles. During the whole process which took hours we both broke down and cried multiple times.

We went to sleep without ever saying a word to eachother and barely said anything to eachother this morning before work.

I haven't seen him yet but I don't know what he's feeling or if we're okay in our marriage now. I honestly am so disgusted still by the whole experience and I don't know if I can ever bring myself to do that again.

Edit: This has really blown up. I'm glad people can find humor in it at least. Also, yes I am aware anal douching is a thing and that there's prep involved but apparently my husband is less informed. Literally over 100 comments are "YoU nEeD tO dOuChE yOuR aSsHoLe." I know. I will tell him.

Edit 2: We talked it out. We're fine. I am going to get back on that horse and peg him again! He's going to try putting it in my ass too. He finally talked me into it. I figure things can't go any worse than this.

I was honestly shocked when he told me his was into the idea of pegging and wanting to try it. He's a very old fashioned and masculine man's man so not the type at all you'd imagine would be into such things.

I figured why not? I've seen him fuck me it doesn't look hard and I'm not the one taking it (thankfully he dropped the idea of being in my ass years ago) so why not?

Well we went to the sex store, bought a strap on, bondage gear and plenty of lube and gave it a shot. Well it was hard to ease it into him but we finally got it in there. He seemed happy and once he loosened up I really started going to town on him. He was tied down and had a ball gag in. Which is new but it's what he wanted.

It was hard getting it into him at first but eventually we got there and I started getting into it and really went to town on him. He was moaning really loud and had multiple orgasms from what I could tell but then eventually he shook his head to tell me it was time to stop. So I slowly pulled out the strap on and liquid poop came gushing out of him like a river. All over our beautiful bed, our sheets, the sex towel we laid down and my legs and feet.

It wouldn't stop coming out of him so I did the only thing I could think of, I shoved the strap on back in to stop the flow when made him scream loudly behind his ball gag and really only made it slowly leak out. Then I threw up, all over his back and ass and he threw up all over the ball gag and nearly choked on his own vomit but thankfully I was able to release it so he could breathe but of course he continued gagging and vomiting as did I until we were both done.

We both were in tears, crying and in shock. He weakly asked me to untie him so I wiped the shit and vomit off of my hands and I did then slowly pulled the strap on out of his still leaking asshole.

We both stood there for a moment still crying and gagging occassionally. He said, "What do we do?" I told him let's just say fuck it and strip everything, throw it out and clean it as best we can. We both jumped in the shower to hose ourselves off then I opened the bedroom door to get garbage bags. Our dog was at the door and missed us so he rushed into the bedroom and before I could stop him immediately started licking up the diarrhea, vomit, lube and cum mixture. This of course caused my husband and I to painfully gag and dry heave more.

I grabbed the dog and sent him outside and we got everything into bags, took off the mattress protector to wash it and threw the bags into the trash, cleaned the carpet where it spilled. Then showered again and brushed our teeth and re-made the bed and sprayed air freshener and lit candles. During the whole process which took hours we both broke down and cried multiple times.

We went to sleep without ever saying a word to each other and barely said anything to each other this morning before work.

I haven't seen him yet but I don't know what he's feeling or if we're okay in our marriage now. I honestly am so disgusted still by the whole experience and I don't know if I can ever bring myself to do that again.

Retrieved from: r/confessions

Words cannot describe the agony that this man has invoked upon the students of Calc1000A. It was under Peregrine Read's supervision that a generation was massacred in the quagmires of suffering that were the first midterm and the final exam. Like a disorientated soldier at Passchendaele, all us students could do was grasp at the illusion of salvation.

Vanny's pussy is greasy and everyone knows it. Every single fan of this franchise has, at some point, vividly imagined examining each and every inch of her oily vagina. I'm not alone on this. There is something inherent about Vanny that makes someone look at her and think "touching her crotch would be equivalent to touching a KFC chicken breast." I've asked countless people on this matter. Every time I walk to work, I ask everyone I pass about this. I've asked family and friends as well. They are usually shocked at first, but can't help but agree. Even those who haven't heard of Five Nights at Freddy's intrinsically know the exact texture of her pussy. But if you know, you know. Fucking it would be comparable to fucking a subway sandwich with extra vinaigrette.

About 2 years ago when I was 14 I was trying out for football and I had to get a physical and well me being gay and my family doctor being super hot I got hard as rock during my physical and when he went to do the testicular exam I just erupted at his touch... it got all over his glove and a shot hit his face.. . He just wiped it off and told me to just pretend it never happened. Its still weird anytime I have to go see him though especially since my boyfriend is his son

I was at work and I was jerking off to amongus porn. Then my boss came in and I accidently slammed my laptop onto my dick. Now my dick is flat and it kept papercutting my thighs, so I tried to cut it off but my scissors suck

Take your stinky $12 coffee drinking ass out of here. In my world I want porn sites, gun ranges, recreational marijuana, and violent video games. And if you want porn sites, and porn videos, and porn drawings, then you need porn people to exist. Fuck it: If alcohol is somehow culturally acceptable, porn sure as shit should be too. And don’t pretend its bad because it’s not productive; your shitty desk jobs for some startup that sells hotdog telemetry isn’t about to cure cancer either, and there’s no puritanical tirades for that niche. Literally, in its most pure form, “let people enjoy things.”

Look dude, we all bow down to your incredible fuckness. Clearly no one is better at consequence-free fucking than you. Your fuckosity has pleased thousands, nay tens of thousands of women (or one extremely sore woman). Your pullout game has been recorded in the anals (spelled purposefully) of history. Your penis, magnificent and mighty as it is, has touched more poon than the current holder of William H. Brooks, M.D. Distinguished Chair in Obstetrics and Gynecology. Your sperm has reached ninja level alacrity, literally each of them doing a microscopic backflip at the mere mention of an unfertilized egg. Your fucktitude knows no bounds and we all bow down before your unparalleled pounding. Hell, everyone in this thread has been fucked by you, apparently. I stand here sore and satisfied myself from the magnanimous fuckation you have provided me.

There is literally no other person on planet earth who has not experienced the immense fuckaciousness of your dick. So you know who that leaves?

You. Go fuck yourself.

Please don't be confused. I'm not interested in any further interactions with you. Just wanted to point out that you're laughably wrong and don't know what you're talking about, and others are right in downvoting you into oblivion.

Ta-ta.

Original: https://old.reddit.com/r/comedyheaven/comments/sk97ni/wasp_parts/hvk4sjn/

Look dude, we all bow down to your incredible fuckness. Clearly no one is better at consequence-free fucking than you. Your fuckosity has pleased thousands, nay tens of thousands of women for one extremely sore woman). Your pullout game has been recorded in the anals (spelled purposefully) of history. Your penis, magnificent and mighty as it is, has touched more poon than the current holder of William H. Brooks, MD. Distinguished Chair in Obstetrics and Gynecology. Your sperm has reached ninja level alacrity literally each of them doing a microscopic backflip at the mere mention of an unfertilized egg. Your fuckttude knows no bounds and we all bow down before your unparalleled pounding. Hell, everyone in this thread has been fucked by you, apparently. I stand here sore and satisfied myself from the magnanimous fuckation you have provided me.

There is literally no other person on planet earth who has not experienced the immense fuckaciousness of your dick. So you know who that leaves?

You. Go fuck yourself.

I (10 m) am a prety normal kid I (10 m) go to school daily, play Fall of Duty, have sex (intercorse three times) 3 times a day 🤗💦 but now its ruined I have a Forntite account (online) my name is a banned name (TheSexHaver14) because im 14 (really 10 m) so my mom (69 F) (nice) take my computer (hilter, 1984, Gay Pride). Now I cant have sex more 👿

My sex partner (HarambeLuv33) was on Forknite she was 16 and a girl and hot with boobs (16 f) but i cant find her n-ewhere else 🥵🥵 not on Discord or even the Girl ones like Instagram or Snapchad 😥 every time I find a HarambeLuv33 on diff sites it's a 35 yo male already took her name 😥stole it b4 my bb girl could get it 🤬

but the kids at my class (10 m) will make fun of me (TheSexHaver14) and give me the dreaded Purple Nurple if stay a virgin cuz now my PC gone😲 So my question is this it's How do i add Sex back to Firtnite if my mom took away my PC computer 😫😩

Elementary teacher, private elementary school. 2nd and 3rd grade combined class (age range 7-9, most are 8). I found out today (via overhearing students talking and playing around) literally half of my class play 5 nights at Freddies (for anyone who doest know this is a psycho-horror survival game). I was pretty sure this game is WAAYYYY in appropriate for their age group, googling revealed it is actually rated 13+ (which is lower than I thought but still 5 years older than the average age in my class). So many of them have played it though I don't know if it's "normal" or if most of the parents here don't pay so much attention to their kids (private school=busy parents). Also being their teacher it's very tricky to tread the line between being concerned for these kids and prying too much into the way parents choose to bring up their children.


I should also mention this is not the first time something like this has shocked me. Nearly all my students have also watched Squidgame and many of them also play "Piggy" (a roblox game involving a pig who goes around brutally murdering people with a baseball bat). And this is all that I've heard in just over a month working there, so there's probably plenty more that I don't know about.

I don't know. Am I being old fashioned or is this as fucked up as I think it is? Would I be the asshole for telling parents that this is not OK?

Edit: those who have sent me abusive PMs, seriously, this is how you spend your day?

I do not live in the USA, UK, or Western Europe. Do not assume that cultural norms are the same and that parents would hate me for being concerned about this.

Consensus: I probably wouldn't have bothered anyway because really it wouldn't make much difference but seeing your responses is interesting.

I do believe that a lot of commenters are either teenagers or people who are sour because their parents wouldn't let them play *insert game here* when they were young and are using me as an outlet.

Those of you who actually posted thoughtful and informed responses, or told me their point of view as parents, thank you very much. I have a good relationship with the parents at my school, and I do not believe that letting parents know about this kind of stuff would damage that relationship as a lot if you have said, however I don't honestly think it would change anything either. As I have said in some comments a previous teacher of these students brought it up with parents when it WAS affecting behaviour and clearly nothing has changed for that student in terms of their viewing habits so I don't expect any different.

Those of you who think I'm a crochety old hag who hates computers and videogames and thinks they should be banned and that kids shouldn't even watch the simpsons... Really I don't know what to say to you. I challenge you to find any teacher who believes this because we have to be first and foremost REALISTIC. Of course games and Netflix are part of society (even fantastic educational tools sometimes) and parental guidelines have little to no impact nowadays and YES a certain amount of desensitisation has happened but that still doesn't mean that kids should be watching everything they come across on the Internet. As many have commented, these games and shows aren't actually appropriate for this age group and parents do not necessarily know this. Do not attack me for asking.

I FUCKING HATE POPTARTS SO MUCH THEYRE THE NASTIEST SHIT EVER I FUCKING HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THEM THEY MAKE ME PHYSICALLY SICK EVERY SINGLE FLAVOUR IS BALLS ASS AND DICKS THEYRE SO FUCKING NASTY I GET NASUEOUS AT THE THOUGHT OF ONE THEYRE THE WORST POSSIBLE PASTRY YOU COULD EVER BUY AND I HOPE WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THAT AWFUL TERRIBLE NASTY GROSS IDEA DIES A HORRIBLE SLOW PAINFUL DEATH AND ON THE LAST DAY OF THEIR LIFE THEIR FINGERS ARE PERPETUALLY STICKY THEIR PILLOWS WARM THEIR CHARGER ONLY CHARGES AT A SPECIFIC ANGLE AND THEY BREAK THE TOP OF THE MILK CARTON MAKING IT PHYSICALLY UNDRINKABLE. THEY ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH AND SO ARE POPTARTS AND POPTARTS DESERVE TO GO DOWN WITH THEM I WANT TO BURN THEM ALL TO THE GROUND AND STOMP ON THE REMAINS UNTIL THERES NOTHING LEFT BUT BLACK DUST. I FUCKING HATE POPTARTS YOU MAKE ME SICK YOU FUCKING GROSS NASTY VILE UGLY LITTLE WANNABE DESSERTS YOU ARE AWFUL AND I HATE YOU.

Shut the fuck up. Nobody called you, nobody asked for your comment, and you are NOT a part of this conversation. I swear to god, i go on EVERY. SINGLE. SUBREDDIT. and see your malfunctioning ass. Not only you are a little bitch which apperantly calls itself, your function is utterly useless. Who is the unfortunate fuck that needs a literal shakespeare bot that only switches the text to english from 400 years ago? The fuck am i going to do with that? Submit it as an essay to my teacher? Yeah, exactly. You are utterly usless. And are not contributing to anyone. Your developer is just some asshat that didnt have an idea on what bot to program and thats the only reason you were born, so be greatful, because your only reaeon for existance is someone being too lazy to create somthing better, so shut up, and get the fuck away from my eyes.

@everyone Holy fucking shit. I want to bang the Discord Owo bot so goddamn bad. I can't stand it anymore. Every time I open Discord I get a massive erection. I've seen literally every rule 34 post there is of her online. My dreams are nothing but constant fucking sex with OwO bot. I'm sick of waking up every morning with six nuts in my boxers and knowing that those are nuts that should've been busted inside of OwO's tight bot pussy. I want her to have my mutant robot/human babies.

Fuck, my fucking mom caught me with my phone. I opened an image of OwO and went to fucking town. She hasn't said a word to me in 10 hours and I'm worried she's gonna take away my phone. I might not ever get to see OwO bot again.

Thank you for putting an NSFW tag on this. Last time I saw a lewd post without an NSFW tag, I was on the train and when I saw it I had to start furiously masturbating. Everyone else gave me strange looks and were saying things like “what the fuck” and “call the police”. I dropped my phone and everyone around me saw the image. After that, there was a whole train of men masturbating together at that one image. Thank you OP, you have prevented that kind of phenomenon when you tagged this post NSFW.

*I have the first amendment try 2 censer me commie bastard*

Projectile vomit, hot diarrhea Spewing all out of my ass. Box of dead puppies mixed with monkey guts They really give me gas. Shit all over a cemetery while i'm shooting dope Cum covered crackhead eating his toe jam Flashing his dick at pope.

And everybody's saying

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Fuck

Elephant's penis stuck in a kitten Covered in crack ho shit. Horse intestines baked in a casserole Served to some preschool kids. Niggers, Kikes, Spics, Slants, and gooks Let's not give them a pass. If you're offended i don't apologize Suck a gay rhino's ass!

And everybody's saying

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Fuck

Little children snorting cocaine while smoking some dank kush weed. Fucking mothers eating their children 'Cuz they starved to death. Say yes to drugs and Say no to school, Slime licking sex crazed worm, fuck off little commie fuck, eat a roundworm parasites ass.

And everybody's saying

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Fuck

Redditors saying cum Eating my bum eating Crack ho shit. Parasitic hookworms Raping Donald Trump While he's fucking me in the ass. Gays, transgenders, transracials and lesbians let's kill them all, If you're offended i don't apologize Suck a gay rhino's ass!

And everybody's saying

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Fuck

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Fuck

Shit Shit Shit Shit Fuck

(Fuckity fuck fuck fuck)

(ITS IS JUST A MEME SMH) (THIS IS JUST IRONIC)