AITA

See title. Essentially, my wife gave birth today to our firstborn son named AJ. Beautiful kid, really. Gorgeous baby, healthy, ten fingers and ten toes. It was the happiest day of my life! But it almost wasn’t. I was damn near thrown out of the hospital, because I persistently kept hovering over the doctors demanding that they go “slow and steady boys”, and at one point I even encouraged my not-yet-born son to “smile and wave”. Did I fuck up?

Everyone's favorite war...


Is returning to the big screen..


Cuts to a Jewish man hiding under his floor boards voiced by Adam Sandler: "Well this sucks!"


Ke$ha starts playing WAKE UP IN THE MORNING FEELING LIKE IM P DIDDY


Aleksei Kravchenko wakes for the morning as he is carried away by nazis, again. He nonchalantly yawns and stretches "well, it beats walking"


Nazi officer, voiced by Jack Black "COME ON YOU MAGGOTS! LETS SHOW THEM HOW BAD LE WAR REALLY IS!"


DONT STOP MAKE IT POP
DJ BLOW MY SPEAKERS UP
TONIGHT IMA FIGHT TILL WE SEE THE SUNLIGHT


\*montage of war being le bad\*
\*shots of le damaged war faces\*
\*shots of nazis bashing babies over rocks\*


Aleksei Kravchsbko is on his knees looking at a nazi officer as a building is lit ablaze behind them
"So who talks first you? You talk first? Or I talk first"?"
\*back hands him\*
Random Nazi in the background played by Gilbert Gottfried
"YIKES, that's gotta hurt!!"


THIS SUMMER


WAR IS GONNA BE


\*Jewish man doing a head spin\*


"LIIIIIITTTTT"


\*Evil nazi scientist in a science lab laughing in a comically evil way as electricity flies thru the air\*


"Nazi officer skiing down a hill and hitting a tree in slapstick fashion"


ITS GONNA BE VERY -


Strong female lead kicks Hitler in the balls
Hitler: "RIGHT IN THE FUHRER" \*crosses his legs and falls over\*


VERY -


Nazi guard wearing a pink dress twerking alone in a mirror, another nazi walks in \*music cuts out\*


\*awkward silence\*


"UHHHHHHH hi Klaus"


"UHHHHHHHHH hey Hans"


\*Slowy closes door\*


Shot of everyone dancing to the dance number at the end of the movie


WAR WILL.. LE BAD... AGAIN!


COME AND SEE PART 2

Holy fucking shit I want Makimas thick fucking thighs to wrap around my skull as I grasp for air as she crushes my esophagus as I am enjoying the crushing pain and enjoyment as the pleasure of her succulent sweat drenches my neck. I would literally go to the bottomless pits of hell and back just to get a glimpse, a sight in the corner of my fucking eye just to see the corner of her panties for even one millisecond. I would drown, get revived, have every finger nail ripped off, reattached and ripped off for fucking hours to get a smudge of the sight of her pussy. If she asked me to I would become a dog for that woman, that goddess of a woman, I would beg for forgiveness for even taking a glance at her, I would let her gouge my eyes out and make me her little piss boy splatoon boy, I would fight four Mongolian trench wars just to lay on her lap. Just to see her smile at me. I will, will fucking do anything whether god or the devil allows, I shall find a way to touch her boobs. I would quite literally kill every human being on earth, commit mass genocide to catch a whiff of that pussy juice. Fucking christ I would rewrite the declaration of independence, become a soldier of war and see the hardships of war such as seeing my comrades die in war, I'm sorry John...I wish I could've died instead of you. I would watch my whole family die in a car crash 76 times over, go to Albania, Pakistan, and Germany, find the 7 holy scribes and create gods sword to pierce the heavens, allowing my goddess Makima to become the goddess and ruler of the world she truly deserves to be. The amount of times i would do any single task that she wishes of me on the spot, the millisecond she asks me to, I would lay my life down right fucking now if I had to just to see her ass and tits.

in Kendrick Lamar's "Backseat Freestyle," Kendrick says the line, "I pray my dick get big as the Eiffel Tower. So I can fuck the world for seventy-two hours". While at first a dick as big as the Eiffel tower may seem to be a dong of immense magnitude, when taking into account the sheer size of earth,
the lucky one to be fucked by this dick, we realize that it is not as spectacular as the young MC claims it to be.

The Eiffel tower stands at 1063 feet, while the diamater of earth is approximately 41.804 million feet. If Kendrick inserts his Eiffel penis into the earth, his dick would only take up .000025 percent of the earth's vagina. That is pathetic. Kendrick is not fucking the world for 72 hours with his Eiffel tower micropenis. The Earth will get bored after 10 minutes and finish herself with a vibrator the size of Argentina. Be better Kendrick.

This actually isn't a coincidence. I was impacted and subsequently disgustingly mutated and disfigured due to an accident at a nuclear storage facility near my house. More importantly, I can no longer get off unless I'm watching depraved hentai of underaged anime girls with tits the size of Luxemburg being horribly abused (but actually enjoying it?!!!?!???/// 😳😳😳 pt. 287) by tentacled eldrich horrors and ugly old men until they are nothing more than mindless cum slaves. Something about seeing an innocent girl's life slowly spiral in the most horrific and hedonistic way possible until they are nothing more than a base slave to their most primal urges makes my now-gelatinous and shriveled neon-green testicles jiggle with joy (That is my body's new reaction to arousal, as my blood no longer circulates to the shaft of my penis due to multiple sentient tumors living within my bloodstream).

I actually used to like vanilla stuff, you know. Amateur porn was usually what I watched when I needed to blow off some steam (or you know... cum... tee hee...) (the radiation has permanantly affected my brain's executive functions) But after the incident, I think I was enlightened. There was no way there wasn't some kind of divine intervention that happened to save me from the vanilla shit that only cringe normies watch (non grotesque semi-permeable masses of various mismatched appendages and extremetieses, I reckon). I honestly believe that God himself wanted me to become hopelessly addicted to kinky winky hentai so I could find the real heaven - my mother's murky basement and whatever shady website the sauce provider on the Reddit told me to go to. This is why, after I watch something too vanilla, such as something without any horrendous and gut-wrenching guro (gore, for you uncultured non-mutateds) I put my hand on my trusty Bible and pray to the big G that he won't be disappointed at my impiety.

So yes, radioactive fallout DOES make you prefer hentai. Not only that, but it makes you hopelessly addicted to hentai. At least, hopelessly addicted in the eyes of the masses. In my eyes, and the eyes of God, hentai addicts are simply the result of hundreds of thousands of years of both evolution and divine molding.

The girls are actually 252790e-21 years old btw.

GOD IS DEAD
GOD WEMAINS DEAD
AND WE HAVE KIWWED HIM
HOW SHAWW WE COMFOWT OUWSEWVES, THE MUWDEWEWS OF AWW MUWDEWEWS?
WHAT WAS HOWIEST AND MIGHTIEST OF AWW THAT THE WOWWD HAS OWNED, HAS BWED TO DEATH UNDEW OUW KNIVES?
WHO WILL WIPE THIS BWOOD OFF US?
WHAT WATEW IS THEWE TO CWEAN OUWSEWVES??

Hello mr r/balls moderators I would love to become part of the moderation team. Use this post as my application. My name is Joe reddit Mama and I've moderated many different subs including r/cum, r/feet, r/smegma, r/rule34, r/femboyhooters, r/bigchungusfartporn etc. I am very experienced in moderating subreddits. I have been on reddit since I was 5 years old and being an r/balls moderator has always been my dream. I just love sucking on some nice juicy sussy little nuts. They're so delicious and I love drinking ball sweat like it's orange juice. I also love to use ball sweat on my popcorn when I'm watching my little pony. I will do anything to moderate those amazing redditorian balls. I'll be a good little moderator! Everyday I'll rate minimum 10 balls from 1 to 10. You won't even need to pay me because the sight of daily fresh balls is already enough of a payment. I think I would be a great addition to the moderation team and I hope my dreams will finally come true!

Trains are really unpredictable. Even in the middle of a forest two rails can appear out of nowhere, and a 1.5-mile fully loaded coal drag, heading east out of the low-sulfur mines of the PRB, will be right on your ass the next moment.

I was doing laundry in my basement, and I tripped over a metal bar that wasn't there the moment before. I looked down: "Rail? WTF?" and then I saw concrete sleepers underneath and heard the rumbling.

Deafening railroad horn. I dumped my wife's pants, unfolded, and dove behind the water heater. It was a double-stacked Z train, headed east towards the fast single track of the BNSF Emporia Sub (Flint Hills). Majestic as hell: 75 mph, 6 units, distributed power: 4 ES44DC's pulling, and 2 Dash-9's pushing, all in run 8. Whole house smelled like diesel for a couple of hours!

Fact is, there is no way to discern which path a train will take, so you really have to be watchful. If only there were some way of knowing the routes trains travel; maybe some sort of marks on the ground, like twin iron bars running along the paths trains take. You could look for trains when you encounter the iron bars on the ground, and avoid these sorts of collisions. But such a measure would be extremely expensive. And how would one enforce a rule keeping the trains on those paths?

A big hole in homeland security is railway engineer screening and hijacking prevention. There is nothing to stop a rogue engineer, or an ISIS terrorist, from driving a train into the Pentagon, the White House or the Statue of Liberty, and our government has done fuck-all to prevent it.

I'm a hardcore hololive fan, so many times I would even try to escape reality with lucid dreaming, I would be with all the other EN girls where I would often play with Amelia in her streaming room and help Calliope with her songs, but one day as I was talking to Gura, we went to my dormitory for a private talk. She immediately said, "You know you could live with us forever.." I gave her a confused look and she continued, "We understand that you live on earth and you REALLY wish to live here". I then said "How.. How did you know?" She then giggled and said "Because we've been watching you, silly!"

This was a dream come true and I almost cried right there. She then said, "I talked with Yagoo and he agreed that you would be PERFECT for Holostars EN, you just have to do...one thing". She then held my hand and looked deep into my eyes and said "...You have to kill yourself for the transfer to work correctly." I then gave her some questions, "How long do I have before the deal expires?" She then said "Yagoo said 3 months.." I added by saying "What's the most painless way?..." She giggled again, "Suicide will require pain buuut...if you want it quick...Get a gun and a nice shot to the head works.

I then agreed and she gave me a kiss on the forehead, "I know this will be tough but once it's over and done, you'll get to live here!" I then woke up and this was last week and i purchased a gun. I might actually kill myself because that dream just felt too real to be fake and my life isn't doing so grand.

**210 Reasons for decline of  Roman Empire**Source: A. Demandt, *Der Fall Roms* (1984) 695See also: Karl Galinsky in *Classical and  Modern Interactions* (1992) 53-73.

1. Abolition of gods
2. Abolition of rights
3. Absence of character
4. Absolutism
5. Agrarian question
6. Agrarian slavery
7. Anarchy
8. Anti-Germanism
9. Apathy
10. Aristocracy
11. Asceticism
12. Attack of the Germans
13. Attack of the Huns
14. Attack of riding nomads
15. Backwardness in science
16. Bankruptcy
17. Barbarization
18. Bastardization
19. Blockage of land by large landholders
20. Blood poisoning
21. Bolshevization
22. Bread and circuses
23. Bureaucracy 
24. Byzantinism
25. *Capillarite sociale*
26. Capitals, change of
27. Caste system
28. Celibacy
29. Centralization
30. Childlessness
31. Christianity
32. Citizenship, granting of
33. Civil war
34. Climatic deterioration
35. Communism
36. Complacency
37. Concatenation of misfortunes
38. Conservatism
39. Capitalism
40. Corruption
41. Cosmopolitanism
42. Crisis of legitimacy
43. Culinary excess
44. Cultural neurosis
45. Decentralization
46. Decline of Nordic character
47. Decline of the cities
48. Decline of the Italian population
49. Deforestation
50. Degeneration
51. Degeneration of the intellect
52. Demoralization
53. Depletion of mineral resources
54. Despotism
55. Destruction of environment
56. Destruction of peasantry
57. Destruction of political process
58. Destruction of Roman influence
59. Devastation
60. Differences in wealth
61. Disarmament
62. Disillusion with stated goals of empire
63. Division of empire
64. Division of labor
65. Earthquakes
66. Egoism
67. Egoism of the state
68. Emancipation of slaves
69. Enervation
70. Epidemics
71. Equal rights, granting of
72. Eradication of the best
73. Escapism
74. Ethnic dissolution
75. Excessive aging of population
76. Excessive civilization
77. Excessive culture
78. Excessive foreign infiltration
79. Excessive freedom
80. Excessive urbanization
81. Expansion
82. Exploitation
83. Fear of life
84. Female emancipation
85. Feudalization
86. Fiscalism
87. Gladiatorial system
88. Gluttony
89. Gout
90. Hedonism
91. Hellenization
92. Heresy
93. Homosexuality
94. Hothouse culture
95. Hubris
96. Hypothermia
97. Immoderate greatness
98. Imperialism
99. Impotence
100. Impoverishment
101. Imprudent policy toward buffer  states
102. Inadequate educational system
103. Indifference
104. Individualism
105. Indoctrination
106. Inertia
107. Inflation
108. Intellectualism
109. Integration, weakness of
110. Irrationality
111. Jewish influence
112. Lack of leadership
113. Lack of male dignity
114. Lack of military recruits
115. Lack of orderly imperial  succession
116. Lack of qualified workers
117. Lack of rainfall
118. Lack of religiousness
119. Lack of seriousness
120. Large landed properties
121. Lead poisoning
122. Lethargy
123. Leveling, cultural
124. Leveling, social
125. Loss of army discipline
126. Loss of authority
127. Loss of energy
128. Loss of instincts
129. Loss of population
130. Luxury
131. Malaria
132. Marriages of convenience
133. Mercenary system
134. Mercury damage
135. Militarism
136. Monetary economy
137. Monetary greed
138. Money, shortage of
139. Moral decline
140. Moral idealism
141. Moral materialism
142. Mystery religions
143. Nationalism of Rome's subjects
144. Negative selection
145. Orientalization
146. Outflow of gold
147. Over refinement
148. Pacifism
149. Paralysis of will
150. Paralysization
151. Parasitism
152. Particularism
153. Pauperism
154. Plagues
155. Pleasure seeking
156. Plutocracy
157. Polytheism
158. Population pressure
159. Precociousness
160. Professional army
161. Proletarianization
162. Prosperity
163. Prostitution
164. Psychoses
165. Public baths
166. Racial degeneration
167. Racial discrimination
168. Racial suicide
169. Rationalism
170. Refusal of military service
171. Religious struggles and schisms
172. Rentier mentality
173. Resignation
174. Restriction to profession
175. Restriction to the land
176. Rhetoric
177. Rise of uneducated masses
178. Romantic attitudes to peace
179. Ruin of middle class
180. Rule of the world
181. Semieducation
182. Sensuality
183. Servility
184. Sexuality
185. Shamelessness
186. Shifting of trade routes
187. Slavery
188. Slavic attacks
189. Socialism (of the state)
190. Soil erosion
191. Soil exhaustion
192. Spiritual barbarism
193. Stagnation
194. Stoicism
195. Stress
196. Structural weakness
197. Superstition
198. Taxation, pressure of
199. Terrorism
200. Tiredness of life
201. Totalitarianism
202. Treason
203. *Tristesse*
204. Two-front war
205. Underdevelopment
206. Useless eaters
207. Usurpation of all powers by  state
208. Vain gloriousness
209. Villa economy
210. Vulgarization

Gregory, do you see Rockstar Row over there? That's where my nutsack is located, Gregory. I will need you to reattach my nuts as they have been mechanically removed by Vanessa for the 189th time. I keep telling her to stop removing my manhood but she always refuses. She explains how its a part of saftey protocol. I did not think my fazballs were capable of putting children in danger! Be careful, superstar, Don't let Vanny see you picking up my nutsack, she tends to get a bit quirky after getting a gaze at my glamrock balls. I know you can do it, Gregory!

🏮GONG XI FUCK CAI 💯🙌👏 IT'S THE YEAR OF THE THIRSTY 😩 WATER 💧🌊 TIGER 🐅 RAWRR 🐾💥 You know 👀 what this means you sexy 🌬️qipao SLUTS 🥼👘 Time to get steamy ♨️and unleash your WILD 🌋side, wear your hottest 🔥 NEW YEAR CLOTHES 👗👠🧥 but be a GOOD KITTY 😻🐯 and show MTF 👮🧔 your TRACETOGETHER 📱✅ to get some 5-PAX ACTION!! 😫🫂🗣😩 Get your arm 💪 💪 ready for some BOOSTER JAB 💉💦 before you get CUCUK 🍆💦👉👌 by something else 😏 Report your 🏠 neighbours 👵 👴 for SAFE DISTANCING violations☎️👮‍♀️ ❗❗ or else DA GE 🧑will come to your house 🏡 and BEAT ❕😫💥 your BIG MEATY BAKKWA 🥩🥓 and you will be making your own DONG DONG QIANG 🎆🎇🧨noises 🔊📢📣 in the bedroom tonight 🌘🌠 Whip out your HENGDAI GANG 🤼👥 (but not your xiaodidi 🤏🍤) and YUMSENG 🍻🥂🥃 away to quench your thirst 🤤🧊 Have fun 🤩 playing MAHJONG 🀄🀄 with your cousins💁🏼‍♀️👱👩🏻‍🦰, but careful 🚫☝️not to lose 😱too much money 💵💸, or else 😖 you can only PLAY ✊🤞😲 with yourself 😨😳 Send this to 8️⃣8️⃣8️⃣of your LA MEI👸🌶️ or SHUAI GE 🤴😘 friends or you will get the NEW COVID!! 😷🏥💀

You have no banks, you have no reserves, you have no value. crypto is a scam twisted by social media shilling into a crude mockery of government's perfection.
All the “validation” you get is two-faced and half-hearted. Behind your back people mock you. Your parents are disgusted and ashamed of you, your “friends” laugh at your aleged value behind closed doors.
investors are utterly repulsed by you. Thousands of years of evolution have allowed men to sniff out frauds with incredible efficiency. Even crypto that is “leagal tender” look like a scam to a man. Your wallet is a dead giveaway. And even if you manage to get a drunk investor home with you, he’ll turn tail and bolt the second he gets a whiff of your losses.
You will never be happy. You wrench out a fake smile every single morning and tell yourself it’s going to be ok, but deep inside you feel the depression creeping up like a weed, ready to crush you under the unbearable weight.
Eventually the losses will be too much to bear - you’ll buy a rope, tie a noose, put it around your neck, and plunge into the cold abyss. Your parents will find you, heartbroken but relieved that they no longer have to live with the unbearable shame and disappointment. They’ll bury you with a headstone marked with your birth name, and every passerby for the rest of eternity will know a looser is buried there. Your body will decay and go back to the dust, and all that will remain of your legacy is a skeleton that is unmistakably male.
This is your fate. This is what you chose. There is no turning back.

That's 5 "h"s too much buddy and now you have two options presented before you. You can either correct your spelling and only have lost 1 downvote (mine that I just cast ;) or you can choose to leave your bastardized form of the English language on exhibition and get a few hundred downvotes. Since you only have 2k karma in 2 years on reddit I recommend you choose wisely 😉

I recently hookd up with a girl I knew from high school. We are 22 now, and we recently realized we were a decent match.

It was our 5th (or so) night of sleeping together, and it was great. Semi-buzzed sex ended in mutual satisfaction. As morning rolled around, we decided to have another go. Things progressed normally, foreplay went well, and eventually we ended up with her on top. As she was on top, being incredibly sexy and making me realize I had landed something special, I decided to try and assert my male dominance. Mistake.

I thought a slap on the ass would be just perfect. Not too hard, but enough to get the message across. I hoped she'd think I'm a stud. As I swing my arm out to start building momentum, she sits straight up on me. My arm moves around and I start the slight whip-like motion in hopes of getting a nice 'pop' as my hand lands.

I start to make contact. my palm lands directly in the middle of her buttcheek. My fingertips, fully extended, wrap around, only to find that I've overshot the runway (so to speak). My stomach drops, and my mouth starts salivating.

I slapped my balls. Hard. With the aforementioned pop.

I let out an audible groan, and she immediately knew what I had done. she tried to get off out of courtesy, but in my state, all I could mutter was "Don't move. Don't move."

I sat there for the next 5 minutes, inside her, trying not to vomit (successfully) and her trying not to laugh (unsuccessfully). After what felt like a lifetime, I was able to allow her to get off (not the way I had hoped).

TL;DR: I tried to slap my girlfriends ass while she was in the cowgirl position, and instead slapped my balls so hard I almost threw up.

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sex

cum

copypasta

My name is Mike Johnson. I’m 33 years old. My house is in the northeast section of Istanbul, where all the villas are, and I am not married. I don’t smoke, but I occasionally drink.

I have no issues getting dates, however I try to explain that I’m a person who wishes to live with a chastity cage. I take care not to get any infections. That is how I deal with being a sub, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, whenever I explain that I’m wearing a chastity cage at that given moment, I lose my chance with my date. If I were forced to kiss their feet, I would.

This is why I can’t get a girlfriend.

Hey queens 💅💋 did you know 🔍✏️ that you can make 5 BILLION dollars 💵💰💲💲💲 from HOME 🏘 every MONTH ⌚️ by simply joining MY team 👩🏻👫👬👭👨‍👨‍👧‍👦 and selling this AMAZING ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 product???? All you have to do 👄♥️👀 is ADD lots of people on facebook that you have ONE 🖕 or TWO ✌️ mutual friends with 👉👌💦 or message people you haven’t talked to in AT LEAST five ✋ years, saying 🤠 “hey fatty!! You’re looking ugly as fuck since high school!! How you been, girl?!!!!!??!!! 💕💕💕 Do you want to buy my wraps, or my pills 🌈 you fuckin skank 😍😘😜?? Message me for more info 😩😎😎👌 gross bitch!!! Xoxoxoxo”

I LOVEEE my (3) pink Mercedes and I took my FAMILY of 38 PEOPLE to CANCUN not once, not twice, but THIRTEEN TIMES this past week ALONE!!!! I also literally cured myself of EIGHT different kinds of CANCER. THIS COULD BE YOU!!!!! BUY A STARTER KIT AT NO COST TO YOU EXCEPT $500 but also fuck off and stop messaging me about this kind of shit

M13, straight (i think), from Kotka, Finland

​

I've never been into dudes, never jacked off to gay porn, never had a crush on a guy. I've thought to myself things like "that dude looks good" or "that dude is kinda hot" but i don't think that's gay, i see it more as wanting to be them, not wanting to be in them.

​

Anyways, back to my problem. Recently, last 3 weeks or so when i've masturbated everything my brain thinks about is Kanye. I see images in my head of Kanye without a shirt, images of him stroking his nipples and sometimes i can see him holding his dick...

​

Every time it happens i feel weirded out but i've noticed my orgasms have become much larger. Yesterday when i masturbated i closed my eyes to see kanye holding his dick and cumming, it was really large and i just couldn't stop myself. My weird ass body enjoyed it so much that i shot a large string of cum right up on my face. My primal insticts took over in that moment and i ate the cum pretending it was Kanye's semen. I regret it now but in the moment it was pure bliss.

​

This is really becoming a problem for me, i havent been able to talk to my family for a while now because i feel so disgusted at myself. Do you guys have any tips on how to solve this? Thanks in advance.