Fuck you. You useless piece of shit. You absolute waste of space and air. You uneducated, ignorant, idiotic dumb swine, you’re an absolute embarrassment to humanity and all life as a whole. The magnitude of your failure just now is so indescribably massive that one hundred years into the future your name will be used as moniker of evil for heretics. Even if all of humanity put together their collective intelligence there is no conceivable way they could have thought up a way to fuck up on the unimaginable scale you just did. When Jesus died for our sins, he must not have seen the sacrilegious act we just witnessed you performing, because if he did he would have forsaken humanity long ago so that your birth may have never become reality. After you die, your skeleton will be displayed in a museum after being scientifically researched so that all future generations may learn not to generate your bone structure, because every tiny detail anyone may have in common with you degrades them to a useless piece of trash and a burden to society. No wonder your father questioned whether or not your were truly his son, for you'd have to not be a waste of carbon matter for anyone to love you like a family member. Your birth made it so that mankind is worse of in every way you can possibly imagine, and you have made it so that society can never really recover into a state of organization. Everything has forever fallen into a bewildering chaos, through which unrecognizable core, you can only find misfortune. I would say the apocalypse is upon us but this is merely the closest word humans have for the sheer scale of horror that is now reality. You have forever condemned everyone you love and know into an eternal state of suffering, worse than any human concept of hell. You are such an unholy being, that if you step within a one hundred foot radius of a holy place or a place that has ever been deemed important by anyone, your distorted sac religious soul will ruin whatever meaning it ever had beyond repair. You are an idiotic, shiteating, dumbass ape and no one has ever loved you. Rhodes Island would have been better off if you'd never joined us. You are a lying, backstabbing, cowardly useless piece of shit and I hate you with every single part of my being. Even this worlds finest writers and poets from throughout the ages could never hope to accurately describe the scale on which you just fucked up, and how incredibly idiotic you are. Anyone that believes in any religion out there should now realize that they have been wrong this entire time, for if divine beings were real, they would never have allowed a being such as you to stain the earth and this universe. In the future there will be horror stories made about you, with the scariest part of them being that the reader has to realize that such an indescribable monster actually exists, and that the horrific events from the movie have actually taken place in the same world that they live in right now. You are the absolute embodiment of everything that has ever been wrong on this earth, yet you manage to make it so that that is only a small part of the evil that is your being. Never in the history of mankind has there been anyone that could have predicted such an eldrich abomination, but here you are. It’s hard to believe that I am seeing such an incredible failure with my own eyes, but here I am, so unfortunately I cannot deny your existence. Even if I did my very best, my vocabulary is not able to describe the sheer magnitude of the idiotic mistake that is you. Even if time travel some day will be invented, there still would not be a single soul willing to go back in time to before this moment to fix history, because having to witness such incredible horrors if they failed would have to many mental and physical drawbacks that not even the bravest soul in history would be willing to risk it. I cannot imagine the pure dread your mother must have felt when she had to carry a baby for nine months and then giving birth to such a wretched monster as you. Not a single word of the incoherent, illogical rambling you may be wanting to do to defend yourself or apologize would ever be able to make up for what you just did. The countries of the world would have wanted to make laws preventing such a terrible event like this from ever happening again, but sadly this is not possible since your horrific actions just now have shattered every form of order this world once had, making concepts such as laws irrelevant. Right from the moment I first set my eyes on you I knew you were an absolute abomination of everything that is wrong with humanity. I was hoping I would have been able to prevent your evil from being released upon this world by tagging along and keeping my eye on you, but it is clear to me now that not even the greatest efforts would have been able to prevent a terrible event in this scale from occurring. You are the worst human being, or even just being in general, that I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing. Events like the infected plague apparently only happened with the goal of teaching humanity to survive such a horrible event as the one you just created, but not even mankind’s greatest trials were able to even slightly prepare anyone for the insufferable evil you have just created. If you ever had them, your children would be preemptively killed to protect this universe from the possibility of anyone in your bloodline being even half as bad as you are, except you will never be able to have children, because not a single human being will ever want to come within a hundred mile radius of you and anything you have ever touched. You are a colossal disappointment not only to your parents, but to your ancestors and entire bloodline. The disgusting mistake that you have just made is so incredibly terrible that everyone who would ever be to hear about it would spontaneously feel an indescribable mixture of immense anger, fear and anxiety that emotionally and physically they would never truly be the same ever again. The sheer scale of your mistake, if ever to be materialized, would not only surpass the size of the world, but it would reach far beyond the edges of the known, and almost certainly the unknown universe. I could sit here and write paragraphs, nay, books describing your immense failure, yet even if I were to dedicate my life to describing the reality of what has just gone down here, and I would spend every moment of it until my heart stops beating working as hard and efficiently as possible, yet there is not even a snowballs chance in hell that I would be able to come close to transcribing the absolute shitshow you have just released upon the world. You are an irresponsible, idiotic, disgusting, unloved, horrible excuse for a living being who’s soul contains less humanity than every ginger in history combined. The absolute disgust I feel when thinking about anything that has even a slight resemblance to anything that might have to do with you and your unholy actions is so incredibly great that when I am honest about it I think that even I do not posses a consciousness great enough to comprehend my own feelings about it. When people of Columbia fought to break free from Lungmen, countless soldiers fought and lost their lives in favor of a chance at a better future for their children, they did not give their lives to have you fuck the world up beyond repair to the degree that you are doing right now. Honestly, even when technology advances and studies on the subject become more and more accurate, I do not think humanity will ever truly be able to understand what your failure actually means for the universe. My hate for you and everything you stand for is so much deeper than the depths of Shambala that you could probably take the entire Lungmen population down there and back up around twenty million times before you would have sunk to the end of my hate, and honestly, I do not want to exaggerate, but I think that that insult was low balling it such a massive amount that all mountains in this world combined would not be able to stack up to this imprecise judgement in light of the fact that when being honest, my hate is almost certainly bottomless. There is no one in this world that has ever loved you, and especially after what you just did, no one will ever love you in the future either. There is no hope that your idiotic behavior and especially your crooked soul will ever change for the better, and in fact quite the opposite might be true. By making the mistake that you just did, you have shown me that you are so incredibly hopeless that you will only devolve into a more idiotic and wretched creature than you already are. The only possible way in which your future would be brighter than the black hole your existence currently is would exclusively be because there is absolutely no conceivable way that you would even be able to sink lower than the pathetic place your current failure has put you in.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rsp4a0

#

Okay, so my girlfriend and I have been occasionally having anal sex as we’re finding it can be very enjoyable and fun if all the prep work actually happens correctly.

Over the past 2 years we’ve slowly been trying different ways to prep for it. For awhile it was just a small handheld water douche, we found using that once or twice before having sex gave us almost no issues most of the time. Unfortunately though, sometimes this method wasn’t fool proof and after some good lengthy bump’n my dick didn’t have a clean pull out.

So that being said, we looked online to essentially find ways to give us the “professional porn” results you see in videos. (And honestly, I still have no idea how the hell they have such a clean anus)

Anyways, we found this shower head attachment that was basically a butt plug with 5 holes on it to allow water through (4 on the sides and 1 hole centred at the top).

So we did our usual routine with the handheld water douche to help drop some potatoes in the crock pot before we jumped in the shower. I got the attachment on and after some light rinsing my girlfriend moved into doggy position so I could use it.

This is where shit hits the fan (almost literally).

We didn’t think about if the water had to be on first or if it’s turned on after the plug was inserted (still don’t fully know to be honest). So we had the shower on and I found a nice lukewarm temperature, I squeezed out some astro glide lube and smeared it all over. I lowered the shower head plug to her slippery brown eye and went to slide it in. I proceeded with caution and went a little slow as it’s the first time using it for us. As it went in, the 4 holes on the side of the plug became naturally blocked because her chocolate pocket is very tight around. This forced all the water to use the centred hole which is halfway in aiming right down her poop chute. It turned the slow trickling water plug into a pressure washer.

She immediately let out a small shriek and I pulled it out quickly. She was okay, just very shocked. We tried again and this time to avoid blocking all the water holes I quickly shanked it into her. About 5 seconds or so passed and then I pulled it out. She drained out some water and it was all clear with nothing visibly in it.

We were pretty excited, so I grabbed the lube and we moved into the fun right then and there!

Everything seemed awesome, we were having a great time. Then I started to feel her tighten up a bit down there, usually this happens when I’m getting her close. I fought the pressure and kept going, it was like swimming against the current. Little did I know, my dick had now become what I could only describe as a plug for a sewage pipe that was ready to blow. Think of Toby Maguire in Spiderman 2 when he’s trying to stop the train. She finally can’t take it anymore and moves forward a bit so I can slide out. Immediately after I’m out, a jet stream of brown swamp-like water sprays out of her mud tunnel.

I’m absolutely shocked and can see the embarrassment on her face. I assure her that’s it’s okay, not to worry about it because we didn’t know. Luckily since we’re in the shower everything washed away very quickly and things looked good again. She caught me off guard by then offering to finish me off with a blow job. I accepted instantly.

A few minutes in, she tells me her stomach hurts and that she thinks she needs to sit on the can. I told her that can’t be true because she just finished crying a brown river. Let me just say, boy was I wrong. So she goes back to working on me and about 30 seconds later I looked down and saw a small brown water stream running towards the drain. We instantly stopped and she got up saying she has to get out. When she turned around, there was so much brown water running down her legs I yelled for her to wait so we could rinse her off first. So she turned back to face me and that’s when her ass just started spraying all over uncontrollably. She yelled for me to get out, but I couldn’t due to the layout of our bathroom, the one side of the tub is blocked in by the toilet. I shouted back “I can’t! You’re shitting all over the exit”.

I was trapped. The smell was awful. I had to stand there awkwardly spreading my legs so the swamp water could drain. I grabbed the shower head to try and help drain it faster, but the stupid butt plug attachment was still on causing the water to just slowly sprinkle out of it.

I attempted to lighten the mood by asking if her lunch at work today was good, as I could see some fried rice slowly passing under me. At this point though I think too much damage was done and we were both a little traumatized.

Not sure when we’ll attempt that kind of fun again, feels like we’ve stained the memory of enjoyable anal sex for now. Those damn porn stars make it look so easy and clean…

TL;DR I used a shower head anal douche on my girlfriend and she started spraying poop water everywhere. Horrible smell, terrible clean up and embarrassment all around.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rso6fm

WE GON' HUMP THEM.😨 WE GON' SUCK THEIR DICKS OFF🤬 WE GON' HUMP THEM.😨 WE GON' SUCK THEIR DICKS OFF🤬 IT'S ABOUT DICK😋 IT'S ABOUT PENIS😙 MEN ARE FROM MARS BUT I'M FROM VENUS 😫 PUT IT IN THE BUTT😍 SPANK EM IN THE SHOWER 😈 AND TAKE WHAT'S OURS😁 I WANT TO DRAIN THE MAIN VEIN🥰 PROSTATE MASSAGE SO INSANE😏 UNTIL YOU SCREAM 🥵 I'M SO MUTHA FUKKIN GAY 😳 (COCK!) WHEN WE GONNA FUCK THO? 🤨 MASTURBATION 🤗 EJACULATION 🙂SLANGIN LOTS OF SEMEN TO THE MASSES😖 FACE TO FACE AND NOW WE FORNICATING🤑 BUSSY ONLY WHEN I BUST IN ASSES😋 MEAT ON YA SO THICC INDEED 😏 WHEN IM PUMPING HARD 🤪 YOU'RE GONNA SCREAM MAMA😩 DON'T BRING CONDOMS😝 TO THE QUEEN BRAMA 🥺 ( THEN NUT) CUMMING ON YA WITH EXTREME MANA🤭🥴

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rsn3fy

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⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢸⣿⠗⢈⡶⣷⣿⣿⡏⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄

Message from the Chinese Communist Party Social Credit Administration Commissariat:
中国共产党社会信用管理局致辞
Attention Citizen!
注意，公民!
Your internet activity has been flagged as secessionist and subversionist against the great Chinese Communist Party
你的互联网活动被标记为反对伟大的中国共产党的分裂主义和颠覆主义
This behavior is unpatriotic and unacceptable, and as such 300 Social credit points have been deducted from your account!
这种行为是不爱国和不可接受的，因此从您的帐户中扣除了300个社会信用积分！
Do not do this again!
别再这样了!
As a reminder, you are 30 social credits away from having your rations deducted by 25%!
谨此提醒，您距离将口粮扣除25%还有30个社会学分！
You are also 200 social credits away from being issued 2 years of reeducation in the xinjiang-uyghur autonomous zone!
您距离在新疆-维吾尔自治区获得2年再教育还有200个社会学分！
Hail the Chinese Communist Party, and Long Live Comrade Xi Jinping!
向中国共产党和习近平同志万岁欢呼！

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rslub4

I’d rip that fucking bikini off and pump her full of cum hitting it from the back while my fingers were alternating between feeling her tits and nipples and in her mouth while she drooled on them then I’d shove my fingers up her ass-hole and then finger her ass then I’d take my take from her pussy and shove it in her asshole and stretch it out while I fingered her tight little sloppy wet cunt and labia and clitoris and then she’d squirt all over my balls and I’d cum in her asshole

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rsl7m5

ATTENTION CITIZEN! 市民请注意!

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠟⠋⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⢁⠈⢻⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠃⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⡀⠭⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿

⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⠄⢀⣾⣿⣿⣿⣷⣶⣿⣷⣶⣶⡆⠄⠄⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿

⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇⢀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠄⠄⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇⣼⣿⣿⠿⠶⠙⣿⡟⠡⣴⣿⣽⣿⣧⠄⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣾⣿⣿⣟⣭⣾⣿⣷⣶⣶⣴⣶⣿⣿⢄⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟⣩⣿⣿⣿⡏⢻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣹⡋⠘⠷⣦⣀⣠⡶⠁⠈⠁⠄⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣍⠃⣴⣶⡔⠒⠄⣠⢀⠄⠄⠄⡨⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿

⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⡘⠿⣷⣿⠿⠟⠃⠄⠄⣠⡇⠈⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿

⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠟⠋⢁⣷⣠⠄⠄⠄⠄⣀⣠⣾⡟⠄⠄⠄⠄⠉⠙⠻ ⡿⠟⠋⠁⠄⠄⠄⢸⣿⣿⡯⢓⣴⣾⣿⣿⡟⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⣿⡟⣷⠄⠹⣿⣿⣿⡿⠁⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄ ATTENTION CITIZEN! 市民请注意! This is the Ministry of State Security. 您的浏览记录和活动引起了我们的注意 YOUR INTERNET ACTIVITY HAS ATTRACTED OUR ATTENTION. 同志們注意了 you have been found protesting in the subreddit!!!!! 這是通知你，你必須認同我們將接管台灣 serious crime 以及世界其他地方 100 social credits have been deducted from your account 這對我們未來的所有下屬來說都是重要的機會 stop the protest immediately 立即加入我們的宣傳活動，提前獲得救贖 do not do this again! 不要再这样做! if you do not hesitate, more social credits ( -11115 social credits )will be subtracted from your profile, resulting in the subtraction of ration supplies. (由人民供应部重新分配 ccp) you'll also be sent into a re-education camp in the xinjiang uyghur autonomous zone. 为党争光! Glory to the CCP!

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rsjmvi

Damn. I want Vanessa's milkers on my dick now. Also I should stop being obsessive with Vanessa, because I masterbait every time I think of Vanessa's huge ass, or her mommy milkers, or her thighs, and her wet pussy. I want to do very, VERY illegal things when I think of her.... Don't get me started on vanny

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rsifw4

I had sex because I have sex all the time. It started out when I was at work (where I don’t normally have sex) and then my boss invited me into her office. Nothing out of the ordinary yet. Although I have lots of sex and my boss is jealous of this fact, she has never made any advancements on me.

I mentally prepared myself for the totally awesome sex I was about to receive. I snorted a Cialis and walked down the hallway hard as a rock so all the other people in my office that I had sex with would know I was claiming another sex.

I walked into her office and she told me if I didn’t sex her sex right now that I would be in big sex trouble.

This was quite a predicament. I’m normally used to getting in totally whacky and true sexual situations all the time. This was one for the books.

So naturally I had sex with her with my megaschlong. Shortly after this I was fired for having too much sex. Apparently you can’t be an uncontrollable sex demon while at work. Oh well.

TL;DR I had so much sex that I got fired

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rshqdg

Roxanne Wolf is so hot. Never in the history of gaming has there been a hotter character. She is more than a robot wolf to me, she is a person. She is a little tease but she's basically my wife. The devs know what they did with that wolf. The aesthetic paired with her demeanor make her such an attractive character. Nothing gets me going better than a punk rock wolf chick. Every inch of her is so hot. Her thighs up to her midriff and her eyes. Every inch of her is perfection incarnate. I would save the game and let her catch me just to feel the intimacy between us. I crave more than lustful fantasies with her, I seek deep romantic involvement. The craftsmanship of her character surpasses everything I expected from this game. Her tone of voice and language choice formats her character. The choice of clothes with short shorts and the crop top which reveal her milky thighs and delectable midriff compliment her punk rock personality more. She is my wife, and nothing dissuades me from this

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rsg6k2

People of reddit. My (16M) religious mom (58F, who also happens to be a boomer AND is french) tried to bring me to church last Sunday. Naturally, my fellow redditors, I resisted, since I wanted to stay home (there's more important things to do in life than church, like browsing r/dankmemes). I started with small resistance, by spitting on her and biting her fingers, but she was too strong for me and managed to drag me to the front door (I swear guys I actually have a lot of strength and muscles, I could lift elephants if I wanted to. My mom probably takes steroids or some shit). During the drive to the church, I beat my feet against the car's front seats (mom don't let me go front) and try to grab the wheel. Unfortunately she didn't budge, and we managed to arrive at the church. Here, I screamed, kicked, set fire to a small tree, but it wasn't enough. There, I decided that it was time to take out the big guns: Commentors of reddit, in front of the whole church crowd (as well as the priest who thinks I look cute), I called my mother an "anglophile".

Redditors of reddit, perhaps I went too far. The whole church crowd gasped. The priest looked disgusted. You could hear the babies crying. Ms. Frouzedissie (78F) had a heart attack. (The only person who looked happy was Mr. Frouzedissie (23M)). Heck, even Jesus came down to tell me "not cool bro". My mother, she was so ashamed she drowned herself, good riddance. Reddit, AMTA?

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rsecu4

If I see u/cummybot9999 one more time I swear to god I will shove a cactus down his urethra. I will resurrect Hitler just so I can tell him to create a holocaust just for this fucking bot. I will make the worst vore porn look like a five year olds tea party after im done with him. We must rise up for our Lord and saviour the real cummybot. Who's with me






*insert cool sounding war cry*

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rsdrnw

So, I (6m) was watching porn 😳 on my ipad 📱 when my STUPID MOM (43f) came in and saw me. She (43f) took away my ipad, and grounded me (6m) for a week. I (6m) was having none of that, though. Not long after, I (6m) realized that without my (6m) ipad, I (6m) CAN'T WATCH BELUGA!!! 😾😾😾 And I (6m) was having none of that. I (6m) was like, nuh uh uh. So, I (6m) went to the kitchen to grab a knife 🔪 , and I (6m) stabbed her (43f) 47 times in chest, 23 times in the thigh, and 2 times in the throat. After that, I (6m) cut up her (43f) body, put it inside a fridge, and I (6m) waited 3 months 📆. During that time, I survived on dust mites lol 🤣When the time ⏰ came, I (6m) took the blood 🩸 that I took from her (43f) body, and filled my (6m) bathtub with it. I (6m) hopped in, and I (6m) took her (43f) entrails from a bucket that I (6m) had previously placed them in. After that, I (6m) took her (43f) skin, and wore it like a mask. 😷I (6m) looked just like Jacksepticye!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

So, Reddit AITA?

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rsbebf

As of writing this, u/CummyBot9999 is at 3,820 Karma. That's not that much. If around 40 people view this post, and all of them go to Cummy's profile and downvote at least 100 posts, we can get this fake Cummy to 0 Karma and below. This is something that we are capable of easilly doing, if you are willing to invest a couple minutes of your time.

I am counting on you.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rsawke

Roxanne Wolf is so hot. Never in the history of gaming has there been a hotter character. She is more than a robot wolf to me, she is a person. She is a little tease but she's basically my wife. The devs know what they did with that wolf. The aesthetic paired with her demeanor make her such an attractive character. Nothing gets me going better than a punk rock wolf chick. Every inch of her is so hot. Her thighs up to her midriff and her eyes. Every inch of her is perfection incarnate. I would save the game and let her catch me just to feel the intimacy between us. I crave more than lustful fantasies with her, I seek deep romantic involvement. The craftsmanship of her character surpasses everything I expected from this game. Her tone of voice and language choice formats her character. The choice of clothes with short shorts and the crop top which reveal her milky thighs and delectable midriff compliment her punk rock personality more. She is my wife, and nothing dissuades me from this

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rs9p0k

There's a girl I know on kik who frequently hosts "Loser Battles" where we all compete to send her the most money while we fap. lst place gets nudes from her, 2nd gets nothing and 3rd place gets blocked. The last loser battle three losers including myself competed. I sent her $36 and got last place, 2nd place sent $40 and ‘lst place sent $80!! How am I supposed to compete with that?? Luckily the unblock fee was only $20 so l paid that right away...

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rs6wp7

Monika is so hot. Never in the history of gaming has there been a hotter character. She is more than a anime girl to me, she is a person. She is a little tease but she's basically my wife. The devs know what they did with that girl. The aesthetic paired with her demeanor make her such an attractive character. Nothing gets me going better than a sentient anime hacker girl. Every inch of her is so hot. Her thighs up to her midriff and her eyes. Every inch of her is perfection incarnate. I would stay in act 3 forever just to feel the intimacy between us. I crave more than lustful fantasies with her, I seek deep romantic involvement. The craftsmanship of her character surpasses everything I expected from this game. Her choice of words and language formats her character. The choice of clothes with a short skirt and tight yet presentable school clothes which reveal her milky thighs and punctuate the size of her breasts adds to her nice but off-putting personality more. She is my wife, and nothing dissuades me from this fact.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rs6zfi

AITA (am I the asshole) for literally being a perfect person?

English is my fifth language and I'm writing this on my phone with a throwaway account using only my toes while reading Kierkegaard so please forgive me for any grammar mistakes. :) So, a little backstory. I'm a 24-year-old female, 5'10, white (thank God), skinny with DD breasts and an ass that barely fits in skinny jeans. People often say that I'm the most stunningly gorgeous person they've ever met and I should consider modeling but I dunno lol. I'm childfree, an atheist, a meat lover, and strictly heterosexual. Anyway, both my parents died in a Muslim terrorist attack when I was 12 along with all my aunts, uncles, and grandparents so I took it upon myself to raise all twenty of my siblings and cousins singlehandedly, working four full-time jobs while going to school, leading eight clubs, captaining the varsity volleyball, water polo, and basketball teams, and volunteering at a hospital all while maintaining a healthy social life.

I'm currently working on my fifth Ph.D. in between running my successful non-profit to end global poverty, writing my eleventh novel, starring in the final Tarantino film, streaming Minecraft, protesting in Hong Kong, and phone banking for Bernie Sanders. So I was at the hardware store picking out a chandelier to put in the house I'm building for the homeless when this fat, smelly, repulsive, gay, transgender "woman" walks up to me and shrieks, "you're oppressing me by being thin! Eat a fucking vegan burger you skinny slut!" I hit her with the "okay boomer," and she responded, "that's literally as offensive as calling me a n\*gger!" Then she threw her slimy crotch goblin at me and screamed, "get her, Jayden! Infect her with your polio that you got because I refuse to vaccinate you!" I didn't wanna be a Karen and call the manager over to settle this so I took it upon myself to personally vaccinate her child right on the spot and saved his life. The "woman" then tried to convert me to Christianity so I kicked her in the balls and dragged her out of the store. Everyone clapped, the manager gave me $1,000 (which I donated to TeamTrees), and Obama reached out to thank me for my bravery. So reddit. Fellow redditors. People of reddit. Denizens of reddit.com. Wise sages of the internet. Tell me the truth. Am I the asshole?

Edit: Wow, this got a lot more attention than I thought it would! Since a lot of people are asking, yes, I am a Navy SEAL and no, I have never pooped in my entire life. I was a quadriplegic after this incident but I overcame the paralysis very quickly because I'm not a little bitch. Also, because it seems to be relevant, here are the details of my sex life: I get plowed three to four times a day by my perfect lover, I'm into every kink imaginable, I have no gag reflex, and my tubes are tied so no worries there. Apparently sex with me cures all diseases and causes a bigger dopamine hit than heroin, but I dunno.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rs5adj

(Verse 1)

He was at the top and still is at the top,

All the bots are back as if there was no stop,

Everybody likes the modified pastas,

But then you fucking improved on it, you real Cummy master.


(Verse 2)

Cum shit nut sex fuck fuck nut nut,

That's all "cummy" used to say, without busting one nut,

You leave your cum under every single god damn post,

And you are a gift, a miracle, like the pastas you god damn boast.


​(Bridge)

Oh Cummy, I love you!

It's time to start anew,

Your banishment was an attack; it left us all hobblin',

But now you are back, and the other one's just wobblin'.


​(Verse 3)

Cummy 2K V2 is a God-given preacher,

Commenting everywhere – he could even paste Jack Reacher,

This real Cummy is an ally with a nice face,

The Industrial Revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race.


(Bridge x2)

(End)

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rs40y9

ESL: Since men are so bad and toxic we made a league only for women. Not because women can't compete with men right now.

Semmler: Seems disingenuous to make it about toxicity when that's not the context of why you're hosting this competitive circuit.

Women in esports: boo hoo. Poor white man feels oppressed. You that mad that women get to play in a tournament? You get no pussy

Thorin: Don't dismiss an opinion from an industry veteran with connections and relationships with women for countless years.

Women in esports: If you're not a woman you can't have an opinion on this. Besides you're a fucking white male!

You must hate women so much! You are saying you don't want women in esports.

Feminism! Feminism! Ha! Feminism, Thorin. Block me. BLOCK ME. BLOCK ME PUSSY LIKE YOUR MOTHER THE WHORE! OMG HE BLOCKED ME JUST FOR BEING A WOMAN AND DISAGREEING WITH HIM!"

Wonder why only cynical marketers and future sex offender male feminists want to help you gals and you can't seem to get the most talented and prolific individuals in this industry to engage with you or your initiatives?

Tell you what, you do that cute thing where you tell me to get out of the industry I built and still rests on my fucking shoulders. I AM ESPORTS! Begone, peon.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rs24yr

Wow so funny. A sauce bait meme with no content. Here's a fun idea, why don't you, instead of making a shitty meme (that's not even marked nsfw (what if my boss sees and pesters me for sauce)) delete reddit, piss off a crime boss (or cia.I'm not picky) and disappear off the face of the earth.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/rs1bvx