This would have never happened at a metal show. Unless you frequent them often, you wouldn't know that if you show up to a concert with no money, you just have to tell the doorman one good deed you did that day and they'll let you in for free. At that point in the day, every metalhead will have done several good deeds already. It is also commonplace to bring a bouquet of flowers to the venue. If you see another metalhead with a bouquet you like better, you are able to switch them and you both hug it out. There is no other reason to do this besides showing the rest of the world that we are the most wholesome creatures on planet Earth. One time when I saw Slayer back in '86 and they had just started playing Seasons in the Abyss as their encore, we collectively as an audience decided to mutually masturbate to congratulate one another on yet another completely safe environment for all those involved. A couple minutes in, several of the audience members began slipping and falling amidst all the cum. Kerry King himself, sorry, do you even know who Kerry King is? Anyway, this god among men held his arms up and refused to keep playing until he knew everyone was safe. He then climbed down from the stage and scaled the rivers of cum and assorted flower petals, to shake each one of our hands on a job well done. We all erupted into thunderous applause and hugs. IT'S CALLED METAL BROTHERHOOD. TAKE A NOTE, RAP FANS.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qxfgtd

CAN I PUT MY BALLS IN YO JAWS ( \*yo jaws\* )

BALLS IN YO JAWS

CAN I PUT MY BALLS IN YO JAWS ( \*yo jaws\* )

BALLS IN YO JAWS

CAN III ( \*can i\* ), CAN III ( \*can i\* )

CAN I PUT MY BALLS IN YO JAWS ( \*yo jaws\* )

BALLS IN YO JAWS

CAN I PUT MY BALLS IN YO JAWS ( \*yo jaws\* )

BALLS IN YO JAWS

CAN I PUT MY BALLS IN YO JAWS ( \*yo jaws\* )

BALLS IN YO JAWS

CAN III ( \*can i\* ), CAN III ( \*can i\* )

CAN I PUT MY BALLS IN YO JAWS ( \*yo jaws\* )

BALLS IN YO JAWS

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qxeivh

"FEMALES" DON'T EXIST!!!!!!😱😱

A "FEMALE" is a fake person designed by the 🤮GOVERNMENT🤮 to enslave men!!!!😱😱😱😱😱

PROOF👉👉
"FEMALE" stands for;

F ake

E ngineered

MALE !!!!

😱😱😱😱😱😱

So be 😰😰CAREFUL😰😰 around someone who claims to be a 😡😡"FEMALE"😡😡 because they might be a 😱SPY😱 sent by the 🤮GOVERNMENT 🤮
😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱

If you 😡DONT😡 farward this to 20
👨‍🦱people🧒 😨LITTLE TOMMY😱 will crawl out of your sink and eat Your eyeballs 👁️👁️

🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qxdo5g

Look, hear me out. I'm not saying sex isn't good. In fact it's great, that's not what I'm arguing. I just like Minecraft more. In sex, you share a close, intimate relationship with another person. Your sweaty bodies rubbing up against each other, with so much control over a person, and to feel so vulnerable, who could blame anyone for loving sex? But in Minecraft, you have control over the entire world in Creative mode. The vulnerable, exciting rush that blasts adrenaline is so much more thrilling when you're being chased by zombies in a dungeon. That's not even to mention the fact that, with mods, you can simulate sex in the game with another player. If my logic has yet to convince you that Minecraft is better than sex, surely you can see the surperiority of something that has sex AND so much more? Personally I've never had sex in my life (yet) but I can already tell there's just no point when I can do the dirty deed in a game. Furthermore, who can forget how cute those wolves are in Minecraft? Sure, real life has real dogs but there's something more feral, wild about a tamed wolf. Like, it used to be a wild animal that hunted and killed mobs, you know? What gets sexier than that?

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qxcdh6

Ok so its confirmed kanye is single? So hypothetically he could invite me to his house, I'd play my cool art films I made, he'd say they're impactful yet he'd point out the flaws, I'd shiver with disappointment and as punishment for not showing my master quality work he'll fuck me with a Jesus Christ minature figurine as I'm In It plays loudly. Like hypothetically that would happen - me getting punished by an artistic superior genius and I can submit to him and serve him as a good slave all for punishment for not being perfect - like, because he's not married so it would be ethical to "hypothetically" do that?

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qxc5om

I'm not trying to be racist or offensive, even though I understand that I am admitting my own implicit racial biases. I listen to one of the Oingo Boingo Tapes uploads every day. Only a Lad is my most frequently listened to album and I play it about three times a week. I listen to Good For Your Soul twice a week, Nothing To Fear about once a week, and Dead Man’s Party around once every other week. Anyway, Danny Elfman’s stage presence and beautiful hair in these live performances is so impactful to me that they stay in my mind when I'm not listening to Oingo Boingo. One example of this is that when I see a ginger on the street I think to myself, "DANNY?!" l've never said actually said this to a ginger before, it's just a part of my inner monologue when I see a ginger. Anyway, l'm wondering if anyone has experienced a similar "problem" from listening to so much Oingo Boingo. I'm a brunette if that helps to provide context.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qxathl

I am very sad and hurt from my son in law, he is the best son I have ever had, in fact he is like a son to me. He is a good man, and is the only father I've ever known.

I saw him with my daughter, and he is a womanizer. I have never suspected him of cheating on his wife, but last night I found him alone with a woman in his home. I confronted him and he is still denying it, and he won't tell me the woman's name.

My heart hurts. I'm worried that this is a ploy on his part to make me go to sleep with him. I'm afraid to believe him because the woman looks like a hooker.

I feel so betrayed, why would he be with someone like this, when he should be with me? Is he cheating on his wife, why doesn't he tell me the truth? Am I crazy for thinking this, I just can't help it. Please help me out.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qx4rqi

NO; FUCK YUO; YUO OF WRONG BOSNIAN REAL THE REALST LANGUAUGE,, BOSNIAnN MASTER LANGUAGE THE REAL BEIGN REKOGNIZED 1ST. WIKIPEDIJA SAYS REAL LANGUAUGE WIKIPEDIJA TRUE. OFFUCK ĆIRILICA FUCK EKAVICA FUCK ORTHGODOX. BOSNA BEST SLAV. SERB OF WORST SLAV REMOVE DIRTY SERBS REMOVE ČETNIK DEFEND KEBAB WE OF RETURN TO DAY OF GLORY NO SERB ONLY KEBAB, FUCK THE SERB ARTILLERY, IT NOT DESTROY SARAJEVO YOU DO NOT YOU DONT REMOVE KEBAB. KEBAB BEEN HERE IN BALKAN SINCE 1299 OTTOMAN EMPIRE STRENGTHEN MUSLIM FORCES..,,,YOU CANNOT REMOVE BOSNIA I HERZEGOVINIA...SERBIA SMELL..BIGGY SMALLS ALIVE IN BOSNIA, BIGGY SMALLS MAKE ALBUM OF BOSNIA "FAST RAP BIGGY BOSNIA" BIG WIZARD BIGGY SMALLS KILL ALL FARM ANIMALS AND REST OF BALKANS STARVE,,BOSNIA+TURKEY+CROATIA+SERBIA+BARACK OBAMA=STAR WARS,, IN YEAR 3069 THERE WILL BE GREAT BATTLE IN SPACE ON KEBABVIN 4 AND SERBIA WILL BE LEAD BY ROBODAN MELOCEVIC BUT BOSNIANS DO NOT WORRY BECAUSE WE HAVE P100-JUKOWOLVE AND GREAT COMMANDER MAHIR BUREKOVIC TO DESTROY SERBS,, SERBS SMELL STINK WHEN IN OVEN, KEBAB+TURK SMELL GREAT WHEN COOKED,, sarajevo strongestt, bosnia greattst countrey

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qx9g4z

So I was talking to my friend with a handsome knowledge of cryptocurrency, when out of nowhere he noticed that my discord profile picture is actually an image of the Bored Apes NFT worth over 80,000$. I got nervous, because I actually screenshotted it instead of buying it, thinking it was a funny monke meme. I acted cool, trying to make him stay away to see if the image was actually bought. "Yeah bro, I own this NTR" He then said that he was suspicious of me, I then sent an image of an among us impostor meme, slightly annoyed that I did. I told him "Why are you saying that I am sus", he responded with "Why did u say "NTR"" I fucking froze in fear, after remembering that I've fapped atleast 43 times to hentai doujin last night home alone. They were all NTR. I proceeded to say "Yeah, the seller said that it's an NTR, because the character was actually cheated on". He said "I don't think a professional would joke around like that." I got scared, I proceeded to say "Nahh bro, he fr told me". He said "Really? Then he shouldn't be selling NFTs." I then blindly said "NTR\*". He got mad, and checked out if it was REALLY sold. I panicked, but he soon said "The blockchain says that the image is owned by sex68419" I said, "yeah, that's my user" in an attempt to convince him that I owned the image, thank god that the user was alot like my personality. He then said "No, it isn't yours." I said "Yes it is", he said "Don't you remember, my username is sex68419?" I shitted, he said "I just bought it, no one else bought it, I just did. This proves that this NFT isn't yours." I said "NTR\*" He got really fucking angry, telling me to change my profile picture because HE owns it. "The blockchain doesn't lie, shithead. Change that fucking profile or I'll literally fucking sue you." Fuck, fuck, fuck, this all happened because I made him sus of me for saying "NTR", I shouldn't have fapped to that shit. But then, I got a great idea, I said "Are u cheating on me with the NTR..?" His ass has the audacity to say "What the fuck are you talking about? I've only known you for 2 months, and you're a guy." I can't believe it, he cheated on me with an NTR, this just makes it an NTR. This is a certified Wholesome -100 moment.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qx82py

On a dark and stormy night, I was experiencing great hunger, so much that I was wanting to eat anything to satiate it. Taco Bell had recently introduced the Carolina Reaper Inferno Sauce prior, and as I have never been graced with it, I was willing to try it. I ordered two burritos with the sauce conveniently drenched on them. The worker hesitated in giving me my bag, notifying me of the dangers that this legendary sauce holds. Due to my hunger, I was slightly irritated of her decision to separate me from my meal for longer than I had to. To illustrate my frustrations in the most calm way I could fathom at the time, I called her a stupid bitch, then emptied my wife's bear mace on her. When I grabbed my dinner, I pulled into the parking lot of the fast food restaurant and tore the bag into shreds, then they were revealed. Two great burritos, so pleasing to the eye. I grabbed one, and ripped right through the disclaimer on the package. I slowly sank my teeth into the burrito, enjoying every last bit of it. The pain from the flaming hot topping was incomparable to the pleasure I received from devouring this creation. Before I knew it, I was on my last bite. After I finished, I quickly finished off the second. After polishing both burritos off, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. The time has come to give birth to this majestic child. I sprinted into the restaurant with only the opening of my asshole holding it all in. I ripped open my Spandex leggings, revealing my raging Woody from all of the pressure. I plopped down on their surprisingly clean porcelain toilet, only to tarnish all of the fine work the janitors have been doing. I squeezed with unfathomable force, feeling my bowels evacuate themselves. The gruesome sound of my compacted ass fudge tearing my anus open was similar to that of thunder, raging through the skies. As soon it escaped, an eardrum rupturing noise was heard. The shockwave of my butt chocolate slamming against the bowl of their toilet was heard by many. The sound of the pipes shattering was spread for miles. As the job was done, I was hunched over, relieved of my shit but also in great pain from this experience. I was beginning to feel empathy for the Taco Bell staff so I attempted to fix part of the issue. I flushed the toilet, thinking a plunger would be nearby. There wasn't a plunger for miles. The water started rising; the flood gates have been opened. As I was swept away by a rogue wave of brown and crimson red, I still had no regret for the purchase of my dinner. Even if this experience would kill me, I would eat here a million times over.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qx76pk

My final notes to leave off this server: FUCK you guys. Seriously, eat a steaming pile of shit. I hate every single one of you. The humor was okay until it wasn't, and became another circlejerk. You guys make me sick. I actually found success after ghosting this server for a while. I got good grades. I got a girlfriend. Couldn't be happier this server is closing. At least another person doesn't have to make themselves suffer with this degeneracy. I've found new shitpost hubs. I've found new places to spew my stupidness. Seriously, FUCK. YOUR. SELF. I HATE YOU. - closing words, Tanbored.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qx6g06

The other day I [M22] was on shadbase.com, now, I promise I’m not a pedo. I don’t like the loli stuff. I was just in it for the good stuff. So I hit the random button a few times until I found a nice and hot comic strip, it was about a twitch thot fucking their hot ass milf mom on stream and the getting banned. I was jerking off to this for a bit, and read a few more pages, you know, for plot reasons. I proceeded jerking and right as I was about to nut I accidentally clicked the random button again, and it switched to a closeup of sonic the hedgehog’s asshole and I came to it. I feel embarrassed and ashamed and I don’t know what to do. I think I might just kill myself.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qx54m2

My husband will only have sex with me if I pretend I’m dead

The only way he can maintain an erection and actually fuck is if I lay there stiff like a corpse. He said he likes to imagine that he is raping a dead corpse.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qx387n

“George, you have fucked up for the last time,” the Man in the Yellow Hat said. Tears filled his eyes as he raised his shotgun. He sighed, before the loud *crack* of a shot rang in his ears.

The blood splattered all over the apartment, and as he looked at himself through the reflection of George's lifeless eyes, he didn't even recognize himself, only saw the face of a murderer. Truth was, the Man in the Yellow Hat didn't have a reason to live without his best friend by his side. He had to pay for his sins. And so, he lied down next to his primate friend, shotgun barrel in hand, big toe on the trigger. His life flashed before his eyes. "Huh, so the legends really are true", he chuckles to himself, tears staining his suit jacket, which was already ruined by George's blood. He thought about all the amazing people he had known throughout his life, but recognized that he couldn't continue living with this, and all good things had to come to an end. And with the last muscle movement of his life, he pulled the trigger, wiping his memory from this plane of existence.








credit to Discord user Ashai#1424 for the first paragraph. Should I continue this, or provide more story?

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qx2rew

Oh God, Oh Man

Oh God, Oh Man

Oh God, Oh Man

Oh God, Oh Man

Oh God, Oh Man

Oh God, Oh Man

Oh God, Oh Man, Oh God

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qx1pb3

I'm a little annoyed they destroyed this water cannon just to hide a fucking shotgun in it. This wasn't just a squirt gun. This was a squirt cannon. Insta-soaking anyone that merely looked at its drenching beam of pure moistening power. These were the pinnacle of back yard water delivery solutions. It was reasonable to expect to lose an eye if shot in the face with one of these. And this clown destroyed one just to put a pussy ass shotgun in it. Disgraceful.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qx0hq2

So I was having online classes with my camera turned off when I started hearing a little whistle from one of the students in the background that seemed very familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it. The whistling stopped for a couple of minutes until I started hearing it again, and then I knew exactly what it was: it was the chorus of Dream's hit song 'Mask'. I immediately ripped off all my clothes and started furiously stroking my fully erect penis for a good 10 min, even sticking my Dream body pillow up my rectum, imagining that it was Daddy Dream penetrating me while whistling his hit song 'Mask'. It honestly were the greatest 10 minutes of my life, until my libido reached its climax and I let out a gigaload of cum for Daddy Dream that landed on the phone's screen and ended up turning on the mic and camera, and everyone stared horrified at me, screaming at the sight of my honest and earnest love expression to Dream. I was kicked out of the class by the dreamphobic teacher, and today the school principal called me and my parents to a meeting and told us that I may be expelled from the school, merely from expressing my gender and sexuality. What can I do about this?!?!? Was I in the wrong for expressing my gender and identity??!? (Only serious answers, please).

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qwzb1j

alright... you want a war? imagine being so unfeminine that you cant even attract the opposite gender and have to resort to your own which will never work because of this thing called BIOLOGY. i'm glad you get to experience the headache that females give you tho but think yin and yang, 2 yins dont work. as for you Maddy, there's this thing called the SMV = sexual market value that takes into account youth, wealth, health, aesthetics, which you severely lack in everything except for youth which is why im not trying to woo you. I love the intellect of INFPs but you don't seem very articulate, lack eloquence or a bibliophile at all. I was hoping for a dalliance but serendipity didn't go our way. this may seem capricious but you were being a cunt. usually im nonchalant about things but you picked the wrong vigorous masculine man tonight

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qwxm9b

Obligatory didn't happen yesterday, but over the span of the past months.

​

COVID lockdown has been very hard on me in the sexual department. I'm a male and I had never considered anything beyond my hand for self pleasure, but these hardships had me looking for something more spicy. After a lot of research into the different types of "tools" available, I ended up buying a Riley Reid fleshlight. It would be shipped in an anonymous box, and I was as excited as could be.

​

A few days pass and I receive the package. Naturally, I had to try it out at the next opportunity. Together with some water-based lube I experienced a very new sensation, leaving me more than satisfied with the new purchase. The only downside, I found, is the cleanup. Doing it the usual way requires little maintenance. A paper towel or tissue is really all that is needed. Not with Riley Reid fleshlights. If you aren't familiar with them, they are basically long hollow silicone tubes, with all sorts of textures inside making cleaning up a bit of a task.

​

Now, did read on some forums about the importance of proper cleaning, to prevent the growth of mold. Some posts also press users to use alcohol to kill off any life still present. Not having any alcohol based disinfectant at home, I decide to thoroughly clean with water to really get any nasty things out there. I let the tap flow through it for minutes, I close up both ends to fill it with water and then shake violently, and use my fingers to clean the inside.

​

The next few times I use the pleasure pipe I use the same cleaning strategy, as it appears to do a good job of keeping it spotless, with no nasty odor present. I am confident I am doing a good job. I am getting through this lockdown well.

​

Que to about a month later and I notice my foreskin has become somewhat tight. I think not too much of it and decide to leave it and see how it develops. Over time, the tightness only becomes worse, making it move beyond a certain threshold harder and harder. It is at this point I realise I have been improperly cleaning the fake vag, consequently giving me an STD. I start sweating.

​

I end up planning an appointment with my GP, who fortunately does not ask me what this might have caused, because I am definitely not going tell them my Johnson has been the victim of a partial copy of this famous porn actress. My GP prescribes me a cream, which I am to use twice a day. If it does not work after a month, I need to come back.

​

Now I knew what it means if that cream does not work, because I had done some Googling. There are only two treatments for this condition: 1) a cream, and if that fails 2) a circumcision. I obviously had never been circumcised, but I was not liking the idea of the reduced sensation that comes with this modification.

​

I scrub in that cream for weeks, hoping for the best while whispering my foreskin sweet things to help its healing process. Though I see an improvement, it is far from enough and I begin to fear the worst.

​

I get back to my GP, and receive the bad news. I have since gone to the hospital, leaving behind my dear foreskin as I left.

​

Please clean Riley Reid's southern crevice.

​

TL;DR Got a fleshlight during lockdown, infected myself by not cleaning it properly, got my foreskin chopped off.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qwwaat

The year is 2042. Sciencefags started to test time travel with human guinea pigs with their consent. You volunteer to be part of the test, even start to learn middle english. You made it to the XII century, everything looks shitty beyond you dreams, at this time you decide to give birth to your wildest kink in this god forsaken land. You buy a cheap girl slave, don't even have 16 years old. She immediately thinks she's done for, either to be abused until she's broken, or to work until she's broken. You go with her to a nearby lake, and start to give her a bath, and soon after you go buy one of the most expensive clothes, and start to dress her. She can't even imagine why is this happening, and start to ask you. You only say one thing: "Save your breath, you'll soon realize how good is to be alive". You give her some of the food you've brought from the future, she cries just for taste it. She immediately starts to think of you as a god, not even thinking about other things. 6 years passes, she's prettier than any princesses from nearby kingdoms, and idolize you more than any god. You realize that this little girl gave you more happiness than any technological bullshit you were consuming back in your time period, never want to go back.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qwuetl