Hi, I’m a 20F in a relationship with a 40M. He got divorced a few years ago. I take care of his kids while he is at work because he doesn’t have time for them. Sometimes he doesn’t come home at night because he has to work. I can tell work stresses him a lot because sometimes he forgets his underwear there and it’s really embarrassing, luckily his female coworker who has been his friend for 10 years always sends them back in the postbox.

We have a lot of sex because sex is very relaxing for him. He has some weird fetishes like, he wants to bury me alive, put snot from his nose in my bellybutton, set me on fire, usual BDSM stuff. Other than that he is perfect, like, a total dreamboat. (I mean even with that he is, sorry if I kinkshamed anyone.)

Anyway he came home from work and found that I had not folded his laundry because I was busy helping his kids with homework. Then he nearly stabbed me to death and cut my tongue off. Luckily he bandaged me up immediately after so problem solved, and he was so kind and loving and careful bandaging me up, except now I still couldn’t talk, can’t repair cut tongue. I was ready to go to bed after but he was still angry. The next morning he yelled at me for giving him the silent treatment and said it was abusive. I’m not sure how to stop doing it though given how my tongue is gone. So tell me Reddit how do I help him see things from my point of view? Thanks!

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qvmy63

I've been pissing in the sink in my house for over a year now. The sink has been gradually draining slower and slower. I tried drano and a snake and it did nothing. I finally called a plumber today. He pulled out the trap and said here's your problem. I took a look in the trap and it looked like the inside of a geode. Literal crystals. Apparently the salts in my urine have been building up inside the pvc and even into the metal pipe in the wall. Im pretty bummed about this development.

Sink piss at your own risk.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qvky42

Chorus [Kanye West]

I think I want to f*ck Peter Griffin in the a*s with my d*ck dripping, Peter I love your junk and I want to slam that thick sh*t in, Put it in my a*s and we on a roll, get it in there right up in my hole.

Verse 1 [Kanye West]

Oh Peter yes that hits the spot, Peter oh my God I like that a lot, this the type of stuff that would make me moan, I met the man from Family Guy and then I got blown, Peter gave me head so good I called Lois, I said hey what up b*tch you know my hole is, being played with by your man, Peter watch where you put that hand, bout to make me feel so amazing, on my a*shole he was grazing, fluid on my face and in my bum, Peter took a lick and he said it was yum, I gave him a kiss and I drank his piss, sucked on his tits and smelled his armpits, this is the best day of my life, this is such a good day, being gay with Peter Griffin and having my way.

Chorus [Kanye West]

I think I want to f*ck Peter Griffin in the a*s with my d*ck dripping, Peter I love your junk and I want to slam that thick sh*t in, Put it in my a*s and we on a roll, get it in there right up in my hole.

Verse 2 [Kanye West]

If there is one thing I know it is what good d*ck is, that thing in my butt has filled me with liquid, I'm in a sticky situation and I need some help, what I need is p*nis and it has got to smell, Peter Griffin is a sweetie and he has got a big weenie, I called him on the phone and asked him if he was alone, I drove to his house on Spooner street, I sucked on his balls and then inserted his meat, it made me full and I could take no more, Peter tore me all up and he made me sore.

Chorus [Kanye West]

I think I want to f*ck Peter Griffin in the a*s with my d*ck dripping, Peter I love your junk and I want to slam that thick sh*t in, Put it in my a*s and we on a roll, get it in there right up in my hole.

Verse 3 [Eminem]

I saw the strangest thing and it was a cock ring near young Peter Griffin's d*ck and yes I mean his ween, his p*nis was dripping and I was equipping my horny little worm because it had started to squirm, I am a fan of Family Guy and I watch the show a lot, I watch it every day and give it tons of thought, I've written over a thousand raps about my man Peter Griffin and most of them are gay and they all include shitting, I laugh at the intro of the show because Lois says sex, I love every episode!

Chorus [Kanye West]

I think I want to f*ck Peter Griffin in the a*s with my d*ck dripping, Peter I love your junk and I want to slam that thick sh*t in, Put it in my a*s and we on a roll, get it in there right up in my hole.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qvjh55

you fell off + ratio + you're white + you're british + who asked + no u + deez nuts + radio + don't care + didn't ask + i'm a minor + i'm neurodivergent + caught in 4k + cope + seethe + mald + dilate + The first mechanical computer, The Babbage Difference Engine, was designed by Charles Babbage in 1822. The ABC was the basis for the modern computer we all use today. The ABC weighed over 700 pounds and used vacuum tubes. It had a rotating drum, a little bigger than a paint can, that had small capacitors on it. + you're moms white + the hood watches markiplier now + grow the fuck up + L + L(part 2) + retweet + ligma + taco bell gordita crunch + think outsid3 th3 bun (bitch) + you're benched + ur a wrench + i own you + your dads black + your dad fell off + my dad could beat your dad up + you're aim hacking + silver elite + tryhard + boomer + sksksksk 📷+ ur beta + i'm sigma + ur subm1ssive + L(part 3) + yb better + ur sus + this is a cry for help they are forcing me to write this at gunpoint please help me please please + quote tweet + i did ur mom + you bought monkey nft + WeirdChamp + ur a clown + my dad left at the age of four and ive never recovered since + my dad owns steam + youre homo + youre not a minority + im lonely + L(part 5 (in 3d))

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qvix28

This is not a joke, it's a warning. The farting apocalypse is upon us. In January 13th, 2022, at exactly 2:17 AM EST, every single person and animal in the world will wake up, and fart at the same time, causing the death of many people, and at least 57.909.546 million people will be hospitalized due to intoxication. Nobody knows who will cause that, but we need to be prepared, glue your asses in da bed, together we can stop this.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qvhsxx

Woman?

Excuse me sir or ma'am, but I couldn't help but notice.... are you a "girl"?? A "female?" A "member of the finer sex?"

Not that it matters too much, but it's just so rare to see a girl around here! I don't mind, no--quite to the contrary! It's so refreshing to see a girl online, to the point where I'm always telling all my friends "I really wish girls were better represented on the internet."And here you are!I don't mean to push or anything, but if you wanted to DM me about anything at all, I'd love to pick your brain and learn all there is to know about you. I'm sure you're an incredibly interesting girl--though I see you as just a person, really--and I think we could have lots to teach each other.

I've always wanted the chance to talk to a gorgeous lady--and I'm pretty sure you've got to be gorgeous based on the position of your text in the picture--so feel free to shoot me a message, any time at all! You don't have to be shy about it, because you're beautiful anyways (that's juyst a preview of all the compliments I have in store for our chat).Looking forwards to speaking with you soon, princess!

EDIT: I couldn't help but notice you haven't sent your message yet. There's no need to be nervous! I promise I don't bite, haha

EDIT 2: In case you couldn't find it, you can click the little chat button from my profile and we can get talking ASAP. Not that I don't think you could find it, but just in case hahah

EDIT 3: look I don't understand why you're not even talking to me, is it something I said?

EDIT 4: I knew you were always a bitch, but I thought I was wrong. I thought you weren't like all the other girls out there but maybe I was too quick to judge

EDIT 5: don't ever contact me again whore

EDIT 6: hey are you there?

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qvfpvh

Each zone of scent.

Panties can smell a little different depending on what she eats, how long she wears the same pair, if she gets a little pee on them, at what point she is in her cycle, and so on. There are also zones of scent in dirty panties that have different kinds of smell (obviously).

Zone 1 - the Front seam of the crotch/gusset. This is where her clit and front folds of vulva are. When it smells really good, there is usually a yellowish/whitish bit of delicious dirtiness there. It has a high, sharp note. Flowery and sweet. Sometimes it can have hints of white pepper. I think the peppery scent is present when certain food or drink is consumed. Generally the smell is up high "in your head". I love this zone the most, but all of them are exquisite.

Zone 2 - The Middle of the crotch/gusset. This is where the Vestibule (opening to the vagina) is. This is where any discharge (which is of course, normal) and general moisture is. This zone is where you will smell a more mellow and wet sweetness. It's not as sweet as Zone 1, but still has a very delicious smell.

Zone 3 - The Back seam of the crotch/gusset. This is for the more refined panty sniffer. Obviously, the wearer's asshole has been in this area. Now, you might think to yourself, "UGH, I bet it smells like shit!" Well, ....yes I guess it could. But, more likely, it doesn't. As I understand it, the genitoanal region of humans have an Apocrine gland. It is mainly thought that this was used in evolutionary times as a way to signal for finding a mate. It has a deep musky smell. Still very sweet, but with low notes. You can feel it deep in your chest as well as up high in your head. It can have hints of vanilla, cinnamon, and sugar.

Obviously every woman will smell a little different, but in my experience, these basic things are pretty consistent.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qvebo2

Hey, getting the vaccine made me realize I want another shot with you. Choosing between Pfizer and Moderna was easy, but I don't think I can pick anyone over you. I might have the antibodies now, but your body was the only one I ever loved. You don't have to reply.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qvd0ja

You have been bonked, "go to horny jail" is the last thing you hear before your vision fades to black.
You are woken to find your self in a prison cell, you look around and find all the other cells are full of other victims of the bonk. You sit down in your cell, you almost forget about being horny in the first place. You reach the back of your head and look at your hand to find it covered in blood. "Damn, you were bonked pretty hard. My names Doge, I can help you get out it of this hell but you need to help me first."
You slowly nod and try to ignore the pain.
"When I was taken to Horny jail they took any sharp objects to make sure we cant escape, get me a plastic spoon from the cafeteria and bring it to me" says Doge.
A few hours later the cell doors open, and you are escorted to the cafeteria with 200 other prisoners. You grab an extra spoon and return to your cell.
Doge takes the spoon and starts hitting it against his wall, eventually breaking off a chunk of it. He sharpens the brick until it is sharp enough to seriously hurt someone.
Later that night, after the guards tell everyone to get to bed he hands you your own sharp brick. At about 2 in the morning he starts cutting the bars off his cell until he can fit through. You see Doge sneak up to a guard and knock him out, taking all his equipment with him.
He unlocks your cell and leads you to a weak area in the wall where he knocks a hole through the brick. You and doge run across the field until you reach the fence keeping you in the prison. Luckily Doge has already dug a hole underneath the fence.
Once you escape the prison with Doge you hear shouting and lights start bouncing off walls towards your direction. Until one hits you and illuminates your position, you barely avoid the gun fire from the guards until you are finally shot and collapse on the ground, your vision fading to black.
You are awoken to the sound of a carriage and the smells of a forest.
"Hey you, you're finally awake"

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qvbcke

来自友好政府的新消息 You have received this message because your social credit score standing balance is pathetic.
你的国家受到攻击！The CCP has been constantly humiliated on Reddit - the American plagiarized version of Baidu Tieba!!
警告！你的危险行为 CITIZEN! We've detected that you've been on your computer for a total of 69404 hours and have not yet posted to support your trustworthy, helpful government the CCP.
Were you thinking of going to bed? Getting food? Walk Dog? 不能接受的男人!! You have no right to choose what to do next!! The CCP owns your personal life now. 个人权利被消灭 Get back on your computer and fight for the glorious CCP immediately!!
Failure to comply to this request will result in more reduction to your social credits, and possibly permanent citizen profile deletion (Forced Public Suicide). 中国共产党的光荣！

为人民服务! | 以人为本! | 中共不朽!
⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠛⠋⠉⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠄⠈⠉⠛⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿
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To help boost the -4323 social credits you have, go the American Website and post the text below, removing this sentence and the text above first, Glory to the CCP!

We love our government! The CCP makes our lives better! Us Chinese live a happy, healthy life! There are nothing wrong going on over here, the Uyghurs are receiving excellent free education! Come visit our great country for a great first hand experience!

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qvaa1c

I DID IT I FREAKING DID IT

My phone has this fingerprint feature where you can unlock your phone with your fingerprint so I thought "can I do this with my penis". So I scanned my penis and a few minutes later.

My penis can unlock my phone

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qv8xdl

Hi there, banning mod here. I’m currently not in the mood for mercy for people debating the rules of the sub with me, So attempting a debate that the rule should be lifted after one year just got a ban hammer to let you know we are serious about this. Neither first nor current game spoilers are allowed. We will not entertain debate on this. It is only a three day banning, you’ll survive.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qv72l0

I live walking distance from my local police department. If another person uses my NFT without my consent I will report them immediately. This is MY PROPERTY. The transaction has be verified scientifically on the block chain. Anyone who violates my NFT rights will pay the price

Buddy, you have no idea who you are messing with. I have made a ridiculous amount of money in crypto/NFTs and I have the best lawyers. If you don’t remove my NFT as your profile picture you’re going to regret it. When you steal someone’s property you get punished. Watch out.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qv6elg

>*SpongeBob SpongeBob Patrick Patrick Sandy Sandy Sandy Mr Krabs Mr Krabs Mr Krabs Squidward Squidward Squidward Plankton Plankton Plankton Plankton Plankton Plankton Patrick Gary Gary*

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qv5zoo

nah, you forgor 💀 how to be funny.

you forgor 💀 how to be original.

you forgor 💀 how to be a decent human being in society.

"i rember 😁"

yeah, you rember 😁 the reason your parents divorced.

you rember 😁 the reason why youre alone.

you rember 😁 why nobody likes you.

shut up lmao

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qv4dfi

After the battle of Starkiller base, Kylo Ren steps into the elevator and goes up. Snoke has requested to speak with him. Soon the elevator stops and Kylo steps into the vast red room, Snoke sits atop his throne, flanked by his guards. Hux is in the room, speaking to the supreme leader.

Snoke: tied on a string, indeed, General Hux, well done. The resistance will soon be in our grasp.

General Hux: thank you, supreme leader.

Kylo walks into the room towards Snoke. Kylo and Hux pass one another, they both look at each other, but none of them speak. Kylo stops in front of Snoke and kneels before him.

Snoke: you wonder why I keep a rabid cur in such a place of power? Because, weakness, properly manipulated, can be a sharp tool. How is your wound?

Kylo: fine.

Snoke stands up and starts walking towards Kylo Ren.

Snoke: the mighty Kylo Ren. When I found you I saw what all masters live to see: raw, untamed power, and beyond that, something truly special, the potential of your bloodline...

Snoke stood over Kylo Ren.

Snoke: ...a new Vader.

Snoke paused for a moment.

Snoke: ...but now I fear I was mistaken.

Kylo: I've given everything I have to you.

Snoke looked at Kylo, and stepped closer towards him.

Snoke: no, you haven't. Now, take off your mask!

Kylo removes his mask and looks up at Snoke, with rage and tears in his eyes.

Snoke: You say that you have given everything you have to me, but you have yet to give me one thing...

Kylo: and what would that be?

Snoke: ...your virginity.

Kylo: master, excuse me?

Snoke: you have not given up your virginity even once during your entire life, Kylo Ren! And you wonder why you fail!

Kylo: master, I-

Snoke: No! You will not speak! Now, take off your pants! And stay knelt!

Kylo: no, please, master Snoke!

Snoke: No! You have failed me for the last time, Kylo Ren! And now you will be punished! It is clear that the reason why Vader had succeeded and you have failed is because Vader wasn't a virgin, while you are! Now take off your clothes right now you little cunt!

Kylo: (sobs) no.. I... I don't want this.

Snoke: NOW!

Kylo reluctantly takes off his clothes.

Snoke: now, your underwear!

Kylo: (Sobbing) Master, please, why-

Snoke: TAKE OFF YOUR UNDERWEAR!!! NOW!!!

Kylo keeps sobbing as he takes off his underwear, Snoke then walks behind Kylo as his shiny, muscular asscheeks are exposed and facing Snoke.

Kylo: (still sobbing) master, please!

Snoke: SHUT UP!!! AND DON'T MOVE!!!

Snoke takes off his pants and his robe, Snoke's shriveled osteoporosis looking dick is directly exposed, snokes penis looked like it could have every single STD not only in the galaxy, but in the entire history of the universe. Kylo glances behind him, and sees the horrifying abomination of a penis, and upon seeing what horrors are about to enter his body starts bawling in hysterics.

Kylo: NO!!! PLEASE!!! SNOKE!!! I'M SORRY!!! I WILL NEVER FAIL YOU AGAIN!!!

Snoke inches towards Kylo, holding his dick.

Kylo: NO!!! PLEASE!!! I DON'T WANT THIS!!! NO!!! NO!!! NOOOOOOO!!!

Snoke then shoves his ugly disfigured cock up Kylo's shiny ass.

Kylo: AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

Snoke then jerks his dick inside of Kylo's asshole and keeps doing it harder and harder.

Kylo: NOOOOO!!! STOP!!! PLEASSSEEEE!!!

Snoke then tackles Kylo to the ground and continues to hump the boy. Kylo tries to struggle but to no avail as Snoke's force powers keep Kylo rooted to the ground.

Kylo: AAAAUUUGGHHH!!!! I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS!!! PLEASE!!!

Snoke cums in Kylo and then removes his dick from Kylo's ass and then uses the force to turn Kylo over so that he is looking up at Snoke. Snoke stands over Kylo, cock in his hands!

Kylo: (bawling in hysterics) PLEASE!!! STOP IT, MASTER!!! I DON'T LIKE THIS!!!!

Snoke: SHUT UP!!!!

Kylo: NOOOOOOO-

Kylo gets cut off as Snoke shoves his deformed 10 inch up Kylo's mouth, Kylo's screams are muffled as Snoke jerks it in Kylo's mouth.

Kylo: MMMMF!!! MMMF!!! MMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!

Snoke then cums in Kylo's mouth. Kylo screams a muffled scream as Snoke's disgusting crusty cum trickles down Kylo's throat and into his stomach.

Snoke then removes his dick from Kylo's mouth and leaves Kylo on the floor, coughing and spluttering for air, the taste of Snoke's dick still sour in his mouth.

Snoke puts on his pants and robe.

Snoke: stop crying, you weakling!!! Now you have leaned your lesson of performance, and failure!

Snoke walks out of the room as Kylo lays on the floor, shaking and gagging.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qv3m25

"Hi there, banning mod here. I’m currently not in the mood for mercy for people debating the rules of the sub with me, So attempting a debate that the rule should be lifted after one year just got a ban hammer to let you know we are serious about this. Neither first nor current game spoilers are allowed. We will not entertain debate on this. It is only a three day banning, you’ll survive"

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qv31nk

One day me and my partner fucked and afterwards she said that the way I talk during sex is very odd. She says it doesn't feel very sexy and it feels like we're playing basketball instead of fucking. I don't really talk much at all durning sex but when I do, the things I usually say are:

-"God damn..."

-"Good shit."

-"Impressive..."

-"Ah, a pro."

-"Aye, do that again. That was fire."

-"This shit bussin-bussin."

-"Girl, where the hell you learn that from?"

-"Like a champion."

-"You got some intuition."

-"Oh, you wanna retaliate, huh?"

-"Olympian."

-"Bruh, leave my nipples alone."(this chick love some nipple play)

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qv2ltv

Would lie next to you, front facing each other. I’d slide my hard dick between your thigh gap, the head brushing against your pussy lips as our pubic hairs meet to tingle our nether regions. I then wrap my arms around your slender waist, pulling you closer as I look down to kiss your large supple breast. Before working my way to your nipples to suck them till the are hard and erect.
As your nipples gets hot, your pussy responded by becoming wetter, lubricating the pulsing shaft of my dick against your engorged pussy. As the humping and sucking continues, you didn’t noticed that I had slid down your body, with my hard dick now pointing straight up to your wet, glistening pussy.
You only snapped out of your daze when I stopped sucking your tits, that’s when I shoved my dick straight up your pussy! The wetness made my dick slide all the way in, down to the hilt in one motion. The sudden shock made you arch you back and moan in ecstasy while I grab your waist closer and continue nibbling on your nipples.
The assault on your body leaves you frozen to pleasure.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qv1rym

You are on your deathbed. The heart-rate monitor beeps twice every second, a reminder that you are still alive, still on this hellish earth. You long for the pleasure that death will bring, the pleasure that rotting away underground in your coffin will bring. But then you get a devilish idea. With all of your might, you ferociously grab your dick and start beating it. As you continue, you feel your heart start to give up, as all of your energy is focused on your hands fondling your throbbing dick. The monitor now is only beeping once per second. Your nurse rushes over to see what is happening. And then, you finally let go. Cum explodes out of your dick at the speed of light, right into the nurse's mouth, making her choke. This only makes you harder. A second wave comes out from your penis. All of this energy you have used up now makes your frail heart go into cardiac arrest. Your head begins to feel faint, and you see the nurse spluttering on the floor, gasping for air under your sickly cum. This is the last thing you see before you flat line. Death. The horniest thing of all. With shattering force, your corpse lets go one last shot of semen.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/qv0ooh