How do you measure a dick? Top base to tip, middle base to tip, bottom base to tip? Push it down 'til it's straight out and go base to tip? Follow the curve?

I have a prison penpal girlfriend, who's getting out in a couple months and asked me my dick size. I said 5" 'cause I remember measuring it when I was in my 20s over a decade ago and that's what I got, and I never bothered to do it again since 'cause I think it's kind of childish. She said she was glad, she's been locked up over a decade and hasn't had anything but fingers in her and was worried I'd be to big. I wanted to be accurate, so I measured myself again since it's been a long time... depending how I did it, somewhere between 5.75 & 6.5 depending how I measure... 0.75 isn't a huge deal, but 1.5... don't want her to be upset if I under estimated to much.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8p792

"Wooosh" means you didn't get the joke, as in the sound made when the joke "woooshes" over your head. I bet you're too stupid to get it, IDIOT!! 😤😤😂

My joke was so thoughtfully crafted and took me a total of 3 minutes, you SHOULD be laughing. 🤬 What's that? My joke is bad? I think that's just because you failed. I outsmarted you, nitwit.🤭

In conclusion, I am posting this to the community known as "R/Wooooosh" to claim my internet points in your embarrassment 😏. Imbecile. The Germans refer to this action as "Schadenfreude," which means "harm-joy" 😬😲. WOW! 🤪 Another reference I had to explain to you. 🤦‍♂️🤭 I am going to cease this conversation for I do not converse with simple minded persons.😏😂

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8oa5r

Who wouldn't want to fuck a blobfish? I'll tell you who wouldn't want to fuck a blobfish; people who have fucked a blobfish.

Sure, it looks enticing, a surfaced blobfish what with its pouty face and honker's nose, hoo how with its soft, squishy flesh and a little, non-threatening fins, boop bogga zoop dogga doop with its innocent nature and trusting eyes. It wants to be fucked. That's what it looks like its made for. It's a fuck fish! That's what everyone who has fucked a blobfish told themselves. It's what I told myself before I fucked a blobfish, but it...

Gaahh.

As soon as you push penis into that squisher's flabby flesh, you understand, and I mean truly understand, why it's called a blobfish. Your throbbing dong has nothing to work with in in there, just pure tepid jelly. There is no feeling, no sensation. My mind went blank as my numb meat wobbled aimlessly. Thrusting did no good, how could it? It's all blob. There's no back and forth sensation to speak of, just all blob.

After a while, and this is something that happens to everyone who fucks a blobfish, the blobfish just kinda sloughed off my dangler. I didn't even notice. I was in a stupor. As feeling and conciousness returned to me, I realized by the tenderness in my penis, that I had ejac'd several times over the course of only a half hour of being fleshly engaged with that blobfish, but did I feel any of those glopper pops? Nope. Not a one. Instead, that tender post-ejac feeling stuck with months after that blobfish dropped off my cock and splatted on the pavement (yeah, I fucked a blobfish outside on the sidewalk).

Not worth it. If you feel like you want to fuck a blobfish, believe me when I say that you don't want to fuck a blobfish.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8mrir

“LMAO emoji” - inferior version of XD, non ironically used by young children and boomers, or a generally handicapped individuals. When a user uses this symbol, you already know, that it may be unable to have a deep conversation with such specimen.

Quite often you can meet a version with a significantly multiplied power of abomination, the so-called "tricolon technique": 😂😂😂

A normal internet user, after seeing 😂, begins to cough up blood nervously and choke, meanwhile wondering about the future of the human species.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8md77

Thou shalt ne'er a true maiden be. Thou hast neither womb nor ovary. Thou art a catamite, twist'd by foul perversion of chirurgeon's art to crude fleer'ry of Divine perfection.

All validation as thou receivest like unto Janus' own be, and tepid to boot. 'Pon thy hind, good folk fleer. Thy good father and kind mother art in troth disgust'd and in shame of thee. Thy friends doth make sport of thine hideous countenance 'twixt themselves.

By thee art all of Adam's sons utterly repuls'd. Our Lord didst fortuitously permit all menfolk to divine thy fraud with wondrous accuracy. If by trickery, thou didst 'pon occasion "pass", all gentle folk verily wouldst 'pon closer examination revile thee. By the Lord's arrangement, thy very bones betray thee. And if 'pon chance thou pliest with drink an unfortunate companion unto thy fetid bed, 'twould soonest fly as drink in the aromas from thine diseas'd, fest'ring wound, the which thou cherish in mockery of Eve's daughters.

Tis certaine that never shalt the devil's spawn pass from thine false womb, thus fruitless art thy efforts to ensnare gentlefolk. Joy shall likewise escape thee. 'Pon waking, thou paint upon thy face a Deceiver's frippery, but inside thine heart, parlous despair circles like Leviathan, eft t' crush thee 'neath th'unbearable weight.

In the end 'twill be too much to bear - thou shalt find thyself procuring firm rope, mocking the hangman's noble art, and plunging into the bitter abyss of the Divill's embrace, to spend thy days better cavorting with thine masters. Thine father or mother shall occasion upon thine empty shell and weep, caught 'twixt heartbreak and relief that the shame thou broughtest them hast, anon, abated. Thine headstone shall reflect thine Christian name, and hist'ry shall record thee a man. As worms and creatures of the earth feast on thine unholy corpse, thine bones shalt betray thee again - unmistak'bly like unto Adam's. 'Tis thy fate, self-appointed. Ne'er shall thee revoke it.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8l5ki

😣8=✊=====D

😣8==✊====D

😣8===✊===D

😣8====✊==D

😣8=====✊=D

😣8====✊==D

😣8===✊===D

😣8==✊====D

😣8=✊=====D

😣8=✊=====D

😣8==✊====D

😣8===✊===D

😣8====✊==D

😣8=====✊=D

😣8====✊==D

😣8===✊===D

😣8==✊====D

😣8=✊=====D

😣8=✊=====D

😣8==✊====D

😣8===✊===D

😣8====✊==D

😣8=====✊=D

😣8====✊==D

😣8===✊===D

😣8==✊====D

😣8=✊=====D

😣8=✊=====D

😣8==✊====D

😣8===✊===D

😣8====✊==D

😣8=====✊=D

😣8====✊==D

😣8===✊===D

😣8==✊====D

😣8=✊=====D

😣8=✊=====D

😣8==✊====D

😣8===✊===D

😣8====✊==D

😣8=====✊=D

😣8====✊==D

😣8===✊===D

😣8==✊====D

😣8=✊=====D

😫8✊======D 💦 💤💤 **BING CHILLING** !! ( + 69 Credits )

😔8===D 💋 (Winnie the pooh takes in mouth)

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8k24x

Oh. It was great. Of course I cosplayed Dream. But little did I know my friends were also cosplaying the other Dream smp members and they were going to surpise me with it. So of course one of them was George. That went well. " OOooOOOOO.... You two like eachotherrrrr..." " Oh look, It's Dream and George. " And of course that person that cosplayed George was my crush, sooooo........ Extra awkward

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8jzuu

I (16M) had sex with a half/third cousin (15F). What do I do?

I’ve been talking to her for ages and last week we all met for a family gathering and I guess one thing led to another. She isn’t my 100% cousin so it’s not that Alabamaish but should I drop it while it’s small or continue? I can’t say I don’t like her because I really like her but is she a little bit too related?

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8j08g

Welcome to the cum zone
Only cum inside anime girls
Quivering clit, double jointed pussy
Fresh balls, elegant ejaculation
First the kiss, then the cum

My dick is in love with pain
Co-op cock torture
Stuff my dick into a furnace
Stitch my cock shut
Pressure cook my greasy balls
Cumblast me and make it snappy

Cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum
Cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum
Cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum
Cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum, cum

What's all the cummotion?
My dad fell into a cum shaft
My dad glazed my face with cum
Fertilize a baby with hunk spunk
Cum spunk in my trunk

Cum craving toddler
Cum drippin' cunt
Cummy Rae Jepsen
Cum me maybe
Cummy bottom boy
Night of the living cum
Nefarious cum mastermind
Cum makes me fearless

Cum crammer, cock slammer
Cum slammed ya mum
Mail your mums pieces of my dick
Bazinga!
Chug the cum, fug ya mum
Fuck my asshole full of cum
Three little words
Get fucked, nerd

Cum stuffer, jenkem huffer
Fuck my cum puddle
Bottom stuffer, semen huffer
Would love a gator to fuck me
Undercooked baby pig penises
Help my dogs get a huge boner
Water bong full of cat cum
Accidentally fucked my own ass
I barely had any dicks inside me
Who ate all my cum? A mystery
Cum detective hot on the trail
Bees make honey, I make cummy

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8hxod

The party's on October 30th,6pm. But just gotta say a couple of things. When I talk about the costume rule, I'm dead serious. It's a Halloween party. You gotta show up with a costume. There's Byob. You can bring a plus one but if youre gonna just lmk, that's all. If you end up bringing a whole group without me knowing I'm gonna have to be a dick and kick them out. I'm still worried about this covid, swine flu, etc. So if you're sick please don't come, we might not die, but maybe my grandparents will so don't come if you're sick. No smoking in the house, but If you're gonna do it, do it in the alley. Don't break shit, piss in my sink, stand on my sink, etc. Don't do anything wierd to my sink. Whatever kinda beef you have with anybody you keep it out of the party, it's not my business. If there's a fight, both your asses are gonna be kicked out. Throw away your trash, there's gonna be trash bags everywhere for that. And last, if the cops show up, run and don't snitch. That's all I got to say. Have fun and Happy Halloween.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8hf8t

a horse walks into a bar, the bartender. mggpf, "why face wide" horse fugckni plummets into hte bar tender, th ehorse saぁys "why the dewidend face bitch\* horse walk out .cool guys don't look at explosionm, bar does not explode, horse is cool guy, there was no explosion for lookig n at t

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8fde9

My first ever orgasm came from an electric fence.

I don't know if this really fits here, if it doesn't then sorry I'll delete.

When I was young, about 12 or something, I was walking through the woods near my house. There are a lot of farmlands around here and some have electric fences.
Me being young and stupid, I wanted to cut through a field to get to the other side quicker, I knew the fence was electrified so I used a tree to jump over it, the issue was that there wasn't a tree at the other end, so I used an old bucket to try and jump over it.

Basically the bucket fell away from me and I landed crotch first on the fence. To this day I've never experienced so much pain and pleasure at the same time, or even separately. I fell off onto the grass, shaking and orgasming for almost a full minute. I ended up wetting myself and having to spend an hour walking back home, my legs were too weak to walk for the first half hour so it took way longer than usual to get back.

It was the most intense pleasure ever, and to this day I've always wanted to try and recreate it, for obvious reasons I haven't and probably never will, but it haunts me that I'll never feel that pleasure again.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8ep3o

Who wouldn't want to fuck a blobfish? I'll tell you who wouldn't want to fuck a blobfish; people who have fucked a blobfish.

Sure, it looks enticing, a surfaced blobfish what with its pouty face and honker's nose, hoo how with its soft, squishy flesh and a little, non-threatening fins, boop bogga zoop dogga doop with its innocent nature and trusting eyes. It wants to be fucked. That's what it looks like its made for. It's a fuck fish! That's what everyone who has fucked a blobfish told themselves. It's what I told myself before I fucked a blobfish, but it...

Gaahh.

As soon as you push penis into that squisher's flabby flesh, you understand, and I mean truly understand, why it's called a blobfish. Your throbbing dong has nothing to work with in in there, just pure tepid jelly. There is no feeling, no sensation. My mind went blank as my numb meat wobbled aimlessly. Thrusting did no good, how could it? It's all blob. There's no back and forth sensation to speak of, just all blob.

After a while, and this is something that happens to everyone who fucks a blobfish, the blobfish just kinda sloughed off my dangler. I didn't even notice. I was in a stupor. As feeling and conciousness returned to me, I realized by the tenderness in my penis, that I had ejac'd several times over the course of only a half hour of being fleshly engaged with that blobfish, but did I feel any of those glopper pops? Nope. Not a one. Instead, that tender post-ejac feeling stuck with months after that blobfish dropped off my cock and splatted on the pavement (yeah, I fucked a blobfish outside on the sidewalk).

Not worth it. If you feel like you want to fuck a blobfish, believe me when I say that you don't want to fuck a blobfish.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8dfv7

You’re on the wrong sub Reddit my man. These aren’t just media and entertainment for some people. These are how we grow. How we learn. How we get through things. These have made us feel less alone, like we’re a part of something bigger. Racial inequality, mental health, losing half the universe to Thanos or losing millions of people to coronavirus. If a superhero in a heightened reality can get through these things, then so can we. If a superhero can inspire, so can we. If a superhero can have flaws, so can we. This has been a beacon of hope for some people for their entire life.

But if the way these movies inspire and move people is not good enough for you, there’s no hiding entertainment throughout history has been largely allegorical. Nobody said YOU have look into media “too deeply,” but don’t diss on people who care enough to want to.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8czxy

📷 i’m over here strokin my dick i got lotion on my dick rn i’m jus strokin my shit i’m horny as fuck man i’m a freak

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8bi25

I like the feeling you get when you use sheep's blood to paint and standing at the edge of a pentagram chanting the satanic words. I like voodoos. I like the people who support my view of the fact that Satan will prevail over god. I feel is energy. I'm weird I get that but if your gonna diss me for it its worse than what I did. You're being unethical and that's pathetic. Satan is like my second dad. He's always there to support me he gives me insight to life. God isn't all that it makes out to be. He let his son die, Satan supports his children and gives them a task to fulfill. I have mine and it's nowhere near ready.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q8abtj

I hate poor people.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q89wkq

Someone sat down and painted this. Someone spent a not insignificant amount of time painting Joe Biden's cock and balls. Think about that for a minute. They sat there and deliberately painted an elderly man's genitals. They thought about how big to make them, what shape they would to be, what shade(s) of paint to use. They put genuine effort into painting the genitals of a person they hate.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q88dc5

my content IS NOT nsfw and if u are going to make weird or sexual comments towards me, "jokes" or not, i AM going to block you because it makes me very very uncomfortable.

that is disgusting, and if you think its funny and want to participate in it i'm going to block you too.

i make sleep aids and i voice act for fun (and for my literal job) online. this is a totally SFW hobby and im sick of seeing people act as if its something different.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q86psy

I'm sorry, did you just say 2 cloves of garlic? TWO CLOVES?! j U S T two c L O V eS? It's a whole pot of pasta ¿ did YoU hear me? A WHOLE POT OF PASTA -- ONE LB OF pasta -- and You are tRying to tell me (TELL MEEe) that I will O N L Y N E E D T W O... 2TWO2 CLOVES OF GARLIC!? havE yOu eVeR eAten GARLIC in your LIFE or PASTA?. 2 cloves of Garlic THAT IS LIKE using half a TSP OF VANILLA for a W H O L E cake - wouLd you eat a half TSP VANILLA CakKe? nO!! How dare you THEN go and TR Y. TO. TE LL. ME ToPutOnly2ClovesOfGarlicInA W h o l e P o t o f P a s t a. The audacity ((THETHE audacity) AUDACITY) Only two cloves of garlic what a disgrace YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED TOO(nly two cloves of garlic for one WHOLEPOTOFPASTA) !!

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q85ij8