It was a normal day and I was going to the toilet to take a shit. I started pooping, and then felt I had diarrhea. Great, now cleaning my butthole will take forever. So I wait until I stop shitting, but then, very strangely, the amount of shit that came out was an unusual lot. I look behind me to see how much of the toilet was filled up, and to my absolute surprise, it was halfway. My shit started coming out faster. I flushed my toilet, but it was no use. The toilet was clogged from all the shit that is trying to move out of it. As if my day couldn't get any worse, the splash created by the water from the flushing splashed my butt, so that was nice. I knew I had no other choice but to go grab a bucket to shit in there, fully knowing that the nearest bucket was about 6 meters away, which would mean walking around the house, still ejecting diarrhea. The shit cannon grew so strong that when I turned around, it kept me spinning. I tried to hold on to something, but I was already spinning too fast. My family heard the commotion and came to check on me, only to be splattered by a (literal) shitstorm. They ran for their safety while my spinning was growing completely out of control. The force created by me spinning around started to pull me upwards, and it was getting faster and faster every second. The ceiling and roof were no match for the beyblade of shit that penetrated them. I went into the sky, where the amount of shit spewing out of me had became so much and at such a speed that it created a massive hurricane. While I somehow stopped rising, I didn't stop spinning, let alone shitting. I would hit the news a few days later. They are warning nearby people to stay inside if they don't want massive globs of diarrhea all over their body. People are trying to stop the hurricane of poop, but it was too fast, and every helicopter that tried to get close was immediately shredded. I would become a shit hurricane for all eternity, earning the nickname ''the pooping hurricane''.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q476fu

Instagram down again. Mark Zuckerberg prepare yourself to loose another 7 million dollars, this is the end of your empire, everything for what you've worked it's tumbling down. Farewell Mark, it was good while it lasted, bye.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q4618u

*Let's say you've been a bad girl. Let's say, hypothetically, you've been a naughty girl even. Ok, and if you were a naughty girl, you would be my dirty little slut right? Then hypothetically speaking, you would be my little cumslut. Now, let's say you're also daddy's tiny girl.*

*Now that we have established that you are both a bad girle and daddy's girl, I believe you'd agree with me when I say that you deserve a spanking. Am I not correct? A bad girl deserves a spanking, and as I am daddy, you are my girl, so I am the one who must provide punishment.*

(seen on reddit)

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q44p44

I have a medical condition which I thought made me completely infertile. This has been very difficult for me to deal with, not only not being able to have kids, but also not being able to ejaculate or so I thought. Last week while while messing around I ejaculated to my complete surprise. Since then I have been able a few more times. I have no one in my life that I can talk to about this or even my medical condition and I just needed to let it out. To anyone out there who thinks they may have a medical condition similar to mine please go see a doctor! The sooner your doctor can start helping you the better it will be for you. Don't be like me and wait many years before seeing a doctor out of embarrassment.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q4434j

*Uncle Ben had been watching over Peter ever since the accident and he watched him grow into a fine young man and he noticed changes in Peter BIG changes*

*Ben wondered how Peter fit that big thing in his suit without making an imprint. All he could think about was how Mary Jane was lucky that when she took the suit off she was met with a an Avengers Level sized threat right before her very own eyes.On nights when Mary Jane had to get research for an article Peter was alone and took care of his "needs" Ben would watch yearning for what he could not have. Towards the end right before Peter released his webs from his throbbing girthy web slinger Ben would whisper "Spray me with your webs Peter" because Ben knew while Peter had a "Great power" he had the great responsibility of taming the monster that lied dormant in his nephew's suit.*
.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q42xdp

I'm not gay but I'm Swedish and have a fantasy where Germany win World War 2 and have to export Aryan twink boipussy slaves to high ranking SS officers for pleasure, I imagine i'm a shy little blonde twink with smooth pale skin and being brought into Komedant Heinrich's bedroom to give him pleasure, He is a tall broad shoulders Kraut with a jawline that could cut a diamond and with massive daddy muscles and i'm a pathetic little skinny boipussy twink, He pulls me into his arms force kissing me and pressing my chest against his, he pins me down on the bed tearing my cute lil virgin panties off, he has waited for this for a long time, he teases my boipussy with his massive thicc German cock and then he goes all in.

Fucking me with a force i've never felt before, every thrust makes me moan with pleasure, and i'm loving the fact that i'm giving him pleasure.

He cums deep into my sissy Swede guts, breeding my booty hole then he cuddles me with his strong masculine German arms until I fall asleep on his chest, any other straight guys have similar fantasies?

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q40z1u

Hello. My nam Rashid. I am 22 years old from Pakistan. Sorry if my England is bad, my native language is hindi.
I have question and I **NEED** answer quik!!!
So I was dreaming last nigt and I dreamed about how I had the sex with the famos actres Mahnoor Baloch. Because I had sex with her in dream, does that mean I lost virginity or am I still virgin???????? I am not married and if I lose virginity before marrige allah will punish me...
Please answer me scared


\-Rashid Abadulla the second

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q402e6

I'm not gay but I'm Swedish and have a fantasy where Germany win World War 2 and have to export Aryan twink boipussy slaves to high ranking SS officers for pleasure, I imagine i'm a shy little blonde twink with smooth pale skin and being brought into Komedant Heinrich's bedroom to give him pleasure, He is a tall broad shoulders Kraut with a jawline that could cut a diamond and with massive daddy muscles and i'm a pathetic little skinny boipussy twink, He pulls me into his arms force kissing me and pressing my chest against his, he pins me down on the bed tearing my cute lil virgin panties off, he has waited for this for a long time, he teases my boipussy with his massive thicc German cock and then he goes all in.

Fucking me with a force i've never felt before, every thrust makes me moan with pleasure, and i'm loving the fact that i'm giving him pleasure.

He cums deep into my sissy Swede guts, breeding my booty hole then he cuddles me with his strong masculine German arms until I fall asleep on his chest, any other straight guys have similar fantasies?

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q3yjom

He is overweight & sits down to pee. The pee splashes out between from the opening between the rim and the toilet seat. How to I get this to stop? He says he doesnt know how to stop peeing on the floor :( I know there are splash gaurds but is there any other way?

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q3xbvz

It’s not like we have any choice, like anyone else. We’re straight because we’re born that way, same as a lgbtq member. We like who we like and it’s not our fault. To be shit on for that is the exact same as what they want to stop. It makes no sense. Whether we’ve been killed over it or been declared mentally ill, it isn’t the fault of us. So yes, it needs to fucking stop.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q3ww9o

What is it about this fucking goat that awakens my inner caveman. fucking dammit, I've had no interest in males, real or fictional, until this fluffy, huggable, submissive, sweet, twinky little fucking goatboy started catching my attention. This picture encapsulates everything about him that makes me want to pin him down, give him a tongue bath, and milk his (not-so) little wang until he sees fucking stars. His face, drooling, panting, begging, desperate for sweet release. I can practically hear him crying out, begging for some tender loving care. The blush, the drool, those glazed, watery, hot pink irises, all of it is making my inner caveman go apeshit. I can imagine him screaming my name, squealing airy cries of "I love you!' between desperate gasps for breath. And that cock... holy shit, the terrible, unspeakable things I would do to it. Ignoring the fact that it's a damn street bollard, it looks so.. perfect. I'm not a sub by any means, and this is no different. I don't want to kneel in front of Ralsei begging or any of that cringe shit (He probably doesn't like topping or domming anyway. he's just too sweet and submissive). I want to tease that thing until there's tears running down his face. It's immaculate. Perfect. No smegma or over detailed wrinkles or fucking dialysis patient veins in sight. Just soft, beautiful, silky skin on a gorgeous shaft, growing pinker and even more tender towards the top. Imagine just running your fingers along it's contours, hearing him coo and whimper as your fingers tease him. And holy mother of hades, look at the bottom. You know what I'm talking about; the soft underbelly of the beast that surrounds his urethra. Apparently, it's called the Corpus Spongiosum in medical terms. Well, whatever the fuck it's called, I want to fucking ruin it. Look at how much it bulges out, like there's so much cum in there that he'll explode if you so much as blow on it. I want to rub it. Feel the hardness of his shaft against my thumb, contrasted beautifully by the softness and tenderness of the underbelly against my fingertips. Run my lips along it and suckle it while he's on his back, moaning helplessly with my hair caught in matted knots between his clutching, shaking, dainty fingers. Look at his glans, man. It looks so fucking tender and delicate that a feather could leave an indent in it. Just think of how soft it is, your tongue flicking wildly at it, pressing it and getting under it, licking "under the hood" and sending his beautiful pink eyes to the back of his skull. Look at that little bead of his fluids dripping down along the creases of the top of his foreskin. He must be so fucking sensitive that just a few drops running along his length brings his knees against each other. I want to edge him and edge him and edge him until the room is fucking ankle deep in his precum. I want to hear him whimper as I pet and stroke and tickle, and caress his length, hour after hour, day after day, until finally I take him, swallowing his tongue and his ecstasy as I make him explode. I want to make him cum. I want to make him cum until one of us fucking dies, man. I wouldn't get inside his soft, fluffy goat boi butt until I know I can't hold myself in anymore and I need to fill him with my affections. Until then I want to milk him. Tie him down on the bed and make him spurt upwards like a fountain, working my hands up and down and feeling his penis pulsate over and over again. Or maybe if the frame is tall enough I'd take the mattress off, tie him face down and milk him from underneath. Press my thumb and index finger around the base of his dick so his cum builds up, so when he gets close and that lovely melting feeling comes over him, it doesn't hit a crescendo, Not right away. Instead, the melting only gets more intense, the feeling of his body welling up with pleasure now overflowing to the point where he just can't contain it. I want to hear him beg for sweet release as my lips and my tongue continue tormenting him, pleading for orgasm as that melting arm gets deeper and more intense than he could have ever imagined, reaching his very core and making him flat out cry with arousal and pure, unimaginable need. then I would release him and feel his delicious length contracting with his joy, pulsating in my mouth and against my fingers with so much force it feels like it would force my jaws open. and then I'd do it again. And again and again and again as he drifts in an out of consciousness, his words slurred, his cheeks soaked in his tears, and his cock continually at my mercy. He would not be safe from me. The moment he would see me, he would know that little gown of his is coming off, and that gorgeous cock is getting attention. Fuck Susie, Kris, Berdley, and Noelle and whatever notions of "privacy," "timing" or "decency" they have. I'd fucking do it in front of them (just not Lancer though. He's still just a little kid). With whatever magic I could learn, I would make a velvet-lined box and a ring, put the ring around his dong, and connect it with the box so that his dick is there inside, tangible and beautiful as it is on his very person. He'd still have it, and he'd see it whenever he'd go to the bathroom or undress, but he'd see the indentations left by my fingers whenever I play with him. I would not leave him alone. I'd constantly open the box and go to town, sucking, licking, jerking, and just adoring him until I've had my fill. I'd take it out in the bathroom during lunchbreak and give him a quick orgasm. I'd take it out in the shower and run it under the showerhead in massage mode. I'd fucking cuddle with it at night, just holding it close and rubbing it against my cheeks, nuzzling it and planting loving kisses all along it. Him and his sweet little face and his soft supple butt and, his beautiful, perfect fucking penis would be all mine. No Homo, of course

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q3vko4

*First of all Im on a phone writing this in a basement where my kidnappers are currently holding me so forgive me for any mistakes.*

So starting from the beggining I (89M) was having a nice dinner with my wife of 10 years (18F), my younger daughter (34F) and my son (0M) when suddenly a window crashed and 4 sexy black big muscular men(7M) (90M) (69M) (666M) apppeared.
They (7M) (90M)  then  held me (89M) down while (69M) (666M) poited a gun at my wife (18F) and yeeted my younger daughter (34F) and my son (0M).

They (69M) (666M) threatened my family's(0M) (18F) (34F) life for money which may I (89M)say was very classist since they (69M) (666M) just assumed I (89M) had money just because they (69M) (666M) saw I (89M) had a five floor mansion but anyways, I (89M) was very pissed since they (69M) (666M) threatned my (89M) family so I (89M) decided to yell at them (69M) (666M) to not kill my family.

This made the kinappers (7M) (90M) (69M) (666M) cry and my wife (18F) gave me (89M) a dirty look while looking disapointed. Not only that but my son (0M) came back to my (89M) mansiom and cursed me (89M) out for doing that.

After this the kidnappers  (69M) (666M) killed my (89M) family and put me (89M) in the basement  but now Im (89M) very confused if I (89M) was an asshole or not. So Reddit, redditors and redditoras, am I the asshole?

Edit: The people who are saying im making this up are trully whats wrong in this earth. I havent called 911 cause I wanted to know if I was an asshole or not.

Edit: ok, to the people saying I should have given them money for killing my family I have come to the realization that I really shouldve done that. I am now giving my mansion to the kidnappers.

Edit: Yes I made a mistake in the title. Its family not famly. Im sorry.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q3v266

I was just in my bed, jacking off and suddenly my grandma just opens the door and stares directly at me. She had brought some clothes and wanted to know if they were mine. I, as fast as possible, pulled away my "aa-battery", and just shouted at her "What?" (Very annoyed). She left my clothes on my chair and left the room. But before she closed the door, she winked at me.

This was all I needed to know. She knew. She knew exactly what I was doing, and I feel so embarrassed that if I were to die of a heart attack, I would thank God for letting me skip the dinner.

I should add that none in my family is really religious.

Anyway, thank you for reading this monstrosity of a post. I'll now go and watch youtube, hoping to forget this experience.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q3u45v

As an automobile traveler, I often travel in my automobile, so I think I can contribute old chum. I was once traveling in my automobile, as automobile travelers do, and whilst my automatic mobile vehicle was conveying me in my travels, I espied a damsel by the wayside. I offered her conveyance in my automobile motor carriage for traveling, and she was grateful to that end.

It was not before long at all that we reached a nearby spooky town, seeing as we were traveling rapidly in my automated mobility horseless carriage for travel purposes. The lady directed me to a dilapidated old farm, and when I pulled in to the driveway to park my old mechanized traveling motorized jalopy, by Jove the woman had vanished!

Completely nonplused, I found myself knocking at the door of the farmhouse and a very old man answered. I asked if the woman lived there, having learned her name in our traveling conversations whilst being automatically whisked across the land by way of my engined horseless carriage, and goodness gracious I was floored by what the man said next: "Why she's been dead for over 40 years!"

As you can imagine, I transported my self post haste away from there with great speed, very glad to be an automobile traveler in possession of a very fast auto-mechanical locomotion vehicle meant for traveling!

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q3u67i

Holy fucking shit. I want to bang Yoimiya so goddamn bad. I can't stand it anymore. Every time I go to Naganohara Fireworks I get a massive erection. I've seen literally every rule 34 post there is of her online. My dreams are nothing but constant fucking sex with Yoimiya.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q3t7li

Koalas are fucking horrible animals. They have one of the smallest brain to body ratios of any mammal, additionally - their brains are smooth. A brain is folded to increase the surface area for neurons. If you present a koala with leaves plucked from a branch, laid on a flat surface, the koala will not recognise it as food. They are too thick to adapt their feeding behaviour to cope with change. In a room full of potential food, they can literally starve to death. This is not the token of an animal that is winning at life. Speaking of stupidity and food, one of the likely reasons for their primitive brains is the fact that additionally to being poisonous, eucalyptus leaves (the only thing they eat) have almost no nutritional value. They can't afford the extra energy to think, they sleep more than 80% of their fucking lives. When they are awake all they do is eat, shit and occasionally scream like fucking satan. Because eucalyptus leaves hold such little nutritional value, koalas have to ferment the leaves in their guts for days on end. Unlike their brains, they have the largest hind gut to body ratio of any mammal. Many herbivorous mammals have adaptations to cope with harsh plant life taking its toll on their teeth, rodents for instance have teeth that never stop growing, some animals only have teeth on their lower jaw, grinding plant matter on bony plates in the tops of their mouths, others have enlarged molars that distribute the wear and break down plant matter more efficiently... Koalas are no exception, when their teeth erode down to nothing, they resolve the situation by starving to death, because they're fucking terrible animals. Being mammals, koalas raise their joeys on milk (admittedly, one of the lowest milk yields to body ratio... There's a trend here). When the young joey needs to transition from rich, nourishing substances like milk, to eucalyptus (a plant that seems to be making it abundantly clear that it doesn't want to be eaten), it finds it does not have the necessary gut flora to digest the leaves. To remedy this, the young joey begins nuzzling its mother's anus until she leaks a little diarrhoea (actually fecal pap, slightly less digested), which he then proceeds to slurp on. This partially digested plant matter gives him just what he needs to start developing his digestive system. Of course, he may not even have needed to bother nuzzling his mother. She may have been suffering from incontinence. Why? Because koalas are riddled with chlamydia. In some areas the infection rate is 80% or higher. This statistic isn't helped by the fact that one of the few other activities koalas will spend their precious energy on is rape. Despite being seasonal breeders, males seem to either not know or care, and will simply overpower a female regardless of whether she is ovulating. If she fights back, he may drag them both out of the tree, which brings us full circle back to the brain: Koalas have a higher than average quantity of cerebrospinal fluid in their brains. This is to protect their brains from injury... should they fall from a tree. An animal so thick it has its own little built in special ed helmet. I fucking hate them.

Tldr; Koalas are stupid, leaky, STI riddled sex offenders. But, hey. They look cute. If you ignore the terrifying snake eyes and terrifying feet.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q3ryd0

I love books And this basement is a true treasure trove

I am the Glob-glo-gab-galab The shwabble-dabble-wabble-gabble flibba blabba blab I'm full of shwibbly liber-kind I am the yeast of thoughts and minds

Shwabble dabble glibble glabble schribble shwap glab Dibble dabble shribble shrabble glibbi-glap shwap Shwabble dabble glibble glabble shwibble shwap-dap Dibble dabble shribble shrabble glibbi-shwap glab

Ooh, ha ha ha, mmm, splendid Simply delicious Ohm, ha ha ha ha

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q3r037

Women of sexxit(18F) , what is the most sexual sexy sex sex sexual sexy sexual sexual sexiest sexier sex sexual sexual sexy sex sex sexual sexy sexual sexies(47F)t sexier sex sexual sexual sexy sex sex sexual sexy sexual sexiest sexier sex sexual sexual sexy sex sex sexual sexy sexual sexiest sexier sex sexual sexual sexy sex sex sexual sexy sexual sexiest sexier sex sexual sexual sexy sex sex sexual sexy sexual sexiest sexier sex sexual sexu(28F)al sexy sex sex sexual sexy sexual sexiest sexier sex sexual (56M)sexual sexy sex sex sexual sexy sexual sexiest sexier sex sexual sexual sexy sex sex sexual sexy sexual sexiest sexier sex sexual sexual sexy sex sex sexual sexy sexual sexiest sexier sex sexual sexual sexy sex sex sexual sexy sexual (45m) sex

Thing you have ever done to an antisocial 36 year old man living with his parents and spends 16 hours a day browsing reddit?

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q3qouy

She's a tank and has a really good Taunt ability. I already have LeBron James and Tune Squad Bugs Bunny and I think it will make a good addition to the team.

I also am pretty close to getting Daffy Hood and he seems to be a good character.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q3pjfb

I was just in my bed, jacking off and suddenly my grandma just opens the door and stares directly at me. She had brought some clothes and wanted to know if they were mine. I, as fast as possible, pulled away my "aa-battery", and just shouted at her "What?" (Very annoyed). She left my clothes on my chair and left the room. But before she closed the door, she winked at me.

This was all I needed to know. She knew. She knew exactly what I was doing, and I feel so embarrassed that if I were to die of a heart attack, I would thank gGod for letting me skip the dinner.

I should add that none in my family is really religious.

Anyway, thank you for reading this monstrosity of a post. I'll now go and watch youtube, hoping to forget this experience.

Source: https://old.reddit.com/q3p6n6