Ants, horses, eagles . . . And us. While most creatures’ anuses do their jobs with little fuss, not so with human beings. The design of our anus is Providence’s little joke to keep us humble.

Consider, for example, the horse. We live across from a horse breeding establishment so I’ve had ample opportunity to observe these estimable animals in action. While they shit copiously they never get any on their hair (when was the last time you saw a horse’s behind fouled by its own waste?). The reason for this lies in the design of the horse anus. It is an extensible device that, when a BM is about to pass, protrudes a few critical inches, allowing the manure to drop straight to the ground without mussing a single hair. To further forfend fouling, there is no hair in the immediate vicinity of the horse’s anus, nor on the extensible process itself. What a remarkable design.

Not so with us. Our small orifice is buried deep in a meaty cleft, the margins of which have to be spread to their limit if there is to be any chance the thicket of long, nasty hair in the cleft will not be fouled by the passing of stool — a vain exercise in 99 cases out of 100. Moreover, while the horse can defaecate while standing, just let a human being try that! No we must squat. But not only squat, we must go through all sorts of contortions to minimize the amount of feces that will cling to the surrounding parts — which, as we all know, is another futile exercise.

To accommodate our flawed design, we are taught from birth to use wads of paper, magazine pages, dried corncobs and even stones, to wipe our filthy behinds. And this we must do! If we did not wipe, we would reek of dung from the cake of dingleberries between our cheeks and our pants, skirts, caftans and burkas, would be fouled with nicotine stains and clouds of flies would follow us down the street like goslings.

We are the most wretched of all creatures.

DO NOT EAT PRINGLES FAT FREE POTATO CHIPS. THEY WILL GREASE YOUR BUTT.
Don't even say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get more fat (hush all of you).

I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. The hell.

The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont freaking tell you...

Except in tiny print you cant read without a damn electron microscope

...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Butt Grease."

Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding.

So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live only with my husband, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow.

Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes crappi g yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the Holy Hell?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then?

So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. Before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You Pringle bastards.

I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff.

The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole damn roll of TP and could not get it all off me. Soooo.

I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean.

That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so damn foul! The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage.

So I grabbed the bar of saop and went to work.

You Pringle bastards.

The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get this damn grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that stuff again.

Pringle bastards.

This is where the joke about "anal leakage" came from. its real. To Hell with Pringles.

What the fuck is wrong with you people. Seriously. Like what actually damaged your brain to get you to this point. You all sit here on this fucking subreddit, jerking yourselves off to your own “amazing” humor as the world fucking burns around us. Fuck you. You literally have no idea how to respond to replies, because your brain has shriveled up and died in the pursuit of stupid “Knooks” and “Il Vaticano” jokes. En Passant isn’t funny. How have so many people had their sense of humor so destroyed by a semi-obscure chess rule to the point that you invent entirely new ones just to keep your sick jokes going, like a druggie needing another hit. You people have literally no conception of original humor. “New response just dropped” is your sad, pathetic attempt to retake control of the conversation for stupid internet points. Watch this, people are going to reply to this comment with “New response just dropped,” because it is all you have, it is this subs last futile attempt at humor. So please, if you fell the compulsion to do that, kindly take yourself and your fucking pathetic Chess jokes straight to Hell.

I loved the kitties, titties, AND the eyes, but that's not all. You've always had this like super sexy librarian type look to you. Not the nerdy, but hot kind. The hot, but hot kind. The kind that's almost too hot to be a librarian / teacher because it's distracting. Then add in your womanly features (I'm fucked up so I'm TRYING to be tactful), which by the way are incredibly complimentary to your natural beauty and | don't think anyone could focus on their studies because they'd be studying you. Honestly, and I wholeheartedly apologize if this crosses any boundaries, but | naturally want to know what everyone looks like naked. Everyone. There are NO exceptions. However, the more beautiful the soul, the more beautiful the face, and the more beautiful the body... the greater the intensity of that natural curiosity becomes and you are beautiful in all 3 facets so you can imagine how curious I am in regards to what you look like sans clothing. If you should ever get the urge to be an exhibitionist and would like to show yourself off to someone you know will not only appreciate it, but give you a plethora of compliments, please feel free to share with me at any time. I'm not asking for them (unless that will actually facilitate me satiating my curiosity). I'm planting the seed and letting you know that I've always been extraordinarily curious about your womanly features.

Fellas, is it gay to love your son? I mean, think about it, you're spending time with another dude, sharing emotions, hugging, and saying "I love you" regularly. That's pretty gay if you ask me!

And what about those father-son trips where you go camping and share a tent? Sounds pretty sus to me. And let's not forget about all the times you've helped him get dressed or tied his shoelaces. That's some serious intimacy!

But it's not just about the physical stuff. Mentally, you're also connecting with another man on a deep level. You're nurturing him, supporting him, and guiding him through life. That's like the ultimate bromance!

My farts sound like a seal clapping

I got sick of having dry poo tangling up my butthole hairs and my wife told me it was a turnoff looking at them when we did the 69er. So I started using hair removal cream in my ass.
Now, here's my issue. I absolutely love the clean feeling but it does seriously weird shit to my farts. Theyve gone from sounding like a broken french horn to sounding like someone's blowing bubbles in custard or two bits of meat slapping together. The worse thing is, the bubbles seem to get trapped and I need to wiggle my ass cheeks to release them. Sometimes I can do a little fart and i can still feel a trapped bubble hours later if i dont release it. After a while my brain plays tricks and it feels like a nugget of shit. What's really off-putting is when I do a big fart and rather than blasting out straight, it sneaks its way out from the top of my asscrack or from the most frontward facing part of my asscrack tickling my ball hairs on its way out.
I'm hoping as it starts to grow out I'll get my trusty old fart sound back.

You have got to be joking. You utter dimwit, you absolute bumbling fool. Do you have not even the slightest conscious idea of the negligent atrocity you have committed? Some may consider your mistake unforgivable. I would be one of those people. You dare to hold up what is clearly not an Optimus Prime toothbrush, and state that it is? Downright salacious falsehood. This is a near ruination of what is regarded as a perfect, magnificent character. I will not stand for this disrespect to his name.

To recap, since your troglodyte fetus underdeveloped brain clearly needs it, that tooth brush is not Optimus Prime.
If you had even the slightest hint of literate abilities, you would be able to glance at the packaging and read that it clearly states the true characters name “Bumblebee” in bold letters. Bumblebee is arguably even more recognizable than Optimus, but I wouldn’t expect you to have caught that given what it looks like your iq would be. I understand that for a non-observant washout such as yourself this may be difficult, but by taking things slowly it may be possible.

Even excusing the fact that you are the epitome of a damp squib, a born loser, I can not forgive this monumental blunder. Much like how I cannot erase your unsightly face from my primary memory. I am not normally one to jab at looks, but truly it is such a low hanging fruit how could I not bite? I got a feeling of true trepidation when I caught a glimpse of your reptilian resembling mug in my peripheral. Some would even call your face grotesque, and I pity whatever doctor had to hand such an unprepossessing and downright disagreeable looking goblin to the unlucky wench who birthed you. I pity them because truly, I would be at a loss for words on how to break it to this mother that “yes, I’m sorry, this is what came out of you,”. Your birth alone is a deeper insult to your mother than any words I could utter.

Perhaps I would be more forgiving, had you not looked so confident in your ignorance. You’re dense unintelligent smile as you stare directly at the camera and announce the most brainless statement I have ever encountered in my many years truly was enough to drive me to the edge. Even giving you the benefit of the doubt and thinking that maybe you said that for convenience of the videos theme, the drink known as “Prime”, twisting the truth to fit your narrative is vile no matter the reasoning.

I am truly at a loss for how you could manage to surprise even the likes of me with your simple mindedness. This video is an insult to both Optimus Prime and the disrespected victim Bumblebee.

I will be expecting a formal apology for your downright cretinous, imbecile supporting activities. And it must include tears.
Lastly, you have 24 hours to delete your account before I take further action.

Firstly we look into her ass.Such a curved ball that you’d want to squish you face into and as well nut which I could obliterate that 12.57 cm large ass according to my calculations. A very cummable section of Jenna’s body but the following are a better and more satisfying nut.

Next we come to her milkers. Very much arousing as my nut would outmatch her milk per minute (3.37) acording to my calculations. I could nut all day without rest in this beautiful cummable mommy milkers which I’d breed with her for many years.

Finally, how much cum protein per second can her face handle?
Look at this jarring nuttable face which you’d atleast loose a gazillion babies at this facially cummable face and the most nuttable part of her body.

Like follow and Rt for more threads like this 👍

You, who read this crap, have no idea what kind of danger I pose to you like chmonks. The bastards who are afraid of mobilization - you, at all, should not be afraid of it. Day after day, I work on my body, chiseling and carving it into an unstoppable killing machine. And the time will come when no laws will protect you, parasites, creatures. That's when you will feel real, genuine fear for your asses, which I will tear like newspapers (now I can crack nuts with my fingers with one hand. And this is me - I just started)

That is so funny to read.

I actually laughed so hard I hurt my balls, I fear my nose might fall off if I don’t stop. Tears are running down my face, no noise is coming out anymore, I’m just sitting here clapping like a demented seal on crack. I’d try and stop, but I look at the figures and just start off again. Apple pie has started coming out of my nose, dribble is everywhere , I’ve certainly leaked a fair amount of wee, but I just can’t stop laughing.

Anyways my bus is due so I’d better finish up in McDonalds. Thanks for the laffs tho.

I used to to make black mii characters and call them poo

Sorry for bad English i am horribly serious. I used google translate for most sentences

When I was around 10 years old I would regularly go to my cousin house due to my aunt and dad being siblings. My cousin had a wii and we would always play Mario kart or Zelda. Until my cousin showed me mii. Since then every time I went to his house I asked him which miis he made and we would makes funny miis together.
Look now I was 10 years old and didn’t really understand racism and so I only associated brown with poo because poo poo haha funny.
So then I came up with the funniest thing ever: make a poo person. So I made him dark brown. Gave him the poo head shape and proceeded to put on the ugliest facial features ever and laugh historically with my cousin. I also made him very short and fat because it was funny. Then I named him poo, gave him a brown shirt and his birthday was April 1st of course.

And that is the end

Fuck 😭😭😭😭 I was sitting in bed and I have a nightstand next to me. My body pillow (it's all black, I'm not a weirdo) was next to my bed, and I had a cup of water on it. I had a book under my pillow, so I reached to put it on my nightstand, and the water went all over my body pillow. Imma kms 😭😭😭😭😭

LEGALIZE NUCLEAR BOMBS!!!

💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣💣

SWAG MESSIAH

💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥

BEES

🐝

MAKE

👏

HONEY

🍯

Infinite cum. You sit on the toilet to jack off, but you begin to cum uncontrollably. After ten spurts you start to worry. Your hand is sticky and it reeks of semen. You desperately shove your dick into a wad of toilet paper, but that only makes your balls hurt. The cum accelerates. It’s been three minutes. You can’t stop cumming. Your bathroom floor is covered in a thin layer of baby fluid. You try to cum into the shower drain but it builds up too fast. You try the toilet. The cum is too thick to be flushed. You lock the bathroom door to prevent the cum from escaping. The air grows hot and humid from the cum. The cum accelerates. You slip and fall in your own sperm. The cum is now six inches deep, almost as long as your still-erect semen hose. Sprawled on your back, you begin to cum all over the ceiling. Globs of the sticky white fluid begin to fall like raindrops, giving you a facial with your own cum. The cum accelerates. You struggle to stand as the force of the cum begins to propel you backwards as if you were on a bukkake themed slip-and-slide. Still on your knees, the cum is now at chin height. To avoid drowning you open the bathroom door. The deluge of man juice reminds you of the Great Molasses Flood of 1919, only with cum instead of molasses. The cum accelerates. It’s been two hours. Your children and wife scream in terror as their bodies are engulfed by the snow-white sludge. Your youngest child goes under, with viscous bubbles and muffled cries rising from the goop. You plead to God to end your suffering. The cum accelerates. You squeeze your dick to stop the cum, but it begins to leak out of your asshole instead. You let go. The force of the cum tears your urethra open, leaving only a gaping hole in your crotch that spews semen. Your body picks up speed as it slides backwards along the cum. You smash through the wall, hurtling into the sky at thirty miles an hour. From a bird’s eye view you see your house is completely white. Your neighbor calls the cops. The cum accelerates. As you continue to ascend, you spot police cars racing towards your house. The cops pull out their guns and take aim, but stray loads of cum hit them in the eyes, blinding them. The cum accelerates. You are now at an altitude of 1000 feet. The SWAT team arrives. Military helicopters circle you. Hundreds of bullets pierce your body at once, yet you stay conscious. Your testicles have now grown into a substitute brain. The cum accelerates. It has been two days. With your body now destroyed, the cum begins to spray in all directions. You break the sound barrier. The government deploys fighter jets to chase you down, but the impact of your cum sends one plane crashing to the ground. The government decides to let you leave the earth. You feel your gonads start to burn up as you reach the edges of the atmosphere. You narrowly miss the ISS, giving it a new white paint job as you fly past. Physicists struggle to calculate your erratic trajectory. The cum accelerates. The cum begins to gravitate towards itself, forming a comet trail of semen. Astronomers begin calling you the “Cummet.” You are stuck in space forever, stripped of your body and senses, forced to endure an eternity of cumshots.
Eventually, you stop thinking...

Describing this amazing art of work as a AAA title does not even cut it close. If anything, this would be an octuple A game, obviously published by videogame artists who's brain power rival that of a child produced with a combination of Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, and Kanye West's genetics. You play as the heroine of Ukraine and destroy the stinky Russian forces in an awe inspiring mixture of hardcore puzzle mechanics mixed with exquisite FPS features. Your IQ will increase ten fold by the end of this saga and you will forever be enlightened on what a true video gaming experience is supposed to be. Completely worth the $200 spent to acquire this rare, once in a life time experience. I am positive nothing will come close to toppling this feat of engineering in at least 300 years.

What a joke. A “sporty hybrid hatchback”? Are you out of your damn mind? There’s no such thing and if there was, it would be an abomination. Hybrids are for whimps who want to feel good about themselves while getting shitty gas mileage and mediocre performance.

Those cars you listed? Total garbage. The Niro is a Soul wearing a Kia badge with the soul of a rental car. The Crosstrek is an Impreza pretending to be outdoorsy so Subaru can charge a premium. The Mini Cooper is a glorified go kart that’s overpriced for what it is. The RAV4 Hybrid is the definition of “meh” and the Kona is just a copy of the abysmal Niro. Save your money and buy something that’s actually fun to drive before the batteries die.

AWD and a light interior weight? What kind of sadist are you? Sporty and hybrid don’t belong in the same sentence. They’re contradictions. Blue exterior? Who cares what the damn color is? That has zero impact on performance.

Maintenance costs should be the last thing on your mind if you want a “sporty” anything. High performance components means high maintenance. Deal with it or buy a regular hybrid.

I have news for you pal, for $50K you could get an actual sports car that puts a smile on your face every time you get behind the wheel instead of dreading how subpar and uninspiring the driving experience will be. Open your eyes! There are real sports cars out there that don’t need a hybrid badge to seem interesting.

Here's a classic copypasta:

Navy SEAL Copypasta:

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

Well I guess today is the day I lose my reddit account...Lets talk about TOS vs name of subreddit

I can't believe the denial of reality...I mean, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, the suppression of truth is getting ridiculous, but let's talk about the TOS I got as a result of posting in this group. It didn't say I violated any rule, said most people get it as a routine message, but as I read it, i was SHOCKED at the FACTS we're not allowed to discuss...I understand using information in a hateful or demeaning manner, but to be denied the ability to literally quote information, it just boggles my mind.
These are just a few that jumped out at me. Now I'm not prone to discuss any of this information, but I'm at a loss as to wonder why this information is taboo for a functioning forum for discussion.
1."Mentioning race based crime stats." So this information exists, it's considered reliable by law enforcement and will undoubtedly be used by sociologists, politicians and others outside of this forum, but in this space we have to pretend that information doesn't exist?
2."mentioning mob violence by a protected race" WTF, you gotta be kidding me. SO certain races get a free pass when committing MOB VIOLENCE...you can not even MENTION it! This is truly some Orwellian shit.
3."Arguing that the age of consent should be below 18" Holy crap...in most places is IT ALREADY IS! no need to argue this...so what happens if you mention a place where it already is?
There are so many more confusing, clearly biased, and anti intellectual discourse rules and the most depressing part of it all is I get this highlighted to me after posting in a subreddit called "TrueUnpopularOpinion", the irony is so frigging unbelievable, You have to live it as no one would believe it if I wrote the short story.
If you haven't already done so, please go read the TOS...carefully...the censorship is clearly biased, and something any fasch dictator would be proud of.

Nani the fuck did you just fucking iimasu about watashi, you chiisai bitch desuka? Watashi’ll have anata know that watashi graduated top of my class in Nihongo 3, and watashi’ve been involved in iroirona Nihongo tutoring sessions, and watashi have over sanbyaku perfect test scores. Watashi am trained in kanji, and watashi is the top letter writer in all of southern California. Anata are nothing to watashi but just another weaboo. Watashi will korosu anata the fuck out with vocabulary the likes of which has never been mimasu’d before on this continent, mark watashino fucking words. Anata thinks anata can get away with hanashimasing that kuso to watashi over the intaaneto? Omou again, fucker. As we hanashimasu, watashi am contacting watashino secret netto of otakus across the USA, and anatano IP is being traced right now so you better junbishimasu for the ame, ujimushi. The ame that korosu’s the pathetic chiisai thing anata calls anatano life. You’re fucking shinimashita’d, akachan.

Do not, and I mean DO NOT compare me to other redditors. Look at me DO NOT compare me to an average redditor. I have more karma than 90% of redditors. I may not have as much karma as that 10% but I'm smarter, I'm better , and I'm stronger than that other 10%.

I am simply superior to other redditors. I have gone through stuff on a weekly basis that you couldn't even imagine going through, and yet I still got a better outcome than the other redditors. I will kick your ass, steal your girlfriend and have sex with her and her mom in a threesome all while kicking your ass, I am just that much better than you.

Some may say that this is narcissism but I say that I'm just telling facts. You could only dream of being me. I'm so great that even the greatest people are jealous of me.

I also have an incredible amount of power. I run a big intimidating powerful team. The likes of which you can't even imagine, it has the smartest and strongest people alive, and if I command them to do something then they will do it, why? Because I'm still more powerful than all of them combined, I am smarter than Nikola Tesla and Isaac Newton, I have the agility and reflexes of a cat, the strength of a gorilla and the punching force of a train.

You don't even stand a chance against me so don't even try.