It's been a while, but I felt like writing another copypasta today:

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Healthcare Professional Voice: "Sir, this is incredible. Never before have I expected to see such a diversity of microbes in one place. Your gut-health is a form of art.

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How much fermented food do you consume to achieve this?

And what is your daily diet?

To have such a thriving and diversified micro biome, you'd need to consume at least six metric pounds of dietary fibre - Daily!

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Incredible!

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All of those are bacteria.

And not the bad kind of bacteria.

No, not even the good kind of bacteria.

I'm talking the best kind of bacteria.

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Most of your stomach seems to have ascended past the stage of Lactobazilli or Bifidobacteria. The inhabitants of your gut seem to be evolved and sophisticated forms. Half the races in your excrements seem to have been separated from the outside world for so long now, that I can only loosely relate them back to their primitive ancestors. Those you'd expect in plebeian bodies like mine.

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Usually, it takes thousands... No MILLIONS of years for this to happen!

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What's your age anyways?

Do you even have an identity card?

When I asked my assistant for your medical records, there were none to be found.

Anywhere.

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It's like...

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I want you to understand that your microbiome is unprecedented. Impeccable.

At first I thought you were an - forgive my informal language - "Obese fuck, who doesn't know the first thing about nutrition" - But now that I've taken a look at your excrements, I'm pretty sure that you're only 23% human. The remaining 87%? Bacteria.

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And don't get me wrong, you also have a bunch of bacteria, which \_usually\_ are kind of problematic, like Clostridium Difficile. The emphasis is on usually.

Actually, come over here, to the microscope.

I want to show you something.

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Do you see it?

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Clostridium Difficile can cause different illnesses when their concentration is too high in your belly. But your Clostridium Difficile... Wow. They're perfectly integrated into your micro biome. Little hard-working bois, who do their work like anyone else. Functional members of bacterial society. Wow.

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Your Clostridium Difficile seem to have militarized and been building little weapons of mass destruction in your gut, distributing them to their local bacterial governments - Thus keeping your belly save from foreign invaders, viruses and other detrimental bacteria.

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And you see that over there?

You know what that is?

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Of course you do. Someone with an inner life as active as yours certainly knows what they're doing.

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That little Lacto Bacillus just gave a fiery speech during a union-rally. But then - BANG! The Clostridium Difficile Police Force just marched in on them, wearing bacterial mecha-suits and killed that lil' rascal to dissolve the protest.

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Wow.

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What a sight to behold.

Not only do your otherwise problematic bacteria stand strong against outside threats, they also keep society working and in tact.

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Making military micro-mechanic advancements.

Working towards a better world.

Working towards a stronger gut health.

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Never would I have dreamed of seeing anything quite like your insides.

Poetic.

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And did you see that, over there?

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That's a little Bifido Bacteria Monk, trying to achieve enlightenment on some mountain.

Some fire fighters over there...

Bacterial pro boxers...

Construction workers...

Wage slaves...

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Even healthcare professionals, just like me!

And that - Is that a microbiological Satanic cult forming over there?

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Intriguing!

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A buzzing, healthy society with a thriving society, culture and history.

History in the making. All that, down in your gut.

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Surely you don't mind me keeping that piece of your excrements?

I'm sure you want it back, but I really need to know how the love story of those two little guys there will go.

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With that amount of bacteria, yet living in your bloated, infested body, you surely have some samples to spare, don't you?

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Either way, thanks for visiting me today!

It is the people like you I was born for."

In a recent scandalous divorce case involving rich parents, neither the father nor the mother was granted custody of their daughter. The highly publicized case has raised questions about the fairness of the legal system and the well-being of the child caught in the middle. Despite their wealth and status, the parents were unable to reach an agreement on custody, and the court ultimately decided to appoint a third party to make [decisions on behalf of the child. But the unexpected happened.](https://youtu.be/7s91-rM7fuI)

I'm am sitting here eating my delicious onionless burger when the crazed man in front of me sits down with plain sliced onion in his hand. He proceeds to take ot out and eat it raw like he's making out with it slowly. I can smell it and I may die soon, wish me luck

Hello, my name is Karen Johnson and I draw commission penis portraits. I was always very fond of art and dicks from a very young age, and it is still a beautiful passion of mine. My mother used to say my eyes would light up every time I was sent a genital photograph. My soul simply feels warm and enlightened when I draw penises, it’s something about the structure and formation that brings joy into my life. I believe everyone has a unique dick, a penis that deserves to be displayed in a wonderful piece of art. When I draw dicks, I make sure to enhance unique features and sizes, to really bring out the individualism. My clients often choose to mount their penis portraits on the wall, for everyone to admire. Everyone should have a penis portrait, it is a whimsical, unique, abstract piece of art. The only issue with my occupation is that my clients can’t help themselves but masturbate every time they see their portrait. I guess it just shows how good I am 😉

I posted to r/help...nothing. just a singular upvote from somebody.

I'm here because I thought this sub had a nice amount of users on a it good chunk of the time.

My problem: My posts are not showing up on my subreddit. They show up on my profile. I posted again around 3 hours after the first two posts that showed up on the sub. That post showed up.

Is there a cool down to posting? Why is there a cool down in my own sub?
How can I post without a cooldown?

Idk what is happening but for the past few days, when I open xHamster on my laptop and click a video it doesn't show me the video. No video player at all. I tried to reset my laptop. didn't work. I even tried muting the adblockers and it didn't work.

Any advice on what to do? Thank you in advance!

Edit: Solved! Found a better site for porn. Reddit. Thanks to the lovely redditors who tried to help =)

Please put an NSFW tag on this. I was on the train and when I saw this I had to start furiously masturbating. Everyone else gave me strange looks and were saying things like “what the fuck” and “call the police”. I dropped my phone and everyone around me saw this image. Now there is a whole train of men masturbating together at this one image. This is all your fault, you could have prevented this if you had just tagged this post NSFW

You see, we can calculate all the possible combinations of Bocchi's lesbian relationships using the following formula. The combination formula is defined as: nCr = n! / r! (n-r)! where we define n as the number of Kessoku band members (4) and r as the number we want per relationship. We can then calculate exactly how many for each ship using the following formula: 4 C 0 = 0 (the empty ship, not counted) 4 C 1 = 4 (Solo ship) 4 C 2 = 6 (duo) 4 C 3 (triple) 4 C 4 (the orgy) Add these all together we get: 0 + 4 + 6 + 4 + 1 = 15 total possible Bocchi the Rock ships

my best easter story that i like to remember at easter time is when jesus was going around bethlehem asking everyone how many mini eggs they think he could fit inside of his mouth and his friend noah said i bet you couldnt fit any more than 30 in there and jesus said want a bet and noah said i bet you a plum that you cant do it and then jesus said youre on and then he started putting mini eggs inside of his mouth one by one and when he got to 25 he wiggled his eyebrows at noah and noah laughed and then when he got to 30 he wiggled his eyebrows at noah again and noah laughed even more and jesus was trying so hard to not burst out laughing and then as jesus pushed one more mini egg inside of his swollen mouth he tried to wiggle his eyebrows again but he couldnt because him and noah just burst out laughing at exactly the same time because it was so funny and there was loads of chocolate spit dribbling down jesus chin because he was laughing so much and noah actually couldnt breathe because there was so much laughter coming out of him and then a mini egg popped out of jesus mouth and jesus kept on trying to say that he was going to have a heart attack because he was laughing so much but he couldnt say it properly because his mouth was so full and it sounded like he was saying i am going to have a fart attack and that just made noah laugh even more and it really was the best easter story ever and if you close your eyes and listen ever so carefully you can still hear their laughter carried on the wind of time until this very day. love from your friend Chris (Simpsons artist) xox

Hello, gentlemen.

I see that there is a lot of hardship in the Incel community. Worry not. I have a solution.

I call it The Core Formula.

The Core Formula is a method that allows a man to know EXACTLY what to do when he approaches a woman. Get ready. Put on your seatbelt. I'm about to blow your minds.

All you need to establish is two things when you approach a woman with romantic intent at heart:

1. You need to show that you're capable of handling the hardships of the world. Do this by making a witty joke or two that's relevant to the situation (you can joke about the weather if it's raining, or about how fashionable she is, if she's wearing a dress). This makes you seem confident, even if you're terrified. She doesn't know what she can't see.
2. You need to show that you are trustworthy. Do this by engaging in a little bit of get-to-know-you conversation. (Talk about if she's from here originally, what she works as, etc......)

And BOOOOOOOM!!!!

You just set up a date.

For more zesty w-rizz dating advice that will turn you into an absolute CHAD:

[https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0C1TL6QJW](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0C1TL6QJW)

I (M 17.09394828383883097) was playing some fortnite yesterday. I was playing duos with my friend Jason (M 17.263647738288838), and we were about to win. But then, I got onepumped by a some other dude, and Jason had to clutch up. I was however so angry, I threw my controller against the wall. But one thing you need to know about me is that I'm not a good thrower, so instead of hitting the wall, my controller flew out of my window and across the entire globe, where it ended up hitting a a button located in Siberia, Russia, in a military base 578 meters under the ground. The button caused 6 atomic bombs to launch, all aimed directly at South America. Everybody's super angry at me right now, which I don't get! I mean, I apologized!
AITA?

This is so embarrassing but I literally have a fucking kink for trading like straight up medieval bartering type shit like the thought of like "a pound o' silk for a bucket o' milk" just turns me on for some reason that God Himself refuses to reveal to me. I can't even play Minecraft without getting hard as a fucking battering ram whilst trading emeralds for enchanting books and shit. I have this distinct memory of watching this movie when I was like 13 or 14 and it took place in like medieval Europe or something and this guy was haggling for like a hand sculpted pot or some shit and I had to leave the room to fucking masturbate I felt so weird after. I think that's where it started. I wish I had a normal kink like idk piss or something idk how I'm going to explain to my future partner that I want to roleplay as a 14th century merchant . Man.

Fuck andrew tate, he almost killed me. So I was watching one of his videos and he told me to "breathe air" and that "I don't need a vape". Well guess what, I suffer from a condition where after prolonged living in my mother's basement, oxygen is toxic to my lungs. After I followed his advice, I had difficulties breathing because yknow I never went outside before so I cant breathe oxygen.

Anyways after I breathed air, I was severly hospitalized and I had to perpetually use vapes so that I wouldnt suffocate and then I was put on a respirator machine with smoke fumes while being moved home with a wheelchair (I cant walk due to prolonged sitting). Fuck you andrew tate for making me breathe air when it could kill me.

I will create a new universe, where best women will never ever work out, and they won't be naturally fit either (for bigots: that doesn't mean they'd be unhealthy or fat). They will be feminine and they will have "feminine grace" which will be far better than fitness and won't have anything in common with it. Feminine grace doesn't add ANY muscle mass, no toned muscles either, any woman with it will have absolutely zero fitness. Feminine grace allows women to be superior to men physically without women having any extra muscle mass. A petite woman who had never seen a gym in her life will be able to defeat 10 buff men in a fight at once, fighting femininely like dancing.

Omg omg omg wtf am i going to do now? I think i just broke my penis. I was rubbing it on everything in the house (like I normally do) and my dick started peeing this viscous white urine that tastes _nothing_ like urine. please help me. it’s all over everything, the couch, the floor, the ceiling, fuck me now it’s in the cat. goddamnit it feels good but i’m sure i broke something in my dick because now I can’t pee. my erection won’t go away now. It had happened 37 times today trying to get my urine back to yellow. Now nothing is coming out at all. i can feel gases scaling my dick after rubbing it. I’m only a teen and i’m too young for this shit to happen to me.

This is so embarrassing but I literally have a fucking kink for trading like straight up medieval bartering type shit like the thought of like "a pound o' silk for a bucket o' milk" just turns me on for some reason that God Himself refuses to reveal to me. I can't even play Minecraft without getting hard as a fucking battering ram whilst trading emeralds for enchanting books and shit. I have this distinct memory of watching this movie when I was like 13 or 14 and it took place in like medieval Europe or something and this guy was haggling for like a hand sculpted pot or some shit and I had to leave the room to fucking masturbate I felt so weird after. I think that's where it started. I wish I had a normal kink like idk piss or something idk how I'm going to explain to my future partner that I want to roleplay as a 14th century merchant . Man.

TLDR; My husband says ‘Goblin Mode activated’ when we start to have sex, growls and acts like a caveman, and then says ‘Goblin Mode off’ when we stop, and then pretends not to remember afterward.

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I really love my husband and he’s always been great in bed. But recently he’s been acting really weird. So, a couple of days ago, my son went on a rampage through our house and said he was in ‘Goblin Mode’. We didn’t really know what to do with him, so we sent him to live with my parents so he can go to a special needs school. My husband a really great relationship with our son and loved him more than anything. Naturally, he was upset when he had to leave. He’s an incredibly tough man, but this was the first time I’ve ever seen him cry. I think since then, he’s been a little emotionally unwell. I’ve heard him muttering, ‘Goblin’ repeatedly when he didn’t notice me, staring blankly into his food, and just going alone by himself to do who knows what. I feel awful for him, but we both agreed that this was for the best. Last night, the day after our son went away, we decided to have sex to relieve our stress. However, my husband said ‘Goblin Mode activated’, starting growling, and went wild having sex with me. Admittedly, it was some of the best and most experimental sex I’ve ever had, but I’m worried that something might be going on with my husband. Any advice?

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Edit: The problem isn’t the ‘Goblin Mode’, it’s that he could be ill

so like when ever i sleep, instead of covering the blanket over my body i like to roll it into a body pillow and just hug it but last night i had some weird dream that made me think my blanket was a real person so i humped it on auto pilot and made a mess

Pet simulator has a new easter update and my boyfriend would rather play that than fuck. He says sex doesn't have an easter update so it's not as important. What should I do in this situation?