For real, it would be so silly if Kendrick got covered in slime. Just enveloped in icky goop inhibiting his every movement. I bet he’d chuckle to himself, wondering how he got himself into such a mess. I bet he’d get hot and take off his jacket. Besides, it’s covered in slime, so I bet it’d be uncomfortable to wear. It’d be really funny if more slime got poured on him after, double sliming him. I bet he’d get flustered about that, wondering how all this goop even got transported to the ceiling anyways. I bet he’d take off his undershirt, seeing as it’s so thin the slime would seep through it, making it uncomfortable. I bet his six pack would look so nice with the stage lights blowing off of it, like a perfectly chiseled statue. A true modern vitruvian man, shirtless and slightly slimy at the kids choice awards. I bet he’d get a little erect after this whole ordeal, after all, it was probably a hot lady that gave him his kids choice award, and the steamy goop covering him would naturally stir his thoughts. I bet he’d start pitching a tent in his pants, and I bet he’s wearing some real tight jeans. After all, something too baggy and his stunning form wouldn’t be as well presented to the millions of fans watching. I bet he’ll realize it’s too hard to hide his throbbing cock while it’s poking through his jeans, so he’ll take them off and tuck his penis into the waistband of his underwear. I bet the tip of his penis will poke out a little, and he’ll realize there are kids watching, so he’ll scoop a little slime from the ground and put it on the top of his penis to obscure it. Those kids won’t notice, but I will. I’ll see the slime and know how he feels, and what he’s thinking. I bet Kendrick will sit down at the after party at Dan Schneider’s house and think about how good that slime felt on him. I bet it’ll be engrained in his mind so much that he thinks about it every time he has sex for the rest of his life. I bet he’ll buy his own slime off Amazon to try and replicate the feeling, but will fail miserably every time. I bet that’ll send him into a deep depression, which will lead to him quitting music. After all, the only thing that brought him pleasure in life was the Nick slime, and without that he’s nothing. I bet he’ll be wandering around the streets of Los Angeles, sad and single, and see me. I bet we’ll hit it off immediately and become great friends. We both love the kids choice awards, and that common interest leads to a strong friendship, which naturally leads into a strong relationship. I bet Kendrick will get on one knee during our Venice trip to mark our 5th anniversary together. I bet we’ll get married and move to a farm in Washington, where will live out our shared dream of becoming wheat farmers. Sure, we’ll argue and bicker, and might almost fall out a couple of times, but I bet true love will prevail. I bet he’ll hold me as the cancer finally reaches my heart and I begin fading. But I bet that won’t matter, since I’ll have the love of my life wrapped around my arms, and I bet the last thing I’ll see will be him kissing me on the forehead, thanking me for the love, the joy, the memories, and the reason to keep going. I bet our love story will end bittersweet, as all good things do. But just like any great love story, it had to end eventually, and I bet we’ll both be infinitely grateful we got to write it together.

So me and my girl decided to do some ass sex earlier today, she was all giddy and excited and so she was naked and got on all fours and wiggled her ass. I was super excited too so i went in there no condom and no lube, i went full force in there and she moaned like an elephant, im just pounding away and theres no poo on my dick. But then i look down and see a bunch of little worms on her anus and crawling on my penis, i pull out quickly and go to wash it off in the washroom but i notice one trying to get inside my peehole, i try to grab it but its too small and it goes inside. My girlfriend is frantic apologizing and we dunno wtf to do and im panicking hardcore. Then my girlfriend is like "u need to jizz right now to blow it out before it lays eggs inside of ur dick!" Thats quick thinking by my worm infested girlfriend.

So i start to jerk it hard as fuk super fast, and within like 30 seconds im close to climax. Fuk my girlfriend though disgusting girl she should wash her anus better, I jump in the air and jizz right in her face as she squirms, i then see like a dozen worms fly out my peehole and land on her face. She starts screaming as they enter her nose and mouth. I only thought 1 went in but apparently a ton went in when i did her in the butt. wut a weird day man im never doing anal without a condom again.

Hey guys, did you know that in terms of human companionship, Flareon is objectively the most huggable Pokemon? While their maximum temperature is likely too much for most, they are capable of controlling it, so they can set themselves to the perfect temperature for you. Along with that, they have a lot of fluff, making them undeniably incredibly soft to touch. But that's not all, they have a very respectable special defense stat of 110, which means that they are likely very calm and resistant to emotional damage. Because of this, if you have a bad day, you can vent to it while hugging it, and it won't mind. It can make itself even more endearing with moves like Charm and Baby Doll Eyes, ensuring that you never have a prolonged bout of depression ever again

Fun fact among us got banned at the daycare where I work at

Turns out, you know how youtube has the autoplay thing ? Well one day the kids were watching among us songs on YT when autoplay changed it to the among us twerking video, 10 hour version to be exact, and ALL the kids tried twerking

So thats how among us got banned

You WILL not fight the warden

You WILL feed frogs magma cubes

You WILL not capture fireflies

You WILL not get an updated swamp

You WILL understand that its concept art, not a commitment

You WILL be policed by chat reporting

You WILL play as Big Mojang intended

You WILL only purchase mods and texture packs through the marketplace (future for java I bet)

You WILL enjoy the update

You WILL be happy

And the guy behind the cash comes to the ice fridge and say "Bro...you're going to have to pay for that bag of ice." I was like "Uhh..I don't think so. I'm not buying the ice, I don't need it." So he says, "Yeah, but you're rubbing it on your nipples. I can't sell that now. You gotta buy it because you used it." So I reply "I'm just trying to stay cool. It's fucking hot in case you haven't noticed. It's not like I shoved a cube up my ass. The fucking bag is still cold." So cashier says "Look, it's a buck ninety nine. Pay for it, take it and leave." So being a big brain I ask him a question. "Have you ever passed by a restaurant and smelled delicious food?" He was "Like of course I have. So has everybody." So I say " Exactly. And were you charged money for smelling the food?" "Uhh no. Why would I have to pay for smelling food?" It was my gotcha moment. " So why do you want to charge me for ice when in fact all I was doing was using the cold it provided?" Dude couldn't wrap his head around it and gave up.

Yesterday, I was talking to one of my son's friend's parent, and she told me that her son went 'Goblin Mode' the other day and went in his room to 'Charge up', and asked me what it meant. I thought the kid was just being silly, but earlier today, my kid went 'Goblin Mode' too, and has been up in his room all day. Is this a new funny trend or something? I also found some 'memes' about going Goblin Mode, but I don't get it?

My fat, stinky, gargantuan, fucking balls are the size of watermelons! They keep me awake
at night with their incessant jiggling, and I'm
always finding little bits of cheese stuck in
the crevices. I'm afraid to show them to anyone
because I'm afraid they'll laugh at me, but I
know I need to do something about them. Next week I'm going to the doctor to get them checked out,
and hopefully they can give me some advice on
how to deal with my giant, stinky balls. In the meantime however, I'll just have to deal with my stinky, cheese-encrusted balls the best way I know how, and that’s by hiding them away in my tighty-whities, hoping
that no one will ever find out about my
embarrassing secret.

1.4142135623730950488016887242096980785696718753769480731766797379907324784621 07038850387534327641572735013846230912297024924836055850737212644121497099935831 41322266592750559275579995050115278206057147010955997160597027453459686201472851 74186408891986095523292304843087143214508397626036279952514079896872533965463318 08829640620615258352395054745750287759961729835575220337531857011354374603408498 84716038689997069900481503054402779031645424782306849293691862158057846311159666 87130130156185689872372352885092648612494977154218334204285686060146824720771435 85487415565706967765372022648544701585880162075847492265722600208558446652145839 88939443709265918003113882464681570826301005948587040031864803421948972782906410 45072636881313739855256117322040245091227700226941127573627280495738108967504018 36986836845072579936472906076299694138047565482372899718032680247442062926912485 90521810044598421505911202494413417285314781058036033710773091828693147101711116 83916581726889419758716582152128229518488472089694633862891562882765952635140542 26765323969461751129160240871551013515045538128756005263146801712740265396947024 03005174953188629256313851881634780015693691768818523786840522878376293892143006 55869568685964595155501644724509836896036887323114389415576651040883914292338113 20605243362948531704991577175622854974143899918802176243096520656421182731672625 75395947172559346372386322614827426222086711558395999265211762526989175409881593 48640083457085181472231814204070426509056532333398436457865796796519267292399875 36661721598257886026336361782749599421940377775368142621773879919455139723127406 68983299898953867288228563786977496625199665835257761989393228453447356947949629 52168891485492538904755828834526096524096542889394538646625744927556381964410316 97983306185201937938494005715633372054806854057586799967012137223947582142630658 51322174088323829472876173936474678374319600015921888073478576172522118674904249 77366929207311096369721608933708661156734585334833295254675851644710757848602463 60083444911481858765555428645512331421992631133251797060843655970435285641008791 85007603610091594656706768836055717400767569050961367194013249356052401859991050 62108163597726431380605467010293569971042425105781749531057255934984451126922780 34491350663756874776028316282960553242242695753452902883876844642917328277088831 8087025339852338122749990812371892540726475367850304821591801886167108972869

The song "The Twist" is single-handedly the worst song I have ever heard. Before you get all bent out of shape, I do know that it's not to be some intellectual masterpiece of modern art; it is just factually a shitty song. Here's why: Repetition: This song takes repetition to a level rivaled only by songs written for 3 year-olds. The singer say 'do the twist' 3 or 4 times in the first verse, just in case you were wondering what 'dance'? No movement to do. There were 145 'words' in this song. Is 'eh' and 'ah' a word? Scratch that, I truly don’t care. Of those 145 words, three variations (do the twist, twist baby, come on and twist) represent 47 words. That’s 1/3 of the song for basically 4 words (and I didn’t include the single mentions of the word ‘twist’). If we include the ‘ooh’ variations (there are 8 instances) and ‘baby’ (there are 6 instances), which total 156, we have 61 out of 145 words made up of 6 words. I think we get the picture on this.

Simplicity:

The most complex word in this song is a tie between ‘twistin’, a variation of the vocalist’s (not an artist in my opinion) song title, the word ‘sleepin'’ (which appears literally twice), and the word ‘around’. Doing a quick tally, that means that 23 single word instances are 2 syllables. All the rest are 1 syllable. The vocabulary is not strong with this one. Look at that! My use of ‘vocabulary’ beat out this song by 2 whole syllables!

The culmination of the two previous points into the dumbing down of everyone who had the displeasure of hearing this song:

Pretty self-explanatory. Look, I get that the writer wasn’t going for a Pulitzer or a Grammy, but a quick hit that’ll be catchy and easy to remember. Fair enough. EXCEPT FUCK YOU YOU’RE LITERALLY RUINING MUSIC. Who am I to say what should and shouldn’t be written? An asshole, that’s who. One who is procrastinating other, important work.

Basically, by putting music out that has a grand total of about 30 unique words, you’re contributing to the lowered standard of quality of music. This is one step away from repeating one single word over and over for 5 minutes straight, which now that I think about it probably exists. Except that would have some comedic value at the very least. This shit, well it’s like a kindergartener took a crayon and drew a stickman (poorly, I might add), that was subsequently put up in an art gallery. Real, impressionable children will listen to this and think “ Wow, dad was wrong! I CAN skate in life only knowing less than the bare minimum needed to be able to read ‘See Spot Run’, which I never did because fuck books and education”. (Side note - That interaction wouldn’t have been possible outside the child’s head, since there are too many unique words used)

Now put on your tin-foil hats, because this is where I lose half of you with my bullshit. Songs like this promote the opposite of education. Like I said, it devalues a halfway competent vocabulary in the name of catchiness and a cheap ‘musical’ fix. When you see what can be presumably defined as success (ie having several hundred million views on Youtube and countless other radio plays), it sets a standard in young, impressionable minds. We’ve had many people trying to get past this dumbing down of society, like Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, and many others (No, of course not all of their songs). They were trying to create a more engaged people who reflect on the actual issues we face as a society, instead of making up a cute little dance to go along with your shitty track as your brain melts from lack of use.

Who is the target market for this song? For all the reasons I’ve brought forth, I believe the target market to be the typical vapid, vacuous consumer that doesn’t engage in critical thought related to anything more than whether the Presleys look better in blue or teal. I realise that I’ve made a broad, fairly baseless claim, and yet I’m confident it’s pretty accurate.

Songs like these placate the masses with their simplicity and safety. You don’t need to think, you don’t need to guess what it’s talking about, you just need to follow these three easy steps and you too can conform to the newest dance craze. Independent thought is the antithesis of this track. By listening to this, you are using time that could be spent thinking of ways to better the city/country/world you live in. Again, I realise that not everyone WANTS to engage with the world like this, but I will still stand by the claim that critical thought is better than being herded like a goddamn sheep by pop-music.

So what have we learned today? Well, mostly that I’m way too mad about a song. That’s a given. What I want to really stress is that this song is symptomatic of a larger issue at hand. Like the CIA funneling crack into ghettos, to me this type of music represents a concerted effort to quell independent thought. Ultimately it’s easier to listen to a catchy song with like 7 words than to actually sit back and think about why everything is kind of messed up.

I really, truly fucking despise this song.

Ok everyone since you don't listen when I'm nice, I'm going to get mean.

Reacting to messages with a clown (🤡), a skull (💀), or a nerd face (🤓) isn't funny. It's not cool, it's not interesting, it's annoying.

These 3 emojis in particular aren't funny, they're RUDE. We as staff work hard to keep this place safe, and to have you all constantly react to our messages with mean emojis makes me FURIOUS.

STOP reacting to our messages with rude emojis. They do NOTHING but make you look really, really stupid.

It shows you have no rebuttals to our arguments, so you have to use juvenile tactics paramount to terrorism in order to stop us from being able to speak our truth.


FROM NOW ON, IF YOU REACT WITH ANY MEAN EMOJIS, I AM WRITING YOUR NAME DOWN.

IF YOU ARE A SERIAL REACTOR, YOUR USERNAME IS GOING TO A GOOGLE DOC. AT THE END OF THE MONTH, I WILL TAKE THIS DOC TO THE APPROPIATE AUTHORITIES FOR THEM TO INVESTIGATE AND ARREST YOU.

This is your ONLY warning. Tread carefully...

I was walking around in Walmart one day and they were playing “Perfect” by Simple Plan on the radio and it made me think about my dad and how much I missed fucking him and taking his load. I was so horny after hearing that song that I needed to run to the public washrooms and jerk off. Unfortunately, every woman’s washroom I tried sneaking into had women shitting or period blood shedding. Disgusting. I had to leave or else I was going to cum everywhere, so I did what I knew best. Have sex with the warm rotisserie chickens in the Hot Deli section of Walmart to capture my hot load. I quickly snatched up every chicken I could find, unsheathed them from their plastic tombs and processed to thrust, and cum, into each and every chicken. With each chicken I filled up, I would put the container back on and put it back in the warming station so my semen would incubate in the chickens and maybe, just maybe, a chicken-Steven hybrid baby would be born! To my surprise, several associates, managers and the police, were standing over me in disgust and an old lady in Aisle 2 was puking from the stench. And they kicked ME out of Walmart, but not the old puking bitch, so Reddit, AITA?

TLDR; Read the title bitch.

2 years ago, I got my first dog. He is a medium sized dog with long black fur. A few months later, I got a wiener dog with short hair. At first, they did not interact with each other very much. One fateful day, however, this would change. The medium-sized dog started to hump the wiener dog to display its dominance. The dogs did this for around a year until the medium sized dog decided he had displayed his dominance enough. What’s really funny about this is that the wiener dog was also a boy so that means they are gay lol!!1

Edit: I looked up why dogs hump each other and they do it to display dominance. I edited the post to reflect that the dogs are NOT gay!!! They just need to display their dominance on one another.

Edit 2: People have been threatening to doxx my dogs for not being gay!! This is unacceptable behavior and my dogs are VERY ANGRY!!! Also thx for the gold kind stranger XD

Edit 3 (final one i promise): I have 8 dogs and they started humping each other again. I think they are just displaying dominance but the original 2 dogs I changed my mind about. they are insecure about all of the new dogs so they hump each other to fit in !!
also thx for 1e27 golds kind 1e27 strangerz!!1

So you're clearly never read Berserk. You should probably read it before you decide to have an opinion on this matter.

It's super odd the way Souls fan boi's get their panties in a twist every time someone mentions Berserk. After all Zelda was created after Miyamoto saw the movie "Legend", but Zelda fan boi's don't get all pissy about it when someone mentions that. Metroid was based directly on the movie Aliens, and Metroid fans just accept that fact.

Next time he goes on a tangent maybe I'll try to record it and post it. My dad is the embodiment of r/ihavesex, he has a severe sex addiction and thinks that I (his 28 year old son) could care less about his sex life, despite how many times I've told him I don't care.

He's 57 but talks about women and sex like a 12 year old. He needs to re-assure me on a daily basis that when he wants a girl it only takes a week to get one, and that he fucks her better than anyone else has.

He recently got a GF and again, despite how many times I ask him to stop, he goes into graphic detail about them having sex. He uses talk-to-text instead of typing out texts, so he'll be speaking out loud when he's texting her infront of me. This past weekend he goes "do you still have your hickey?" and chuckle to himself, in his mind he thinks I find him so cool.

The reality is he's a complete loser. He's 57 living paycheck to paycheck out of a busted ass van. He tries to sell it as a "lifestyle choice ", but every woman he gets finds out within a week or so that he is dead broke. When he gets a girl they're trashy and/or young. He talks about getting gas station boner pills, and recently a mysterious prescription (that he claims he does not remember the name of, but it's not Viagra or Cialis) to make him "perform even better" but is quick to assure me he has no problem performing but just wants to fuck longer. He's pretty short (5'-6"), which we all know is pretty limiting in the dating pool for guys, and as of late his back pain has him hunched over so he looks 5'-4". Oh yeah, and I don't think he's "fucking the snot" out of any girls for hours when he can't even sit up straight for a half hour due to pain. He reeks of insecurity and it makes me sick to my stomach that he needs to prove to me how many he women he sleeps with on a daily basis.

As of late he discovered Plenty of Fish and it's gotten real bad. Half the accounts are bots that just ask for money, but he falls for it every time (he doesn't pay but he always believes it's a beautiful 24 year old on the other side). He will show me the deep sexual conversations (that I again ask not to see), and I've caught him sitting there re-reading these conversations in his down time.

We recently got into a fight and didn't talk for a few weeks. He wouldn't answer my calls. He broke the silence to call me to say that he fucked seven girls in seven weeks and started going into vivid detail before I hung up. I'd had enough, but he has the short-term memory of a goldfish so he will never stop talking about how cool he is.

Honestly, I think I'm going to show him this subreddit. Maybe then he'll shut the fuck up.

I came looking for massive honker milkers drawn in 1080p UHD definition. But while I was stroking my shmeat I saw nothing but world politics. Now I'm not horny and confused what's going on?

I love the story of the kids who wanted to see a movie that had just one little thing in it that was bad, but their dad wouldn’t let them. They thought it was so unfair to judge a whole movie over one small part. So the next night dad surprised them by baking them a tray of brownies. Right before the kids started to eat them, the dad said, “Before you eat the brownies, I need you to know I took just a little bit of our dog’s poop and put it in the mix. Now, its just a tiny little bit, the rest is fine, and you’ll hardly notice it.” Crazy thing was, the kids wouldn’t touch the brownies - in fact, they said the whole batch should be thrown in the trash! But dad said, “I don’t understand, its just a little poop, the tinniest but - its probably not even in the bite you’ll take. It certainly doesn’t ruin the whole thing!?” After the kids explained to him in detail how that little tiny bit of poop ruined the whole tray and made it garbage he said, “And that’s why we don’t watch movies with just a little part that displeases God. It ruins the whole thing.” The children silently walked away. They finally understood.

is it weird that i'm way too much of a tsundere towards my fam, ESPECIALLY siblings? like, i don't get the whole siblings thing presented in media bc even if i get paid, i feel way too grossed out and awkward trying to express my love to them very openly (am i dying? is this cancer? please helpk)

So I've been watching over your activity in this server/subreddit and as far as I've seen your humour is something beyond limit , please try to have a normal humour ,all you do is edgy , offensive and racist jokes , please do something about it , it's triggering and not comfortable to see or hear , recently you were arguing with an admin ,i know he was offended by you also need to get a control of yourself ,hope you'll think about it

I have absolutely massive nuts. I'm not exaggerating, they are absolutely enormous. My friends are always asking to see them, and they are always blown away by the size. I'm not even kidding, they are absolutely massive. I'm telling you, if you ever get a chance to see my nuts, you will be absolutely amazed. They are so big, I can't even begin to describe it. Trust me, you've never seen anything like it. The thickness of my big meaty ballsack is unrivaled. My nutsack is like a giant balloon filled with thick creamy goodness. My balls are so big, they could easily crush an orange. I'm not even joking, they are that big. When I'm aroused, my balls swell up to twice their normal size. I'm talking about absolutely massive nuts here. My balls are like watermelons. I'm telling you, they are absolutely massive.

Seriously, if you ever get a chance to see my nuts, you will not be disappointed. They are truly a sight to behold. My nutsack is so fucking huge that it's hard to even walk sometimes. I've had to buy special underwear to accommodate my massive balls. My friends always say that they are envious of my big balls, but I just tell them that they are better off.