OMG 6/9??? NICE!!!!!!? OMG 69 (NICE) IS SO FUNNY!!!! WHENEVER I SEE 69 (NICE) I BURST OUT LAUGHING 🤣 🤣 🤣 😂 😂 😂 🤣 BECAUSE ITS SO ORIGINAL AND FUNNY 😂😆😆😆😂!!! ITS ALMOST AS GOOD AS (snort) 420 (NICE)!!! THE WEED NUMBER!!!! YOU SEE 69 (NICE) IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT REFERENCES SEX 😱😱😱!!!! I KNOW RIGHT!!!!! I LOVE SAYING 👍 NICE WHENEVER I SEE 69 (NICE) OR 420 (NICE) BECAUSE IT JUST SENDS ME INTO FITS!!!! AHAHHAHAHAHAH 😂😂😂😂😆😆😆😆😂😂!!! MY SENSE OF HUMOR IS EXTREMELY MATURE!!!! OMG SEX NUMBER 😱😱😱😱😱 😆😆😆😆😆😆 HAHAOHHMYGOD!!! WEED NUMBER 😱😱😆😆😆 OMG OMG 😳😳😳 👍 NICE 👍 NICE 👍 NICE 👍 NICE 👍 NICE 👍 NICE 👍 NICE 👍 NICE 👍 NICE 👍 NICE 👍!!!! ISNT IT FUNNY??? WHY ARENT YOU LAUGHING!!!?!?!? 😱 IS THAT A SHOTGUN

Throughout my entire life at school, I’ve noticed one thing. Nobody wants to work with a guy if his name is robbie. I’ve had a few personal experiences with a certain robbie I know. It’s freshman year, and I have instagram such as a normal teenager. I don’t post much, but I still have my name and a couple of posts so people know who I am and follow me. One day, I am followed by Robbie. He DM’s me and said “hey I go to your school, do you think we can be friends?” I look through his account. He’s your typical ROTC type of kid. I reluctantly give him a follow and reply “yeah sure :)” I think to myself for a moment “heh…I’ll be nice for now, and we will hardly even talk.” This is far from what actually occurred though. He replied to my message with “Ok. Can I have your phone number? It’s easier to talk to people through text.” I decide to let it sit. I go to eat dinner, and come back to check my phone. I see 2 new notifications from robbie. One message says “it’s ok if you don’t want to give it to me, nobody ever wants to talk to me.” And one that is “?” I feel guilty, so I send him my number and he texts me. The first thing he sends me is “do you want to play a game? I ask “what game?” And he says this…”there is a marvel roleplay game me and my friend made up, it’s where I am the bank robber and you have to defeat me.” I am stunned. I decide he needs left on read for a bit. I silent his texts, and later check on it. He continues to say things like “u there?” “?” “Hello?” And such. I finally give in out of sympathy. “Yeah sure. I’ll be Spider man :)”
He says this to me “no you have to be a girl superhero because your a girl. How about Wonder Woman?” I sigh, and to get it over with I say “yeah” we play this for a bit and I finish. When we are done he says “how about another round?” There’s more??? Ugh I’ve gotta be nice “maybe another time” I say he replies with “it’s fine if you just don’t want to play. Nobody ever wants to talk to me.” At this point, I leave him on read. He eventually started stalking me in real life, and constantly harassing me to date him by getting me chocolate EVERY DAY and non stop asking me out. Later I found out he did similar (but not as drastic things) to other girls. To conclude, people with the name Robbie are bozos and they should all be arrested.

Morbius truly has to be one of the films released in 2022 so far. Jared Leto did a job playing Morbius and the action was in the film. The film has storytelling and the CGI was animated. The side characters were along with morbius and the villain was a bad guy. The jokes were sentences. This film really is one of the films of all time, if not the last decade.

So I have a perfect property worth 3milion dollars that I didn't have to work for that I inherited from my dead christan(based) grandpa that bought the property in the 70s and I got asked by my family to host a easter party so they can hide the eggs for their in my 10 acre property (3mil dollars in value). I am atheist btw.

So I am chilling there, drinking my 200$ bottle of whisky when a nephew(6yo) approached me and asked why I don't go to church So I answered calmly: "because I am not a brainwashed christan like you are", so he in turn asked: "so you are a sinner?" and I said that yes, I mass murder dog shellters and sacrafice the bodies to the devil so I can have more 3mil dollars+ properties. He obviously tried to gaslight me(dunno what it means sounds smart) and manipulate me butt he failed and started crying like the special butthurt snowflake he is. So his mom- my stupid sister called me an asshole. Obviously I am not an asshole but I want upvotes from my fellow atheist redditors(based) that upvote anything that has the woord atheist in it.

Later I told this story to a girl in a bar and she agreed with me and sucked me off and gave me her S class mercedes because I am so smart. So reddit, Am I the asshole?

@everyone
Please DO NOT EAT FACEMASKS (or any other items that were not meant to be eaten) IN THE VOICE CHAT. I'm not sure why some people have such under developed social skills that they think that a server full of mostly male strangers would need to see that. No one is going to be impressed and give you a kiss, (especially considering what you have been consuming). Eating items that were not meant to be eaten could cause serious harm in your body, and being polish is not an excuse to that. I don't want to add this to the rules, since it would be embarrassing for new users to see that we have a problem with this, but it is going to be enforced as a rule from now on.

An open letter to the Robot Chicken crew about the Ice Age movies.

TL;DR: I want the robot chicken crew to show Sid the Sloth from the Ice Age movies to blow a dude.

Hello.

I want to talk about Ice Age, both the 2002 Blue Skies Movie and the franchise that is still ongoing. Before I do so, I recognize that Sony, and by extensions HBO, Adult Swim, and all the shows and production companies that go with them, have no relation to the movie franchise originally produced by 20th Century Fox Studios and its current parent company Disney. I also recognize that for legal reasons, the propositions I am about to make may not be considered at all even if the Ice Age franchise wasn't caught up in the modern movie monopoly mess (try saying that 5 times fast!).

Nevertheless, the proposition I make to the robot chicken crew, whether it includes Seth Green and Matthew Senreich themselves or any member of the production teams, must be stated as what I am about to say cannot and will not be performed by the people who create these movies, for reasons I will later elaborate.

To be clear, I do not seek any credit or compensation for these proposals. I do not care if these actually get uses. I do not ask for residuals, I do not wish my name mentioned in the credits of any episodes. I do not wish to be @ed in any social media sites. At best, I expect only a well written rejection letter and at worst a widespread ban from contacting any email addresses or social media platforms under anyone from the Robot Chicken Crew to even everyone working under Sony.

Beginning with some context, I consider myself a bit of an outcast. I've never been "hip with it" both as a child and now as an aging husk of a human being reaching 26 years. When it comes to memes, I'm usually falling behind, only getting into the joke long after it becomes, what I believe the kids call "cringe as hell". Normally, I'm okay with this, but two particular memes from the past couple of years caught me off guard. The first is the Ice Age baby. Dispute watching the 2002 movie around the time it came out, i could not for the life of me even remember that baby even being in the movie. For very sad reasons I won't elaborate on, I recall watching Ice Age 2: The Meltdown far more times as a child than the original CGI animated film by Blue Skies.

But so what? It's a weird looking baby from a 20 year old movie that I haven't seen in a while. No big deal, right? That's certainly what I thought. But eventually, I hear a relatively popular song used in some Tic Tok videos (I don't use Tic Tok, myself. Again, outsider). It was kinda funny, but it just sounded familiar... I couldn't put my finger on it. "Did I hear it from an animated movie? Was it Brother Bear?" I thought. I tried looking up "On My Way", but it was by Phil Collins, it wasn't the song. Then I see "Send me on my way" by Rusted Root. And there it was! I tell my girlfriend about how I had some trouble finding the song, and she says something that absolutely shattered my mind. "Oh yeah! The song from Ice Age!" These words drove me down a path of madness. I was compelled to watch a movie that I haven't seen in years, not for nostalgia, not for fun, but to avoid another amnesiac gut punch in the off chance another Ice Age meme shows up on my timeline!

So okay, I started binging on some mediocre movies. Why am I bothering the Robot Chicken crew about this? Simply put, there are two issues I've noticed that the Ice Age franchise suffers from that I don't think the makers of the movies are brave enough to do.

The Series needs an Aggressively Gay Scene!

After the first movie, there's a trend that occurs where each of the male leads, hell each of the male characters in the movie series, gets a carbon copy female counterpart. Like Adam, each of these poor souls have a rib removed from their bodies so that a horrible simulacrum can be produced for the purpose of a heterosexual romantic plot. The only way the series could be redeemed somehow is by having a romantic story between two characters of the same sex ending up together, perhaps an enemies to lovers plot since people eat that shit up. But I think we all know that won't happen under Disney, at least not as a feature length plot. That's where I think you, the Robot Chicken crew, with your raunchy and deprived humor can come in. What I'm proposing to you is what I believe can get rid of this horrid taste of heterosexuality that's been in everyone's mouths from watching this movie, and that is to have Sid the Sloth approach a random male sloth, pull down his pants and suck him off dry for 2 whole minutes without any prior context. And when he's done playing the sloth skin flute he returns to Manny the Mammoth and Diego the Tiger, saying "Just needed to get that out of my system, let's go" and with no other word, they continue their journey with 2 seconds of "Send Me On My Way" playing in the background before transitioning to the next sketch. Without the dedication to write a full romance plot line, I believe the only other way to get this heterosexual taste out of everyone's mouth is to watch Sid the Sloth wash his with sloth sausage. And I think the only people who can pull off this stunt is the people who made a sketch of Buzz Lightyear getting lobotomized so he could be used as a bong.

If you've made it this far, Thank you. You could have stopped after seeing how long this was, and you could have just close the tab after seeing the phrase "sloth skin flute". But the fact that you stuck it through this far deserves more than what my gratitude can offer. I don't expect Seth Green, or Matthew Senreich, or anybody really to make this wild request a reality. But if you made it this far at least, I just want to thank you so much in indulging me. If by any chance anyone from the Robot Chicken crew sees this, I expect either my rejection letter or possibly a cease and desist from either them or more likely from Disney. Either way, I'm happy to just get this off my chest. I appreciate your time.

Sincerely and possibly crying for help,
Anthony

Benefits of watching morbius daily😍😍😍

1. Day 1 - You watch morbius. Instantly love it.

2. Day 5- Improved motivation and productivity.

You feel as a whole a stronger human being

3. Day 30 - Greater confidence and self-esteem. Mental clarity. Youre able to perfectly recite the script

4. Day 60 - Increased muscle mass, bone density, and cardiovascular capacity. Testosterone through the roof. Women start talking

5. Day 120 - Higher sperm count. Increased erection strength and duration. You've now memorised the choreography of the entire movie, you can execute the stunts and movements performed to a tee

6. Day 365 - Your voice deepens, and your skull becomes more chad-like. Increased erection girth and length.

7. Day 1500- Your ex wants to get back together. You feel tempted but ultimately turn her down. You need more time to watch morbius.

8. Day 3000 - You can't keep up with all your tinder matches. Strange women begin hitting on you in public. You worry about your female boss. Fortunately, she keeps it professional.

9. Day 6000 - Ex shows up at your door crying and begging you to take her back. You don't even make eye contact-just call the police right away. Your female boss quits. She can't take it anymore and fears what she might do to you if she stays.

10. Day 12000-Every swipe on tinder is a match. Even girls you swipe left get matched with you somehow. Romantic messages fill up your inbox every day-all 15gb of it-you upgrade your Gmail account to premium.

11. Day 100,000 - Your IQ increases by several
morbillion. You come up with a workable model of quantum gravity in a rainy Sunday afternoon. Elon Musk steps down from SpaceX to work for you. You decide to put space exploration on hold to focus on achieving clean energy through nuclear fusion.

12. Day 200,000 - You've solved the problem of nuclear fusion. You also solved the problems of climate change, poverty, crime, and racism. You have been elected the very first President of the World.

I dont know what to do anymore, when we first met she said it was her favourite movie i was kinda like i mean its funny but favourite? she would quote it here and there and i thought it was cute and funny at first.
But now one year into our marriage she has been quoting it non stop.
Anytime i talk to her or call her she will says "its me your wife" in the borat voice, whenever i serve up dinner she always says "very nice!" before she kisses me she always shakes my hand like she's trying to mimick borat, once as a joke she was holding my beer and wouldn't give it back she kept saying "you will never get this you will never get this lalala"
Sometimes she will steal my boxers and sag her pants down in the same way he did in one scene in the movie
i don't understand this obsession and i don't know what to do, I'd feel bad asking her to stop because its her favourite movie but it's becoming a nuisance

What can I say. I laughed. I cried. I smiled. I got scared. I shit my pants. Actually everyone shit their pants. Morbius did not just eclipse Jack and Jill as the greatest film ever released by Sony Pictures, nor did it just obliterate Battlefield Earth as the medium's greatest achievement. It transcends film, it transcends literature, it transcends art, it transcends human comprehension. I only gave it a 5/5 because I couldn't give it an ∞/5 because this website sucks dick and is stupid. Morbius invented humanity. The instant the Marvel logo shows up on the screen you actually physically leave your seat because you are gravitating. And then Jared Little, oh my god. Sweet sweet Jared Little. I felt so bad for him. He'd spent so many years being too little. He was too little to fit on the screen in Suicide Squad. But the instant he shows up on the screen I came and pissed and shit my pants. The instant he appeared and looked at the screen and said "I'm acting" everyone said in unison "WOW, he is LITERALLY me!" Jared Little brings so much to this movie that he becomes Jared Biggle by the end. In fact after walking out of the theater I joined his cult and am going to every 30 Seconds to Mars concert and am taking a vacation on the island where he has a cult and he walks around dressed up like Jesus because Jared Little is Jesus. Morbius might in fact be the Second Coming of Christ. I don't think anyone is prepared for this movie. It is not going to be April. It is now Morbiapril.

Teen Titans Go! is good show. Mofos on YouTube should perish for hating it. The original Teen Titans show is leagues worse and you know it. Need proof? Toy Freddy said so himself. We already know that Toy Freddy has the correct opinion on everything. No Reddit, Toy Freddy isn’t brainwashing me. I am worshiping him as I should on my own free will. One day, back in September of 2001, I found a DVD while stalking a Cartoon Network intern. I took it and crammed it up my VHS player. What I saw made me cuuuuuuuuuuum. 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪

Robin’s thicc booty cheeks were on full display. Yes! This is the future I want! The future I need! I licked my TV and I tasted his tight spandex ass. Mmmmm! It then cut to Beast Boy walking into the living room. He looked disturbed. “Robin, tomorrow the twin towers will collapse” he said. “They will hit the fucking pentagon Robin.” A title card appeared that read: “Teen Titans Go! Prevent 9/11”. The Titans were at an airport. “We need to get on the plane that the terrorists will hijack” Robin said. They wait and watch people board planes until Robin sees a Muslim get on one. “It’s the terrorists!” Robin said. “No Robin that’s islamophobic!” Starfire replied. Robin was then held to account for his shitty views, and canceled on Twitter.

#Robinisoverparty

Raven then goes to a plane. “This is it” she said. “How do you know?” Cyborg asked. “Idk don’t ask me this episode was written in only a couple days.” They get on the plane and it takes off. A terrorist points a gun at everyone. “Move and I shoot” he said. The Titans twerk on him and he dies from shock. “Wait, does anyone know how to fly a plane?” Beast Boy asked. “The pilot got knocked out, we done fucked up this time” Robin replied. They then crashed in the middle of nowhere. It cut to a plane crashing into the twin towers and then the pentagon. A message appeared that read: “Teen Titans Go! is haram. Those who rightfully hate it are my allies”. It then showed a photo of Osama Bin Laden. “Make rant videos on YouTube about Teen Titans Go! and join my loyal army!”

I knew Toy Freddy was right! Teen Titans Go! haters are actively working with extremists. I left my house to reveal this information to the public. I went to my local McDonald’s to tell the disturbing truth. I got out my mic and said “ya’ll, Teen Titans Go! haters are working with ISIS.” These low IQ rats didn’t seem to get my message so I screamed it into my mic. To this day, I still don’t know why I’m banned from that McDonald’s. When I got home from ending the war on terror I saw a note on my desk. It read: “Watch the episode again this instant”. I put the DVD back into my VHS player and I saw something that made me shit myself. I saw this spoopy image:

*spoopy image*

After a few seconds, a demonic voice said “If you don’t destroy the DVD in 5 minutes, I will leak your OC ship AMV!” Nooo! That bastard! I made it private for a reason! I quickly ejected the disc and snapped it in half. I then heard the same demonic voice: “Did I say 5 minutes? I meant 5 seconds!” Before I could react, the AMV was leaked onto YouTube for anyone to find. So please, if you do find it, don’t watch it!

So I was having online classes with my camera turned off when I started hearing a little whistle from one of the students in the background that seemed very familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it. The whistling stopped for a couple of minutes until I started hearing it again, and then I knew exactly what it was: it was the chorus of Dream's hit song 'Mask'. I immediately ripped off all my clothes and started furiously stroking my fully erect penis for a good 10 min, even sticking my Dream body pillow up my rectum, imagining that it was Daddy Dream penetrating me while whistling his hit song 'Mask'. It honestly were the greatest 10 minutes of my life, until my libido reached its climax and I let out a gigaload of cum for Daddy Dream that landed on the phone's screen and ended up turning on the mic and camera, and everyone stared horrified at me, screaming at the sight of my honest and earnest love expression to Dream. I was kicked out of the class by the dreamphobic teacher, and today the school principal called me and my parents to a meeting and told us that I may be expelled from the school, merely from expressing my gender and sexuality. What can I do about this?!?!? Was I in the wrong for expressing my gender and identity??!? (Only serious answers, please).

I cried when Mobius and venom said "its morbin time" and proceeded to become venom,also My good friend bryant moreland was also there , (he is known as EDP445) "And he didnt really do anything wrong just so everyone knows he is innocent and just wanted a cupcake." because we are venom , and then I started crying when venom teamed up with morbingus and killed spider man from the hit game among us, And then the among us imposter came into the scene and killed scooby doo and fortnite for possesion of illegal drugs , Than lebron james and among us team up with venom and morbingus to take over the world of the space jam, and than after that Rkelly and sonic2 attacked them and then they almost died but morbiobus and lebron james welcomed them to the space jam, and then they played the game team fortress 2 , which was developed by valve who owns will smiths children and family, who I have in my basement steam, After this the movie seems over and calm until the red sus from among us comes from vent and says "among us sus" which almost kills venom from the hit movie space jam a new legacy, I also liked the part when venom nukes russia and ukraine and morbiobusbus attacks ukraine with stinky poop, which was kinda scary but honestly I think lebron james and R kelly were great heroes and villans, And then hitler comes back from the dead and tries to kill bee movie, and then among us poo saves bee movie from hitler and they are saved. Morlibbingorbgarfieldiarywimrkellbious was so good and I was so suprised when dwayne "the rock" johnson appeared, (stars in jungle movie ) And eats the imposter and says "among us challenge number 7" than among us challenge number 7 commences and than number 6 man urinates on a fellow passenger attacks Dwayne "The rock" Johnson and his twin brother barack obama who starts brutally killing number 8 and kanye east which made me cry fart and scream at the same time. I think garfield and among us were a pretty good duo as they were both sussy, and garfield does not like mondays as shown in the hit show 1000 pound sisters and then the sus from among us starts having a moment where venom and kendrick lamar sings the hit song called venom by the popular rapper eminem which goes like this "venom, venom, venom, venom", and dies, It was so sad when jeffrey epstien and lil mosey died because his cameo was so good. I think this sheds good light on diary of a wimpy kid game six where the kid and EDP445 are against Michael Jordan in the 92-93 nba season. Such a great movie, and I have never seen something this great before,h I got kicked out of my job for "workplace harassment" I was just trying to explain how morbiobus was the best thing to ever be made by human kind, Cant wait for my restraining order to be lifted so I can see my kids again. im sorry laura please let me see my son "its been 6 years im not crazy, im just a morbster and you have to accept me for that please let me see my kids and watch the hit game among us in movie form with morbious laura im sorry . Its morbin time, and I love among us so much and I want my family back,also, eddie brock, and venom who combine into venom and say their hit catchphrase "we are venom" and start yelling welcome to the space jam I actually died for a couple seconds and got send to the ER but once on the hospital bed, I got up and ran out as I had to see morbingus and kanye west pooping in 1080p ultra hd if i did not i knew i would die and I wont pretend that I am morbious and start rolling around the floor with explosive diarrhea again, and I will not use the kids as hostages in any more among us poo #morbioussweep please rate helpfull

Good afternoon, sir or madam. I am an Officer from the Reddit Police and I am obliged to inform you that the source of your meme - an individual identifying himself as ‘Stonetoss’ - is in fact a Nazi. 🚨
As you may be aware, Stonetoss creates content that questions modern liberalism, which has led the Blue-Checkmarked Government and the Guildmasters of Gallow to label him as a dangerous fascist. He embraces this title because he thrives on postmodern cancel culture - this behaviour has led Reddit to sentence him to a life of eternal suffering under Godwin’s Law.
Since I am unemployed, single and I don’t have the self-agency to develop a coomer brain, my life revolves around scrolling through Reddit in case I see a Stonetoss edit (who I am obliged to call “Pebbleyeet”, for ‘tis the law of the realm), at which point my sworn duty is to downvote the post and inform the OP (to whom this comment is directed) of this egregious error in judgement. If you still believe your meme is funny regardless, we have the power to accuse you of espousing the ideals of the Third Reich even if there is no record of you doing so. These accusations are binding and will be enforced via upvotes and guilds.
This is your last warning, Nazi scum.

I've been looking at purchasing a sex doll but I want one to look exactly like Ayane from Dead or Alive with her short ponytail. I'm not sure who can make one with a realistic look. I'm not interested in cheap anime looking ones. Is there a Japanese company that makes good ones? Japanese onaholes are amazing compared to fake American fleshlights, so that's why I'm more interested in something made in Japan. I love Ayane and she is my favorite character to play as, but I would like to be able to have sex with her. Looking at screenshots of her just isn't stimulating enough, I want something close to the real thing. Heck if I could get one where she can say a few of her snappy, mocking one liners that would be icing on the cake. Can anyone guide me in the right direction on how to get this made?

england is the main protagonist , probably has a bland apperance but is smart and athlettic , also is really nice because main character personality wise england would probably be the quiet type

​

scotland would be england's frenemy and tsundere bf/gf (depending on what gender you see england as) , very athlettic and competative , probably a extrovent but is shy when it comes to love

​

wales is the comedic relief character , cute , funny , and honestly needs more attention (just think of chika from Kaguya-sama: Love Is War)

​

northern ireland is that one crossover character that stayed in the show for some reason , pretty chill ngl , but may need some polishing when it comes to his/her personality

I like watching videos of black men shaking their booty cheeks, it just makes my mouth drool and sometimes I dance with the black men aswell. Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, I sometimes hallucinate and see black men twerking on my couch. It bring a smile to my face, I wish I could become one with the black men twerking aggresively. Please understand what im going through.

Ok let me explain, I was in the middle of a session when my mom and sister wanted to let my cat in. They knocked because I’m not dumb enough to leave the door unlocked but they wanted me to open up. When my mom saw me me in a towel I think she picked up on what was happening and rushed my sister out of there. My mom and I have kind of an agreement that it’s fine for me to jerk off so I think she’ll just not bring it up.

I own a musket for abortion, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four pregnant damsels barge into my clinic. "The usual, madams?" I say as I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first uterus, fetus is dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second wench, miss her entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lasses" the grape shot shreds two wombs in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix coat hanger and charge the last terrified wench. She bleeds out waiting on the ambulance to arrive since triangular coat hanger wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.

My senior year of high school, I had gotten a new girlfriend that I was in total love with. Me, her, my parents, and her parents had gone to a big revival service type thing at a huge church (think 1k+ seats). Before this though, we had gotten food at a generic sit down restaurant.

In the travel time between the restaurant and the church, I felt the poop coming on, but I wasn’t worried. I had held it for longer. However, the longer I waited the more I realized that this was no ordinary poop.

By the time I got to the church, I could hardly stand. And, given the size of the church, it was a good 200 yards walk to get to a restroom. About halfway there, the dam broke. And I don’t know if you know what I mean, but once you start, you can’t stop. The only way to hold it was to stand still, but then I couldn’t make it to the bathroom. I’m now stranded, halfway between the car and the bathroom, in the middle of a church lobby, with already a good cup of shit in my underwear. At this point I just send it and start walking as normally as you could towards the bathroom, all the while a seeming fountain of diarrhea is pouring out of me. By the time I get to the stall, my underwear are completely ruined. Soaked up to my ballsack. And I’m stuck. It had soaked through my khakis, I’m coated in sweat. It was worst case scenario. All the while people are milling in and out of this bathroom cuz it’s a massive revival going on. In my desperation, I ditch the underwear beside the toilet, pull my pants up as high as they could go, untuck my shirt, and dip out of a side door. At the same time, I text my dad to meet me at the car right now.

Thankfully, he did, and without asking questions ran in to a target and bought baby wipes, a new pair of khakis, and a new pack of underwear. I’m sure he knew exactly what had happened, but he never judged me, never laughed, or even asked questions. I simply cleaned up as best as I could, got dressed, and went back in and sat down beside my GF to watch the service.

After we had gotten back in the car, my girlfriends dad tells this story of going in the bathroom and finding the most horrid pair of underwear he had ever seen in his life, and what had looked like someone had missed the toilet extremely badly. He said it was the worst thing he had ever seen in a church. Little did he know the culprit was sitting right beside him.

It’s been 4 years since then, and although me and my Gf broke up, our families are still close, and the story of him finding the underwear comes up quite often. It’s a running gag between our two families. I love my dad so much more after this experience, because everytime throughout the years it comes up, he has never once exposed me. To this day, the worst thing our families have ever heard of was perpetrated by me, and no one will ever know.

Why do you hate me so much, mom? You held me in your stomach for nine months, nine long, hard months, and i just sat there until i was ready to come out. I didnt kick that much. I didn’t cry that much. I just sat there ready to enter the world, ready for the inevitable day i came. So i was born. You were happy, dad was happy, but i know you had a sinister smile plastered on your face as you wrote the name “Humphrey” on my birth certificate.

Why would you name me Humphrey, mom? Why would you do that? What was the reason. I’ve never (intentionally) done anything wrong to you. I’ve never brought you bodily harm. There was really no reason for you to do that. You could’ve named me anything else. ANYTHING. Yet you named me Humphrey. In fact, why would dad agree to that? Why do you both hate me?