Jarvis, bribe all Stark X flight attendants I flashed my penis to. If they do not accept the bribe portray them as the soyjak and me as the CHAD. Send gorelinks to their parents. Engage racism mode. Call Thanos the best slurs in our arsenal on Twitter. Subtweet anyone and call them an NPC if they try to protect that Titan piece of shit. He already has 4 of the 6 infinity journalists under his control, we can't risk him getting any more liberal. Turn all slur filters off. Kick those racism levels into high gear. Tell Cartoon Network to give me another boring cameo in the next Rick and Morty or I will nuke their offices. Actually, make it two cameoes or I will nuke their families as well.

Jarvis, Fire bomb Steve Rodger's house. Send him a picture of sad mega mind in the Avenger's group chat stating "no house????" block anyone that doesn't laugh at it. Turn RGB on, pulsating pattern. Use my dead mom's credit card to order an industrial sized bag of gummy worms off Amazon. Fire up discord. Send a "good morning my kitten" to all the women I bought discord nitro for. If they don't respond engage slut shaming protocols. Send a drunk text to Grimes asking her to help me learn Ableton. It will really be a Trojan horse for me trying to have sex with her again.

Jarvis, Call any article pointing out my violation of labor laws as "liberal propaganda." Invest my entire fortune into #cumcoin. Buy when its high, and sell during the crash.

AC/DC playlist clean version.

Let's get these liberals.

"I am 29 years old, I have good lung capacity and I believe in Bernie Sanders, "Smoke 2 Joints" by Sublime, and the 20th of April. I have toke'd up a studio apartment, grew about 18 plants and harvested 10 of 'em. My flower looks first rate, and my concentrates are dank. I have 9 pipes, a two-year old PC, and 2 moniters next to my bong and grinder. I want a bigtiddygothgf. I want to buy bread and butter, black sundresses and satanic pendants, and the end of capitalism for someone of the submissive and breedable persuasion during life. That's what's the matter with me. But I don't know how to do it."

I am like mega attracted to this woman, like down bad levels of horny every night worshipping her levels of sexual attraction, I can’t stop thinking about how much I want her in my life, I fap and I fap and I can’t get enough, she drives me wild. She is just the perfect woman in my eyes.

So uhhhhhhhhhhhh….. a few years ago a girl I was hanging out with gave me a blanket that she didn’t want anymore. I took it home and realized it smelled just like her. I slept with that blanket in my arms and pretended it was her.

​

I was the only one in my friend group that she never had sex with and I spent the most time with her out of all my friends. She legit would talk about how good my friend ate her pussy and I would just sit there like 🫤👍 while holding on to a sliver of hope that she would at least let me cuddle with her. For My birthday my friends tried to convince her to at least make out with me bc nobody had ever even kissed me before. She said that I was her best friend and that she never wanted to do anything sexual with me because I was such a good friend.

Edit: yeah I stopped hanging out with her after another friend made me realize that she was being hella manipulative and was playing with my feelings. She was always super flirty and touchy with me and sometimes she would actually cuddle w/ me but she was pretty adamant about just remaining friends. I know she had a ton of mental issues but she was also a complete piece of shit human being. She legit verbally abused her parents and pretty much destroyed their marriage. She acted like her life was shit and nobody loved her despite the fact that her family took $5k+ vacations and she lived in a nice ass house. She threatened to kill herself constantly and tried twice ( I will never forget her having a seizure and throwing up all over my car as I drove her to hospital whilst doing 90 in a 45 in a Corolla at 3 am after she took a bunch of pills). Almost every single therapist she had \*gave up\* on her because she was a sociopath and was unable to listen to reason

​

Not all of it was bad. I hang out with a ton of her friends still. Also I kinda sorta \*\*fucked her sister\*\* 😭 her sister works with mentally disabled people but also is an escort who \*\*specializes in helping kids with autism and Down syndrome lose their virginity\*\* (me included lol). I remember the girl I hung out with had to go to a doctors appointment when her sister told me to come into her room. She asked me if I wanted to have sex and of course i said yes. Legit the best two hours of my life. Just the way she spoke to me in this quiet, comforting voice still still gives me chills to this day. She legit made me cry because she never stopped saying how awesome I was and how everything was gonna be alright. We fucked a few more times before I stopped hanging out with her sister but I will never forget her

So I was walking downtown yesterday and there was
this girl who was a Kardashian looking motherfucker,
she askes me how old I am and then I said I was 13.
next thing she says is follow me and we go into a
bathroom and she pulls down he skinny jeans and
asks me to feel her ass. I do so and it felt like silk.
super smooth. then she starts twerking in my face for
like 10 minutes. then she touches my no no square
and then smacks her ass in front aff me pulls up her
pants and leaves, then next thing you know I feel
around in my pocket and there is a slip of paper with
her number on it. And then I call her and then she tells me to come to her house, I walk there, knock on the door and she walks me to her bedroom, she goes in her closet and then I see a bra and panties fly out of the door, she comes running towards me, gives me a 15 minute long lap dance and then I just pass out, I wake up on her front deck with a piece of paper in mv hand and it says congrats DAD. Then I just pass aut wake up in the hospital and then I see a baby in my hand

But it was all a dream

The end.

God, she's so hot. I was born in the wrong reality. When my time comes in the distant future, when I'm lying on my death bed in the presence of my loving family, my last words will be a prayer. A prayer that I may have a choice in the life I live tomorrow after the final rest, and what life may I choose? Minecraft. Not just any Minecraft world, though. It's all the same to me anyway, I've seen it all: every block, every mob, every item. No, I need a modded world. I need the fuckable bee girl world. I would dig through dirt and stone with my bare hands to build her the most luxurious hive a man can give a woman. I would tear apart creepers and zombies till my last heart to keep her safe from the dreadful night. I would do anything for her, my bee girl wife, for I love her so. Alas, it cannot be. She is but a computer entity, and I am a man. A real man trapped in a real world. I have a beating heart and a yearning far too complex for a computer entity's code to understand. It can never work out.

Semen in school telling me, always in the barber shop
"Chief Keef ain't 'bout this, Chief ain't 'bout that"
My boy a BD on semening Lamron and them
He, he, they say that semen don't be putting in no work
Shut the semen up, y'all semen ain't know semen
All y'all semen talkin' about
"Chief Keef ain't no hitter, Chief Keef ain't this, Chief Keef a fake"
Shut the semen up, y'all don't live with that semen
Y'all know that semen got caught with a ratchet
Shootin' at the police and semen
semen been on probation since semenin' I don't know when
semen, stop semenin' playin' him like that
Them semen savages out there
If I catch another semen talking sweet about Chief Keef
I'm semening beatin' they semen, I'm not semening playin' no more
Know them semen roll with Lil Reese and them

Where did the stereotype of autistic people liking trains even come from? I'm autistic and I'll have you know that I think trains are fucking stupid. Why would you design a vehicle that can only move on a track? There's only one way it can go. God forbid If that shit falls off the tracks, you're not going anywhere, now are you? If there's any sort of transportation to obsess over it's planes because unlike trains THEY CAN FLY SO THEY CAN GO ANYWHERE!!!! WHY THE FUCK DO THESE SHITTY VEHICLES WITH LIMITED MOVEMENT GET SO MUCH ATTENTION IN THE AUTISM COMMUNITY?! AAAAAAAAAA **Starts slamming their head into their desk over and over until they start bleeding out their head**

Oh, look who controls all the islands!
It's the Mahajapit-

***X NNNT!***

Majahapit-

***X NNNT!***

Mapajahit-

***X NNNT!***

Mahapajit-

***X NNNT!***

Mapajahit-

***X NNNT!***

Ma-ja-pa-hit?

***✓ CORRECT***

The only game I play sometimes on roblox is South Bosnia. But it's known as War Crime simulator.

I already knew what I will be doing.

I dressed in black uniforms, military vest and shirt was black, pants were black, my helmet was black. On my helmet only the croatian red-white checkerboard was visible. And a small symbol of HOS on my shirt. I took my flag with me.

There were basically no rules except to not kill civilians or UN forces.

There were no mods in the server. And I went into my jeep, and head for civilian spawn.

After few minutes, I finnaly got there. There was one civilian there. I got out of my car and picked my RPK. I thought he would comply with me, but he ignored me. So as a thank you, I sent him a short burst of 5 bullets into his head. He dropped on the ground instantly dying. It's a good thing UN wasn't there. Another two people spawned. They both started running away from me, as I killed a random guy. Then I shot about 10 bullets, killing them both. I was about to quit my trolling, when one person spawned with very weird avatar. I didn't like that, so I shot 1 bullet, a headshot. He dropped on the ground, but he wasn't dead. I looked at him, as he was slowly healing. But then, I shot him another time, this time it finished him off.

Civilians, well, started to rebel. As the enemy started bombarding the spawn, I returned fire, but a civilian killed me in cold blood by a revolver.

Hi,(m34)y name's Jake and I'm here to seek advice,since I've seen the cinematographic masterpiece and hit movie "Morbius" with star actor Jared Leto (known for requiem for a dream and american psycho) my sex life went super down.

My wi(f30)e has made me notice that Ive not been active in bed since i watched Cinematographic masterpiece and hit film Morbius,and sadly that's true,i can't get an erection without watching morbius,#221i$👍 tried everything,Viagra, testosterone,Cock and ball torture practiced by buff Chinese man.
Nothing works

When i had sex i had to this of Dr Michael Morbius naked to finish and keep me bricked up.one day I was playing bottle flip challenge with my son(m6) and as a joke he said Dr Michael Morbius iconic line "it's morbin' time",just hearing it i ejaculated and had to make up an excuse to leave,then i went to the bathroom, but i was still hard,so i had to fap one out to Dr Michael Morbius.

But the unexpectable happened,i left my laptop open while i was in the bathroom masturbating to Dr Michael Morbius and my wife saw my external SSD or 1 terabyte full with hentai and deep fake porn or De Michael Morbius and movie star Jared Leto(Aka paul Allen in American psycho ans Harry goldfarb in requiem for a dream),we argued a lot and i told her she wasn't worth enough to mention his name,then she started insulting the Iconic movie line of Dr Michael Morbius "it's morbin' time" and i accidentally ejaculated in her face.

She stormed at me and i had to hit her,i left her home choking on her own blood, now I'm at my sisters house in Finland and i heard the cops found the body of my wife at my home in Wisconsin,i hope they never find out that it was me, anyway I'm having an affair with my sister's husband since he looks like Movie star Jared Leto(aka knows as Paul Allen,harry Bradford and The best interpretation of the joker)

So I was watching the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial, and when it reached the part where it was revealed that Amber shat on Johnny's side of the bed, I was fascinated. Now, first of all, I didn't even know women could fart, let alone take a WHOLE ASS SHIT on someone's bed. And I know for a fact that that woman actually did the deed, because I got to agree with JD that it was neither of his dogs. Literally huge chunks of turd were scattered on the sheets as shown in the photo but Amber is gonna blame the fucking dogs? You're not fooling anybody, Amber! Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those weirdos who gets turned on by literal pieces of shit spewing out of someone's ass, but for some reason I was just intrigued by the mere fact that a woman had the ability to excrete such amounts of fecal matter. So I did some research on Bing and after 5 gruelling hours, I managed to find Amber Heard's number so I decided to call her. Only for me to realize seconds after making the call that it was 3AM and she probably wouldn't even respond. I was nervous: what if she doesn't respond? How will I be able to make this inquiry about how her body could be capable of doing such a feat? Luckily, it went to voicemail and so I decided to leave a lil message for Amber: "Hey Amber, this might be a long shot but I just want to ask did you really take a dump on Mister Sparrow's bed and I was wondering if you were going to do the same to mine? Thank you!". I had obviously wanted to prank her, and as I went to sleep I didn't think much of the message. But then, about 4 hours later, I was awaken by this pungent, putrid stench that almost made me think that I shat myself in my sleep again. I recalled the events of the previous night, and realized something. I slowly turned myself to face the other side of my bed, nervously anticipating... And it was true, Amber Heard intruded my home and took a BIG FAT SHIT in my bed. Was I happy, was I mad? I didn't really know, but I sure was glad to discover first-hand that women could indeed defecate.

OMG how DARE you call me by "him" You should know beter than assume pronouns!

I go by "nick" / "her", You should have asked for my pronouns before assuming anything! You are a disgusting human being and need to revaluate your choices.

Hi all, this is my first post so excuse any mistakes. My husband and I have been married for about 5 years now, and it's been a very fulfilling relationship. However, recently I have discovered a problem. My husband has a friend who I'll call Clive. I saw my husband DMing him about "sussy cheeks" and looked into it. It turns out my husband is an avid fan of the game "among us" and as ridiculous as it sounds he has a terabyte of saved pornography from the game that he shares with Clive. I feel so insecure and am worried about how this will affect our sex life; will he force me to dress like a crewmate?? Advice appreciated.

I raped seven Albanian children before returning their probably lesbian asses to the orphanage that I have recently burnt down just to see the small children die before abducting eleven more of them to sell their organs on the black market so I can have more money to buy underage Chinese prostitutes that are just trying to support their homeless families then kidnapping those kids and keeping them in my basement for 37 months before releasing them into the Siberian wilderness so I can watch them slowly freeze to death so then I can watch them slowly freeze to death so then I can watch them slowly freeze to death so then I can recapture the bodies and fuck their frozen corpses until they shatter from the cold temperatures from my freezer.

Hi all, this is my first post so excuse any mistakes. My husband and I have been married for about 5 years now, and it's been a very fulfilling relationship. However, recently I have discovered a problem. My husband has a friend who l'Il call Clive. I saw my husband Ming him about "sussy cheeks" and looked into it. It turns out my husband is an avid fan of the game "among us" and as ridiculous as it sounds he has a terabyte of saved pornography from the game that he shares with Clive. I feel so insecure and am worried about how this will affect our sex life; will he force me to dress like a crewmate?? Advice appreciated.

I love the kind of woman that will actually just kill me. You know, when I left the house today I was thinking "Damn, I really hope some hot chick paints my brains all over some fucking hallway." And here we are. I mean really, just absolutely destroy me. I'm talkin' full on, watermelon-in-the-thighs level carnage. And I want it to scare the shit outta me. I mean I hope I piss myself. I hope I piss myself and you call me your little "peepee pisspiss boy". I want you to fuck me up. I mean I want you to make me your bitch. Your little peepee-piss-myself-bitch. I want it to get embarrassing. I mean like... weirdly embarassing. Unsanitary, too. We should be entirely different people, by the end of the first eight hours. Do you understand what I'm trying to say here ? I mean I'm a real freak. I'm not normal. Ma'am... Please... You have to crush me.

among us has taken my life and turned it upside down. it all started in church last sunday, when the father started speaking of jesus, i immediately began to shake. it was an uncontrollable urge, i stood up and yelled at the top of my lungs, “ jesus? more like jeSUS”. everyone looked at me confused. it only got worse in school. we were learning about life in science, and the teacher said, “its wild that long ago we once had huge insects among us!” i felt the urge again. i began to shake again. i stood up and screamed, “ AMONG US! SUS! AMONG US!!!! THATS SUS!!!” i was sent to the principals office, and they gave me a 3 day suspension. when the principal looked at me and said, “ you have a suspension” it happened again. SUSpension… i cant live with myself anymore. but if i committed suicide, it would be looked upon as sus. even during sex, its unbearable. my girlfriend just had to say, “you have such a small penis!” the urge. the shaking.
“PENIS??? MORE LIKE PEENSUS!!!!!”
i need help badly.

I sexually Identify as a wave function that describes the quantum state of the system. Ever since I was a boy, I dreamed of combining the wave and particle theories of matter, and obtaining a complex-valued probability amplitude. People say to me that a person being both a particle and a wave is Impossible and I’m fucking retarded but I don’t care, I’m beautiful. I’m having a physicist install additional electrons, high energy photons, and relativistic mechanics on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me “Shrodonger” and respect my right to randomly decay and tunnel through objects. If you can’t accept me you’re a classical physicist and need to check your quantum privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.